Sad

My children's grandmother died yesterday. I'm needed elsewhere for a little while.

Home Again

Jiggity Jig. Yep. Got home ok after spending some time with my children and my ex's family as my ex-mum-in-law was taken very ill last weekend and is now on life support. Long story. She's stable at the moment but seriously ill. I spent a lot of the past few days just helping out where I could and just "being there" for my kids while they went to the hospital. I also looked after my granddaughter while her mum and dad could spend time with everyone and not worry too much about little one.

I'm emotionally drained and trying to process my own feelings about seeing my ex-mum-in-law so very ill. This woman was a part of my life for over 30 years. I loved her. She's my children's grandmother. And I've been thinking about all the times we've spent together. All the Christmas' she stayed with us. Her birthday celebrations. Sunday lunches.

But mainly I remember this one time when I was only 15 yrs old. I was supposed to be going to a school dance but I got my period and was really unwell. Lynda came round to my house (she lived next door) and sat on my bed talking to me and comforting me. For some reason, that's all I could think of when I was in that hospital room looking at her. So ill. Machines breathing for her. Machines working her major organs. Ugh!

So yeah. I've got to somehow process all my own feelings and emotions during this time. After I divorced her son, our relationship, understandably, took a huge nose dive. For whatever reason, she blamed me for the divorce even though she knew her son was transgendered and I'd told her I just couldn't live with a man that wanted to be a woman. I don't understand why she was so upset with me but I do understand that it's her son and blood certainly is thicker than water! That doesn't stop me from hurting though. It doesn't stop me from thinking about this woman who was so much part of my life for so long. It doesn't stop me from being so deeply sad that she's ill. And she's only 66yrs old.

I'm glad to be home with my husband now. Away from it all. For now anyway. Peace. Praying for peace for the whole family during this time. The kind of peace that transcends all understanding.

Away. . .

. . . for a few days.
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Mixed Media Painting

Spent a little time yesterday finishing up a mixed media painting. Acrylics, crayon, stamps, pencil and collage pieces on 9"x12" canvas.It's truly mixed media as I used digital art tools as well as traditional painting tools. I created the main figure using 3d character design software as a reference. Printed it out and sprayed with a fixative so I could paint over the figure without the ink bleeding and losing the outline. Once I'd finished most of the background, I added the figure, painted the skin and hair and then continued to add background elements to finish it off. I certainly found it exciting combining both digital and traditional mediums. A kinda mixed media hybrid if you like.

More painting tonight and over the weekend as my daughter's coming to stay and I'm fairly certain she's here just for the art supplies! ha!
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After the Storm

It stormed last night. A fantastic, loud, clear the humidy storm. Seemed like a perfect end to a strange day for me. I lay in bed in the dark watching the lightening and listening to the thunder and somehow drifted off to sleep.

The air was fresh this morning when I went for a walk. It smelled so wonderful. I love the smell after a Summer rain. Everything looked brighter and the grass lush. Beautiful.

I decided to take a day out just for me. Doing nothing in particular but definitely no work and no computer other than what I wanted to do. And it did the trick. I felt so much better. More relaxed. Happier. Complete. Contented. Refreshed. I painted. I finished a mixed media painting. I watched current affairs news programmes on TV. I went shopping with Steve. We sat and ate lunch together. All quite uneventful in the big scheme of things. But it was enough to refresh my soul.

After the storm, things are definitely better.

Nothingness

Blech. Ugh. I feel out of sorts today and I don't really know why. One minute up. Next I feel like I'm going to snap. And I want to scream. Not hormonal. Nope. Just feeling yuck. Nothing. Couldn't really get going today. Struggled to get anything done. It's hot. Humid. Very humid. I cleaned and tidied the flat in the vain hope it might make me feel better. No. Nothing. Ugh! Where's the joy? Someone's stolen my joy today. That's it. It's gone.

Perhaps some time out to go and do something for me will help. We'll see.