A Sudden Thought

Thinking about why this new house move is so important to me, I realised its because of my need for security. Living in rented accommodation over the past 3 yrs has been ok but I'm finding that I need to create a home that's ours. A home where I know I can hang our art and photos on the walls. A home where I can decorate and know it's not a waste of money (don't have to move in 6 months or so). A home to really be home. Ours. Starting anew. Don't have to worry about being forced to move on in a few months or a year.

I want to create a space where I can do my art and craft again knowing I don't have to pack it all up soon. So much more but you get the picture.

Yes, that's why I feel this need to move and buy that little house so keenly.

Moments of Spring

I love the Seasons. Each one brings with it something new and special. Right now, I love the warm sunshine and the cool breezes of a Spring day. Seeing all the buds on the trees and flowers rising up to the sun. It's so pretty. And the longer days. Not getting dark until much later now. I love it.

Steve and I are working a lot. Well, he's working and I'm helping him as much as I can. We desperately need funds to come in to secure this house we want to buy. So please pray it all pans out. I'm learning to be more faithful and let "things" go. I can't control the situation even though I want to. I'm scared of having my heart broken or having to live here longer than necessary. We both now have our hearts set on that little house. I'm praying that money will in on time and will be just the right amount. Faith. Letting go.

These Spring days help when going through something exciting but also stressful. How can it be so exciting - buying a house but also feel stress levels rising? Oh well. I guess it's the uncertainty and being at the mercy of other people. Letting go. I have to just let it go.

Walks in the sunshing help and bring inspiration back into our lives on a daily basis. Fresh air and exercise. It's invigorating and calms the soul.

Being Me

I know I say this all the time. Alot. I have to say it again: where does the time go? My days are full, blessed and rich. We're hoping to make some big changes in the next 2 to 3 months. More on that soon. In the meantime, please pray for our finances (getting a mortgage in this current economic climate won't be easy) and think of us as we make important decisions.

I've been thinking more and more about who I am and my role in life. Since my children have grown up and fled the nest, I've struggled with who I am. What am I supposed to be doing? A lot of things have changed in my life and in essence, I'm having to start again. Good thing. I'm blessed with a good husband. Someone who not only loves me passionately, adores me and supports me but he also wants the best for me. So why do I have these inner struggles?
Struggles about work. About going out to work. In my heart, I just want to be a homemaker. I want to be a wife, mum and grandmum. I want to be a daughter, sister and aunt. I am all those things but I want to continue to fully embrace those roles and not feel guilty. That I should somehow be outside the home working? Especially since my kids have flown the nest. I should be a career woman and do a 9-5 job. I don't want to. There I said it. I do work. At home. Mainly helping Steve with his work. Nothing grand. Nothing to shout about. I enjoy what I do. I know I'm truly blessed that Steve earns enough that I don't have to work if I don't want to. What I do earn is a bit of pin money (under the tax threshold) for my own treats which includes spending on my grandchildren!

So why the struggle? I feel that I'm somehow letting "women" down if I admit that I love being a homemaker. I feel this pressure to be out in the workplace. What is that pressure? Is it somehow imagined or is it real? I remember so well being a little girl and dreaming of growing up and having babies. That's what I wanted to do. And I did. Now they're having babies of their own, I don't know what to do.

My days are full. In between looking after my home, husband and working, there's visiting my parents, helping out when they need it, seeing my kids and grandchildren as well as friends and generally being me. And I'm happy being me. I just have to somehow convince myself that my life is ok. That I don't have to go out to work if I don't want to. To somehow fulfil a misplaced call on my life to do the modern women's thing and be everything to everyone.I love to be creative. I love to paint, draw and work on my computer. It's a wonderful creative outlet but I've realised recently that it was becoming a chore. I felt the pressure that if those hours I spent creating didn't result in hardcore sales, then it was wasted. I kept thinking to myself that I have to justify those hours spent being creative by making a career out of it. But I don't want a career being a digital painter, creating art or teaching art or selling my hand made wares. If I make the odd sale, that's exciting and a little bit of pin money to buy more supplies.

Why have I put myself under so much pressure to the point of frustration and tears? I want to enjoy what I do. I want to have time to look after my grandchildren when I'm needed. Or just to look after them for fun. I want to be able to sit with my mum in her back garden and not feel guilty. That that time should be spent working. I want to go and visit my sister and her little girls and just sit together and put the world to right like sisters do. I love washing clothes and sorting out cupboards. Cleaning my house. Making cups of tea for Steve while his working. I love the smell of the washing as I pull it from the washing machine. I love being a homemaker. And in the end, I honestly think and believe that's who I am. Who I am supposed to be. It's enough and I'm going to work hard to accept this role. To grow with it as it changes over the years. To be me. I'm not anyone else. I'm Diane. And I want to be me. Warts and all.

One Step at a Time

Things are changing. Again. Lots to talk about but not right now. Please think of us and pray as we make some life changing decisions. All good stuff!

Noah David Smith

My new grandson, Noah David born Tuesday 3rd March 2009 weighing in at 9.5lbs and I was there! Yay!I felt honoured and priveleged to be asked by my son and his wife to be with them as she went through labour and birth. It was so exciting to be there. I loved it. My daughter-in-law was incredible. I'm so proud of her. So proud of them both. A wonderful couple and fantastic parents.
It was an extraordinary night. She did so well. She's very small and Noah's a big baby and yet she gave birth without any intervention. Also helped that she had a midwife that totally believed in her and encouraged her to "hang in" there. There was an obstetrician "hovering" who wanted to intervene but fortunately Noah was born before she had a chance! ha!
He's a beautiful, healthy little boy and much loved by us all not least of all his excited mum, dad and big sister!
I know how incredibly blessed I am to have been with them during such a personal and special time! What a deep joy. Something I'll never forget.