Improvement

So much more settled and happy today. Walking was good. It gets rid of pent up energy. I also cleaned the house up and down and that made me feel great. Thank you my dearest friends for your love, support and prayers. And so many words of wisdom. Mystele reminded me to "guard my heart". It's so important and so easy to forget when you're feeling rotten and that's exactly when you need to do it.

Today is full on. Got up early. Going to lunch with my son and his family and then working all afternoon. I'm helping Steve to do some new 3d products. And tonight, I'm going to snuggle down and do some crafting. I really want to finish those fabric journals I started. Yay!

More Friday Ramblings

This cold grabbed me hard and fast and so I've been out of it for a few days now. Well, not completely. I've managed to do some doodling and am still working on digital scrapbooking products for my online store.

I can't seem to get comfortable either. Everything is annoying me lately. No matter what I do. I think it's my emotional state as well as generally feeling run down. I don't know what to do first when there's so much to do. Tidy my house. Go for a walk. Have a shower. Do some work. Help Steve with some work. Do some drawing. Do some crafting. Tidy up. Did I say that already? I do need to tidy the house. Ugh! But I don't feel like doing any of it. My frustration level is so high. I want to explode. And it's not even PMT. Ha! I wish it was because then I'd know it was ok.

One thing's for sure, I really hope that it snows like they've forecast. It's due to snow late Sunday and early next week. I love the snow and I know that will boost my mood. For now though, I think I'm going to burn off some energy. Do some housework and then go for a long walk. I think exercise is key to feeling better when I'm like this. x

Days Gone By

These past days have gone by so quickly and I've spent them wisely! Just really feeling that each day is precious and doing my best to make the most of every day. Ha!

Anyway, these past few days have been spent mainly with family. Helping my parents. My mum's unwell and Dad's undergoing chemotherapy. He's doing very well and so far the side effects are not too horrific but we've been told it's "early days". Hey ho! I just want to say here and right in this second how much I love my mum and dad. How grateful I am for the wonderful childhood they gave me. How grateful I am that they just love me no matter what. I love you mum and dad! Not sure where that came from but had to say it.

I also babysat my nieces. We had fun doing some bits of art and craft at the table. My 10 yr old niece has a beautiful fashion kit for designing clothes so we had fun with that and her 2yr old sister was just content colouring and cutting out using (safety) shape scissors.And then last night was my daughter-in-law's baby shower. Baby Noah is due to make his prescence in about 4 weeks time. Yay! Can't wait.Oh and spent some much needed time with my daughter, Jenni. She surprised me with a little present - she bought me a lovely cd by Martina McBride and so just copying that to my iPod. Lots of good music to listen to while resting this afternoon. I've woken up with a rotten head cold. I'm fighting it because I need to be able to spend time with my Dad and he's immune systen is shot which he can't be exposed to infections. Praying this is just a silly cold and will go soon.

Thoughts on a Tuesday

• frustration
• art
• dad
• son
• hearts
• granddaughter
• shopping
• diary
• self-portrait
• too early
• sister
• coffee
• friend
  

What A Difference.

In just a week. I'm moving forwards. Onwards. And it's exciting. I've still got battles going on. Challenges in my life but I'm positive, hopeful and inspired. I decided one of the things I wanted to change was how I worked. And so I've set up my laptop in our little, cozy living room and as a result, I've accomplished so much more. It's really amazing. I do love our big office upstairs but for some reason I'm just not comfortable there. Work doesn't flow.

Downstairs in our living room, it just works. I'm more relaxed. It's easier to look after the house and cook and be a housewife and work at the same time. I can have the tv on quietly watching inspirational movies or listen to music. I don't know why but it just works for me. And I'm working up a storm. I'm really inspired to get my online store fully stocked and up and running. Steve bought me a nice little sturdy external harddrive with 320 gig memory so it's easy for me to transfer my files back and forth. Also, I don't have the internet on my laptop. That's a big plus for me. No distractions. It means I just get much more done. And then I can do my blogging, forum lurking, email etc.. just once a day. A focused time rather than dillying dallying online all day.

Yay! Happy is me.

What else? Oh yes. I've been working on my fabric journals and other bits and pieces in my craft room. I bought a lovely "pink and brown" kit from Donna Downey and also one of her downloadable teaching videos for creating a fabric journal. I'm really enjoying it and thoroughly recommend it.

While I'm in the mood for recommending, I can't say enough about this fab online store, "The Altered Element". I discovered it via Jane Dean's blog a little while back and I've got to say their customer service is nothing else I've experienced. They sell a great selection of art and craft products and are very helpful.

I'd been trying to get some eyelets online (aka grommets in USA) but just couldn't get any and also needed some canvas. I wrote to Lynne, the owner, and she not only responded very quickly but managed to get me exactly what I needed. And was so nice about it. I seriously felt like a valued customer. Something that doesn't often happen nowadays. I also love that I've found a great online store where I can buy everything (re: art/craft) in one place. I know their quality, customer care and postage is all top notch. Just makes it easier when shopping online.

Steve and I went for our weekly jaunt into town for our coffee and magazines. We're fortunate to live close to town. It's about a 10 min walk and although it was bitter cold again today, it was a nice walk and we had a lovely, inspiring time together. As we always do.
As well as people watching in the street below, talking about our art and work, we also discovered that Starbucks have wall space for local artists to display and sell their work.
Free of charge! Can you believe that? So I'm thinking of contacting the manager and see if I can get a slot sometime. You never know.

Friday Thoughts

• clean & tidy home
• cold January day
• art journal inspirations
• new art & craft supplies
• dad
• fragile self-esteem
• healing
• super foods
• Steve cooking dinner
• to-do list completed (for today anyway)
• Cornwall
• more healing
• satin bows
• tomorrow
  

Snow, Ice and Birthday Blessings

So I turned 45yrs a couple of days ago - Jan 5th - 45!! Wow! How did that happen so fast?!It was a wonderful day made special by my hubby and family. The day started with me waking up to snow. Yay! We don't get snow very much here and I love snow. Totally love it. I think it's something to do with having lived in Norway as a child/teen. Great memories. Always have loved snow. So imagine my squeal of delight to see it snowing and then a dusting laying on the ground!

I know it's not snow snow. It's not the kind of snow in Norway but it's snow. And it was special to me on my birthday. Bitter cold and lots of ice around as well. I was surrounded by the love and warmth of my family so it didn't bother me that it was so cold outside! I got lots of lovely presents including my fave perfume, new brushes, sketchbooks, nice smellies, my fave chocolate, flowers, scented candles and the new Disney TinkerBell dvd. Have you seen that film??!! So magical. I also got an Amazon voucher from my mum-in-law and I've ordered a couple new books (recommended to me) as well as Amazing Grace film dvd and Miss Potter. Both extraordinarily inspirational to me for different reasons.
A truly blessed day which has carried me these past couple of days. I'm getting organised. I'm working. I'm actually sitting at my computer and working. I've decided to slowly but surely get my online store up and running. It's been lying dormant for the past 7 months or so. Although I still get people registering to grab the freebies and I've had a small trickle of orders in that time. As well as my art and crafts, I truly love designing and creating digital art products. They're mainly photo art and scrapbooking products.

I also have several art and craft projects on the go. More on them soon. The point is, I'm working it all out. Day by day. A bit at a time. Filling my days with great things. Creative things. Healthy activities including more exercise. Reading. Listening to inspirational music. I want to surround myself with the things that inspire me and make me be more positive about myself and what I want to achieve. I still have battles and challenges ahead. Treacherous roads ahead for sure.

My dad still has cancer. My mum still has emphysema. They still need my help. I still fight off demons from my past. I still have an ex who is going through a sex change process which affects my kids in varying ways. Those things are all real. They're the reality of my life. It's how I'm coping with them that makes the difference though. That's what I'm trying to change.

A New Day

First of all, I just want to thank you all for your encouragement, words of wisdom and understanding in regards to my last post. I was wary of sharing so much so "publicly". However, I felt that there would be some kind of "accountability" in what I was doing, sharing so much in such a public way.

It's time to get healing. It's time to start making positive changes to rid myself of all those hang-ups, hurts and frustrations that have kept me down for far too long now. I'm going to be reading the books suggested to me as well as continue to pray for healing and making good, positive choices for my life. I've already read "Captivating" and I'm going to read it again but actually do a study on it rather than just read it. I need it to sink in and work in a positive way rather than just finish it and think what a great book it is.

I know my art and craft is a part of the healing process for me too. I need to be creative. I think everyone does in whatever form they choose. It's healing. Perhaps more so than any of us realise. There's something quite deep and spiritual when you get lost in being creative. I feel it whether I'm doing some crocheting, digital scrapbooking, painting, drawing or making something on my sewing machine.

[A robin I drew and painted for my mum for Christmas]

[mixed media, 8x8 canvas]

And I want to do that more. More art. More crafts. Every day to create. Maybe just for half hour or maybe all day. However much time I can afford on any given day I know being able to creatively express myself will do wonders for my spirit, healing and well being. It's a new day and I'm excited about the challenges ahead. Even when it gets tough as it often does, I will be resting in the knowledge that I'm making progress.

Baring my Soul

We spent New Year's Eve at my sister's with my brother, my daughter and her boyfriend and my parents. A seemingly quiet evening. Fun and laughter. This is me and my mum with my daughter and 2 little nieces.

Played games including a Disney party game that my 2 yr old niece thoroughly enjoyed as did we all.

Oh and then went snowboarding on the Wii.

Hysterically funny. At midnight we all ran out the front banging pots and pans. Again, 2yr old niece thought this was fantastic. Make as much noise as you want!! What 2yr old wouldn't enjoy that?!

Steve and I crawled into bed finally just after 3am and didn't surface again til 1pm the next day. Whoa! Just slept and slept. Guess we really needed it. We spent the day watching dvds cuddling up on the sofa eating sweets, chocolates, satsumas and just really enjoying the moment of quiet togetherness.

And then in the evening Steve cooked us a beautiful meal. Roast chicken and all the trimmings. It was our quiet Christmas and New Year's Day meal just for us. Very romantic. Special. Enjoying great food and each other's company. We opened a bottle of rose pinot grigio which was delicious. Just a lovely time on our own.

I should've ended the evening at that point as it went downhill pretty fast after that. I decided to go on my computer to check my email and sort out some files ready for work next week. Oh and to download photos from our New Year's Eve evening at my sister's. Big mistake. This might not make sense to anyone but I need to write about it. I need to be able to read about it here in the future and know that I've moved on. That I'm healed and whole one day.

I've always had a low self-esteem. Although I kept my weight under control until I had babies, I've always had a weight problem. Overweight. Ugly. Overweight. My teens were plagued with constant dieting and bulimia. I was athletic. A dancer. A gymnast. A netball player. And good. But struggled so much keeping a sensible weight. I'm only 5ft so even the smallest of weight gains showed. I just seem to put on weight so easily. So quickly. Once I had children, it all went mad. I couldn't fight it any more. I put huge amounts of weight on and that's how I've remained since then. Overweight. Obese. Ugly.

And so when I saw a photo of myself, I somehow went into an emotional meltdown. Shock. Do I really look that ugly? Is that really me. We don't have mirrors in the house. I know that sounds mad. But we don't. Something I'm going to change soon though. More about that another time.

The thing that shocked me the most was that Steve married me. Steve loves me. And yet how could he? How did he fall in love with me? I couldn't believe he finds me attractive. All these thoughts were swirling round my brain and I couldn't seem to get rid of them. I tried to logically think about it. I knew beauty was more than the shell that is our bodies. But no matter how much I thought about it, I spiralled downwards. Was he mad? Was he honest to goodness out of his mind? When he first met me, why didn't he get back in his car and drive home? Why did he continue to pursue me and ask me to marry him? None of it made sense.

I need to talk some more about being overweight and the myths that surround it. I'm not unhealthy. I'm not hugely healthy either. I eat well. I eat healthily well. I'm not greedy. I'm not lazy. I don't sit around doing nothing all day. I love my exercise. I love going out for walks. I don't always to stick to my routine. I don't always get as much exercise as I'd like and know I need but it's not bad either. I do need to make changes and I would like to be slimmer. Healthier. The healthiest I can be. Fitter. As fit as I should be for a 44yr old. So much to say about it all.

And then there's emotional side of the problem. The low self-esteem. The sad lack of self confidence. The thing that got me last night. That pursued me to the point that I told Steve he needs to leave me. Leave me so I can be alone. So he doesn't have to look at me. I went to bed. Steve was already in bed. For a long time I couldn't talk. My throat seemed to seize up. I felt choked. I knew I was going to explode in a torrent of tears.

Silent, quiet tears fell down my cheeks. Still couldn't talk. Steve was gentle. He didn't patronise me. He quietly told me how much he loved me. He told me what beauty was to him. He talked about my spirit and soul. He told me what he found attractive about me. He told me that he would love me whether I was stick thin or big as a house. That he loved me. Me. Who I am as a person. He said a lot more. Too personal to talk about here. Suffice to say it made me cry more. Tears that washed away my irrational thoughts and negative emotions. Slowly. Very slowly I started to talk. I told him about things in my past that affected my self-esteem. Nothing major to other people. Probably insignificant to others. But they had profound affects on me. And I've carried these things into my adulthood. I need to be rid of them now.

We talked into the wee small hours. And he held me tight. He reminded me how alive I've been since we met. How much healing I've already had. And I knew he was right. Since being with Steve I know I've changed. I know my confidence is returning. I know I'm free to be who I am. To be Diane. I had totally lost sight of that having married my first husband so very young and then immediately had four children. Only to divorce 20 yrs later. And the divorce was riddled with huge self esteem issues for me. About my femininity. About being a woman. A wife.

My ex-husband wants to be a woman - he's transgender - the main reason for our divorce. My world was thrown upside down and inside out during the years of our "separation" and then divorce. Time spent trying to figure out what I'd done wrong. And at some point during that time my ex suggested that my being fat and not wearing the right kind of clothes made him want to be a woman!! Ugh! Lies. I knew logically this was untrue and he apologised to me later about it but it left a scar. A huge scar. I took these things unwittingly into my marriage with Steve.

Thank God for this man. Steve. His patience with me. He's steadfastness. He's love. He's gentleness. Eventually I fell asleep. I feel better today. I know I have a long way to go. I know there are still demons that need exorcising. That's why I often talk about living in the moment. That's the reality. The now. The moment. Yes, I do want to lose weight. Yes, I know my fears were irrational. Yes, I believe Steve loves me and wants me no matter what I look like. Yes, beauty is skin deep. It's in the eye of the beholder. It's not about the shells that are our bodies. And yes, I do want to lose weight. But I can't lose weight in the hope that that will solve all my self-esteem issues. I have to lose weight because it's the right, healthy thing to do. My emotional and self esteem issues need to be dealt with now. As I am.

Do you know how strange this is? To have a wisdom about a problem and yet not be able to apply it? I have understanding and wisdom about my issues and yet I'm still somehow trapped by them. I'm going to keep praying for it all to be slowly chipped away. Layer by layer. Slowly. Gently.