It's a New Day

I love the hope of a new day.  A new week.  I can put all that has happened in the past couple of weeks behind me.

I'm well again.  My body feels healthy again.  Well, healthier than before any way.  Steve and I are working on getting healthy.  We're slowly changing how we eat and exercise.  Nothing fanatical.  Just keep chipping away at bad habits and replacing them with good ones.  More water.  More walking.  Less processed food.  Actually hardly any processed foods.  We've been doing as much cooking from scratch as we can.  And it feels so deeply satisfying.

 

No shop bought desserts, cakes etc.  Been doing them from scratch too, if we fancy them.  It's good.  We've been reading labels when we go shopping.  Trying our best to avoid over processed foods with lots of additives.  And trying to find a good butchers and greengrocers so we can buy organic meat, fruit and veg where possible.

During this time of recuperating, I've been doing more doodling in my sketch pad.  I've been drawing little whimsical pictures that I'm now scanning and selling in Dana's online store.  They just started out as little doodles but I realised that actually some of them would be neat as card toppers and such like so I asked Dana what she thought about me "packaging" them up and selling them.  It's been so therapeutic actually.  I love using my caran d'ache water colour pencils.  They are so lush... I love painting and seeing how the colours run and blend.  Love it.  Love it.

It's funny really because although I've always been arty and crafty, in the past years, all my art was created on my computer using digital art/photo editing sofware, Photoshop and Painter.  I love my computer and I love creating my photo montages and doing digital art but since I've been with Steve, and I guess, since my children have left home, I've found that I love using more traditional tools.  It feels so earthy to me.

Natural.  Somehow I get a greater sense of creative freedom.  Its giving me more confidence to try new things.  I also wonder if its because Steves a fine artist.  He has greatly inspired me and is my encourager.  I'm feeling like my low self-esteem demons are fleeing at last.  My low self-confidence is no more.  Creative freedom is part of my every day life.  And that has slowly made in-roads to boosting my confidence in myself as an artist and as a person.  I have the right to be who I am and not try and mould myself to what I think others want to see or hear.

That's also the wonder of a new day.  Each new day brings hope and a chance to start again.  Move forward and not look back.  Hello new day.  Hello new week.  I'm ready for what you have in store for me!

Rollercoaster of Emotions

So much in so little time.  I've hit every kind of emotion you can imagine in just a few days.  It was surreal.  It started off last Sunday with me feeling a little unwell.  Nothing major, just a few niggles.  In the middle of the night I suspected I had cystitis.  By Monday lunchtime I knew I had cystitis and hubby went to get some magic medicine from our friendly pharmicist.  Didn't work.  I'm getting worried.  I had a major school reunion to go to.  Not just any school reunion.  I went to a private boarding school and these people were like family to me from the ages of 14 - 16 yrs.  Important.  I needed to get well enough to go at the weekend.  I'd not seen most of them since 1980!

So yeah, medicine didn't work.  By Wednesday, I'm feeling so ill.  Doubled over in pain ill.  Crying ill. Temperature high and shivering ill.  Just plain rotten.  Steve took me to the medical centre and I found out I had a urinary tract infection which had just gone everywhere.  Zapped it with antibiotics.  After two days I was beginning to feel so much better but incredibly tired.  So tired.  Still tired.

Woke up Saturday and felt well enough to go to the reunion but big mistake.  After a couple of hours I was feeling so weak, tired and in pain.  My back especially was just so achy.  Like a horrible nagging dull ache feeling.  I had to go home.  I burst into tears... ugh!  I felt upset.  Relieved. Sad. Rejected.  Just a gamut of emotions coursing through me.

Somewhere in that week I also got news that one of my closest friends Dana aka Jaguarwoman, wanted to do an exclusive business arrangement with me whereby I create scrapbooking kits with her design resources.  This came about after she had suffered one copyright and filesharing violation after another.  Constantly.  Most of the culprits being in the digital scrapbook community.  And so she decided she wanted to create the kits herself.  Perfect opportunity for me.  I love designing the kits, she just wants to create the design resources and so put our heads together and hey presto! Yay!  I've always loved her work and she's been like a second mum to me over the past 10 yrs.  Wow!  What a privelege to be working with her as well.  It inspired me so much, I just started doodling in my sketch pad and came up with a load of product ideas.

Oh the absolute joy of just doodling... drawing..colouring...!  I know that's where my heart is.  Being creative in this way.  I love my computer and creating graphics in Photoshop but there's something very deep and meaningful when I create using more traditional tools.  It honestly feels my heart with joy.  Ok, I know that sounds so lame.  I don't really know how else to explain it.  It's frustrating sometimes too because I can't always translate from brain to paper.  I'm learning though.  Retraining my brain.  Trying to let go of my insecurities that tell me I can't draw and that I'm wasting my time.  That's it.  It's just come to me.  It's like being a child again.  The smell of the crayons and pencils.  That feeling of drawing and colouring on fresh paper.  Excited about the colours and shapes dancing in front of you!

And somewhere else in that week, my eldest son got mugged.  He's ok.  A bump on his face and bruised plus his iPhone stolen.  So stupid.  Wont be much use to the thugs that stole it as his phone service put a stop on it immediately and blah blah.  Its not about the phone being stolen.  I don't think these kids necessarily want to steal the phones.  It's about being violent and bullying.  Gang mentality.  Ugh!  Anyway, my son is safe and well and thats all that matters.  It could've been so much worse.

Somewhere else in this week I also signed up to do an online art course.  Well, it's more about learning to be happy in your own creative skin.  Learning to create in your own style.  I'm sure its going to further my hopes and dreams of being more proficient and free to be a creative soul without feeling the constraints of adulthood! ha!

This week, I want to rest.  I want to just be.  I want to draw and paint.  I want to clean the house and read my books.  But mainly I just want to be still.  No pain.  No excitement.  Just stillness and peace.  We'll see!

Photos soon.

Blech...!!

I've had a pretty rough few days.  Extra bad period and then I got cystitis.  Too much information??!  Sorry!  Its made me feel so unwell.  I can't believe how horrible it is.  Painful. Uncomfortable. Depressing.  Tired.

Will be back in a day or two.  I've got a lot to share but just don't feel well enough right now to give the good news justice.

Home is Where the Heart Is

That really sums up my week.

Being at home.  Comforting.  Spiritual.  Loving.  Inspiring.  A time of baking, crafting, creating art.  Cleaning, tidying.  Walks with my beloved.  Lunch on the seafront.  Healthy food.  Good food.  Reading.  Sleeping.  Telephone conversations with my children.  My youngest son's been unwell and called us for advice re: medicines so we went shopping and took him some good food, drink and medicine.  Time with my second oldest son and his family.  They invited us for dinner.  Bathing my grandchildren.  Getting them ready for bed.  Reading a story to my 2yr granddaughter. Enjoying a meal with son and daughter-in-law when the kiddies were all tucked up in bed and then fun playing scrabble.  So special.

New haircut.  Time with my mum.  Sitting in the garden with her and then at the kitchen table.  Just talking.  Being together.  Chatting to my daughter on the phone.  Making plans for a "chick flick" night next week and a trip to Hobbycraft.  Talking to my eldest son on the phone about his plans for coming home to visit this weekend.  I spoke to all my children this week.  Yes.

Seeing friends.  Talking about painting, art, sculpting.  Sharing tales of holidays.  Warm embraces.  Giving birthday gifts.  Oh the joy!

Meeting new online friends.  Going deeper with God with them.  A new small online fellowship group of like-minded women.  All searching.  Helping.  Encouraging.  Praying.  For each other.  Sharing.  Honesty.  Humility.

And then today.  Being unwell and cared for by my Steve.  Lovingly caring for me.  Feeling frustrated at not being able to take away my pain.  But just holding me.  Loving me.  Cleaning the kitchen.  Doing the dinner.  Cleaning the kitchen again.

It doesn't get better than this.  Truly.  It's been a good week.

Freedom of Self. True to Self.

I'm wanting to achieve this. It's not a huge deal but it's what I'm feeling. Freedom to express myself without fear. Freedom to just be me. To dream big. Aspire. And inspire. To be healthy, fit and happy without it having an hidden agenda i.e the world tells me I'm too fat (so therefore I have to lose weight). I just want to be healthy. If that means I lose weight (which I am) than that's great. The motivation is about me and my family.

I want to be true to myself about my Faith in Christ. I believe in God. I believe that Jesus is Lord. Saviour. I don't have all the answers. But I know they're there somewhere. I know what I know in my spirit. In my heart and my mind. I want to move forward in that. I'm searching more. I know I have to increase my Faith and not be so self-doubting.

Freedom to creatively express myself. My hopes, dreams and Faith. Who I am. Diane. To draw, paint, sculpt, crochet, cook, bake and be a homemaker. Whatever. It's who I am. Part of that is to create to please too. I want to make people in my life happy. But the creative process and style is about me.

It's time to put aside all the shame. The past is the past. Moving forward and living in the here and now. It's exciting times.

So, Where has the past Three Months gone?

September 1st. Today. Is it really possible? It's almost shocking to me that time has gone by so fast. And it's not like I haven't lived life to the full over the past 3 months or so. I vowed that I would live life to the full as much as I can. Each and every day. My life has been full that's for sure as the photos will show.

It's been a time of change. Moving house. A new home.

Exciting. Tiring. Exhausting even. Settling down. Settling into new surroundings. Routine. But not being afraid of pushing out the tent pegs. Changing routine. Being flexible. Allowing change in the every day stuff. I'm looking to try some new things in my life now we're in our own home. Now we know that we don't ever have to move again (unless we want to, of course).

I'm looking for more spiritual changes too. Aching for answers. Aching for a freshness of spirit. Not sure how, where or why but I feel it. Searching. My spirit is searching.

It's been a bittersweet time over the past months. The joy of moving house. Making house a home. The joy of my children and their families. Summer sunshine. But also illness. Sadness. Facing up to the fact that my parents need help. They've changed. Through ill-health. It's heart breaking actually.

The generations have changed. My parents just can't do the things they've always done. At one point over the summer, I was completely overwhelmed by the grief of realising how much my parents have changed. How much I am now my parents. Middle aged and needing to help them. I'd do anything for them. Anything.But I realised I just wanted them back how they once were and it wasn't that long ago. It wasn't that long ago that you'd go to their home and Dad would jump up and make a sandwich for us. Or peel some fresh fruit he'd just bought. Pour a nice ice cold drink. Mum would be fussing round in the kitchen or garden. Running around with her youngest grandchild. Not so much now. It's so different. And when did it happen? It's so cruel that it creeps up on you. They're frustration is evident. They're pain and frustration and not being able to do the things they used to. Relying on help. They're proud. It's a delicate balancing act. Helping them in such away that doesn't make them feel powerless.

And then there's the other extreme of age and relationships in my life. Being a grandmother. Watching my two grandchildren grow. That I'm so young at just 45yrs to have grandchildren. That's a blessing. I know how much that's a blessing in my life. I can't even begin to describe the joy. And taking them to my parents. Watching Jorja at 2 yrs old running around chasing fairies and dragons in my parents garden.

It's also been a time of great times. Fun. This Summer. In my parents garden. They had their annual Summer Party. Got caterers in. My sister and I did everything else that was needed. It was a pleasure to do. And I loved that my parents could just relax and not have to think about it at all. But to just enjoy. Enjoying seeing their children. Their grandchildren. Their great-grandchildren. It was a lovely time for us all. Treasured memories.
Steve and I also managed to go on holiday for a couple of weeks. Camping in Cornwall. It was a strange time. Special. Difficult. Sad. Happy. Exciting. Funny. So very funny. We went with my sister and her family, my parents, a family friend, my sister's in-laws, my daughter and her boyfriend as well as my parents. It was during this time that I realised just how ill my parents have become. They'd kept it fairly well hidden. Soldiering on.
In spite of that though, we had a lovely family time. Steve spent time bonding with my sister's husband which was great. We all got on so well and it was a chance for them to really get to know Steve. We had a lot of moments of just madness. So funny. Evenings that went on deep into the night. Drinking Cornish cider; lots of rum. Wearing several layers of clothes to keep warm. And many nights listening to the rain!! Praying that the tents would withstand such Summer down pours!

During these past three months I've also realised how blessed I am in my marriage. Steve. My husband. Friend. Deepest soulmate. I don't say that lightly. It's not a word that can be banded around. It's a way of describing how much he means to me. "I love you" just doesn't seem enough some days. And yet I don't know what else to say to him. I tell him that it's not enough. He feels it too. Just out of the blue he'll suddenly take hold of my face in his hands and look right at me and tell me that he's so in love with me... and then he'll say it doesn't come close to how he feels but doesn't know what else to say.

How can it be? How can you love another human (unrelated) like that so much? What is it that brings that kind of love into your life? And how does that love grow stronger every day. I thought I loved him alot when finally admitted our feelings to each other 3 yrs ago. But no. That's nothing to what it's like today. The foundation of our love is a deep friendship. It's laughter. He makes me laugh every day. Every. Single. Day. I smile. He makes me smile. It's trust. I trust him. Implicitly. Emotional support. Protection. I feel protected. Safe. Yes. Safe.

He sees me through my dark moments. When my self esteem takes a huge nose dive and I fill my mind with self loathing and feel frustrated at my own inability to "snap out of it". He's gentle and kind. He talks to me. He listens. He listens as I weep and weep. He's strong and direct. He sets me straight back on the right path. There are so many little things that when you add them all up, it makes a soulmate.

And so that has been the past few months. A joy for sure. It's gone by so fast. I'm now looking forward to this new season in my life.