Charmingly Simple

I Have MOVED

2011-07-17T16:52:00.000+01:00

Finally! I've moved my blog to a new home!

http://www.dianerooney.co.uk/blog

Please join me there!

Behind The Scenes

2011-04-07T23:19:00.000+01:00

So much going on here. I'm excited. On fire. Motivated. Scared. Filled with trepidation. Inspired. Time challenged. Always time challenged. Feeling good. Healthy. Personal goals. Business goals. Big dreams. Shooting for the moon. Oh don't you love the cliches??!! I do. It's a great way to describe what's happening just now.

And it's April. Wow! Spring is here. The air. The flowers. The new green shoots. I'm feeling it in so many ways. Love the coming of a new Season. Always.

Behind the scenes I'm working very hard and it feels good. It's honestly a dream come true for me. Something that has been stop starting for several years now. Up and down. Round and about. Never quite there. Missing something. Fear would show up just at the last moment. Send me running. That moment has past and fear gave me a new impetus. In the right direction.

At last. Did I say I'm excited??!!

Snapshots from My Week

2011-03-25T21:58:00.002Z

a heart in sunlight on my office floor

Whitstable - i used to live here - love this place

yummy texture

love having coffee with my daughter

beautiful Spring daffs outside village church

fresh veggies from local farm shop

me - this is a moment of me facing the real me - feeling tired, exhausted most of the time since my Dad died

another self portrait - as I am most days at the moment - no make-up and actually ok with that

working on a new collage - scanned this in "as is" and used it to create a digital paper

Inspiration for the Week

2011-03-14T16:14:00.002Z

I love Mondays. A new week. Lots of possibilities. So this week I thought I'd start off with some inspiration. First off, my new office. This is just a small snapshot. My desk. It's an inspiring place to work and create. Surrounded by the things that I love. Things that inspire me and motivate me. We've done a lot of re-organising, painted and alsorts of other great stuff to create a place where both Steve and I are happy to be. Happy to work. Happy to create. I'll do another post soon about showing the whole room and all the before and after shots. Fun, fun, fun!

Next is VisualizeUs. I've recently set up an account to start collecting lots of inspiring images. Being a natural creative and a digital artist as my work, I used to just save a bunch of images to a folder on my computer. I love these new websites where you can have them all on display. Easy to look at. Easy to use. And so great to share. Here's my list so far: http://vi.sualize.us/dianerooney/

I came across VisualizeUs via JessicaSprague.com. I'm taking a digital design art course there at the moment. It's awakening my muse after a very long siesta. Time to wake up! I'm excited to be surrounded by so much creativity, motivation.

And then there's the inspiration I find in the every day moments of my life. At my Mum's over the weekend, I managed to snap this little Robin. Gorgeous blue sky, sun shining. Fantastic. Love that little bird. There's something about Robin's.

Oh and flowers. Love, love flowers but I especially love photographing them. And perhaps slightly more than that, love to get those photos into Photoshop. Edit. Edit. Play. Add texture, of course. Lush.

Japan

2011-03-11T22:52:00.000Z

I can't let this day pass without posting about the devastating earthquake in Japan. I've had the BBC news on all day and am shocked. So shocked. So sad. It really does make one look at one's life with a different perspective. Life is fragile. My thoughts and prayers are with all those affected.

Pushing Pixels

2011-03-09T23:24:00.000Z

I'm well and truly back in the saddle. It's taken a while but I'm there. Pushing pixels again. Designing digital art products. Putting together my own website. My virtual home and work place. Doing what I love to do and loving every minute of it. It is bliss.

Recently I splashed out and bought a new digital SLR. A Canon 1000D. I used to have one but had to sell it a couple of years for one reason or another. And just stuck with my ever faithful "point & shoot". But as I have been building up my website and business plans, I realised that I do need a decent digital SLR. I love taking photos of the details of every day in my life as well as my family. I'm not a professional photographer by any stretch of the imagination. I just love, love taking photos.

However, some photos I will be using for my business, digital art products. Steve and I go out every couple of weeks to take texture photos. You know the stuff, walls, doors, grass, rust, wood, etc.. etc.. Basically, anything that grabs us. He needs those kind of photos for his 3d models and I discovered a long time ago that I can use them in my photo editing to create my blended photo collages. More recently though I decided to put together a pack of textures to sell in my online store when it's up and running. I'll also be using them to create brushes for Photoshop, Photoshop Elements.

Here's an example of one of the textures. Feel free to click on it (so you get the original size) and download to try it out. It's about 8"x6.5". All you need to do is open the image in Photoshop, Photoshop Elements or some other image editing software, open up the photo you want to add the texture to (make a duplicate so you're not working on the original), place the texture image on top of the photo and change the layer blend mode to "soft light" or "overlay". They'll be a full tutorial on my webiste (soon).

Click on photo to see real size | then right click and save to your computer

Here's a couple of examples of what the texture looks like on a photo. Just adds a lovely subtle texture. I turned the opacity down to about 70%. This is different for each photo. You just have to play around with the layer blend modes and opacity to get the look you're after.

[click to see larger size]

Yep. Gotta love pushing pixels!

Embracing Change

2011-03-06T17:52:00.002Z

Life looks so different to me lately. It's honestly almost unrecognisable. I fought it for so long. Change. I used to scream with frustration, "I just want my life back". So much has happened and continues to happen since my Dad died. It isn't just that he died. It's the chain reaction that has death caused. I'm fascinated by it, somehow. That so much can change just from the death of one person.

Of course, I'm still in the deep throes of grief. That in itself is a big change in my life. I see it every time I look in the mirror. Grief is etched deeply into my face. I know what it looks like.

Instead of fighting it, fighting the changes in my life, I decided to embrace them. Grief is part of life. It's not nice but it's there. And you have to go through it. So go through it I am. I accept that my life has changed forever. Through grief counselling, reading and other resources, I'm slowly embracing the changes.

Trying to live a balanced, imperfect but altoghether, authentic life. Doing what I love to do. Being there for my family, friends. Saying "no" when I need to. Being brave. I don't say that lightly. It sounds corny, I guess. But it's not meant to be. I'm not brave, normally. It was about time that I made changes to my life anyway. I just never had the courage. I kept procrastinating. Putting my dreams and goals on permanent hold. That's why I had the same dreams and goals every New Year! ha! I was scared of my own dreams.

The irony is that my Dad was my biggest fan (until I met and married Steve!). Dad was always encouraging me to "do what you love to do". Set up your own business. Do whatever it is that you want to do. You can ahcieve the impossible. Dream big. Imagine yourself in that life. These were just some of Dad's mantras. Some of what he would tell me. I was still scared. And yet, since his death, I found courage. I've realised the importance of being authentic. Dreaming big. And embracing change.

Soon

2011-02-25T22:47:00.000Z

Changes Ahead

2011-02-19T12:55:00.000Z

Steve and I run our own business - Stedi Arts Ltd - designing, creating and selling digital 3d content. Our products are sold to 3d hobbyists and professionals and are used to create digital art, in films, advertising, etc.. It was always our dream to work from home running our own creative business and we're doing it.

However, I want to branch out a bit and get back to creating my own digital art designs. I'm so excited to have started work on them and to be slowly putting together my website and online store. At last.

I had originally started work on it last January but then had to take a long hiatus to help look after my parents when my Dad got very ill. Dad was always a great supporter of my work. He was the one to introduce me to the WWW back in 1994!! Can you believe that?? It was my Dad that got me into web design and creating art on a computer. He was an entrepreneur. He and his business partner back then, created the first internet cafe in London and set up one of the UK's first internet providers, Easynet plc.

I've had a website in form or another since then. Somewhere a long the road I lost my creative mojo; my dreams and aspirations seemed to fade away. It's been a long hard road but I'm back to that creative place. My muse returned. And I know Dad would be cheering me on. He would be proud of what I'm doing right now and telling me to reach for the stars. Go for my dreams. Be positive. Dream big. Yes, he used to say all those things to me! To us all. To my kids. And that's what I'm doing.

I'm excited. New changes coming.

At the Moment

2011-02-10T16:25:00.001Z

organising
inspired
journey
grateful
installing
decorating
learning
exhausted
loving
relieved
playing
faithful
reaching

Looking for my Authentic Self

2011-02-05T00:40:00.003Z

As I journey onwards & forwards, I realise what I'm searching for is my authentic self. In all my creative efforts, endeavours, goals and dreams, I'm looking for Diane. I recently made an impromptu decision to do an online course dealing with personal growth and living "wholeheartedly". Through the various exercises, without realising it at the time, I now know I've been lost. Lost in the roles of motherhood, daughter, wife, sister, aunt. Lost in looking for myself in all the wrong places. Trying too hard to be something I wasn't meant to be. A people pleaser.

There is no doubt that my greatest role to date has been Mum to my four beautiful children. And continues to be. Do we ever really stop being parents??!! Alot of that parenting came fairly naturally to me. I didn't think a whole lot about what I should or shouldn't be doing. And thank goodness. I had four children aged 3 yrs and under, at one point. If I had stopped for one minute or more to think about the sheer enormity of that fact, I'm fairly sure I would've somehow drowned in the hugeness of it. There were moments when I thought I couldn't cope. Moments when I lost my temper and yelled at my kids inappropriately. Moments when I thought I'd never survive the experience of bringing up four kids.

I survived. They survived. And I'm so proud of them. They are well rounded, stable, happy and well adjusted young adults. It wasn't just me. They were brought up by the rest of the village too. Their grandparents, my sister, their Dad as well as close friends. All had amazing influences on their lives. Still do.

In all of that time, when my children were young, like so many other women, I didn't feel equipped to stop for one moment and wonder about who I was meant to be. As far as I was concerned, I was meant to be a Mum. And I truly believe that to be a fact for my life. However, as the children headed towards independence, I started to question my life. I started to look inward. I realised I had dreams and goals. I knew I wanted to do something creative. To creatively express myself. But it was a battle.

I was going through a difficult, complex divorce. The reasons of which left me devastated and questioning my very being. As a woman. As Diane. I had no idea in the midst of all of the trauma and heartache where I was. Who was I, even?

On top of that, I've been battling a weight problem. Complex. Needy. Emotionally eating. Happy. Sad. Joyful. Grief stricken. Excited. Food was the answer. And to some degree, it still is. Getting less and less now as I move towards wholehearted living. I felt trapped in a fat suit. This isn't my authentic self.

Slowly. I'm hearing the whispers of my heart. Of my authentic self. Practising self-compassion. Believing in my goals and dreams. Taking action to see them through. Learning to take care of me and in turn, knowing that will have a positive and loving affect on those I love. Family and friends.

It's a journey. Self discovery. Rich. Rewarding. Frightening. Loving. Scary. Enlightening. Truthful. Finding my authentic self.

Healing Quilt

2011-01-25T18:30:00.000Z

Don't you just love it when things come together in a way you least expect? And only with hindsight do you see it!

I've been making a quilt from some old blankets that my aunt Jan gave me a couple of years ago. They used to belong to my Nan (and before that, to her mum). I'd seen the idea originally in a lovely book I got for Christmas, "Scandinavian Needlecraft" and then again on my friend Sarah's blog. Sarah used some old jumpers to make a little patchwork blanket.

Anyway, for the past few evenings I've been cutting a couple of the blankets up into approx. 6" squares. I want to make two quilts, one for me and one for my sister. So during all the measuring, cutting and sewing, I realised there were moments when I was feeling so sad. Frustrated. Angry. Excited. Happy. Totally in my element that I was in such a creative groove. Yep. So many emotions. A rollercoaster indeed. And I knew it was healing. I knew what I was doing was cathartic.

I was sad that I couldn't phone Jan up and say, "hey Jan, you should see what I've done with Nan's blankets". She would've been so happy. Jan would've been tickled pink that I was making something from them. Something useful. Something to be passed onto my daughter, grandchildren. My Nan was an amazing seamstress and all round creative soul. She taught me all I know from sewing to crochet. Oh how I wish she could see what I was doing. Oh how I wanted just one phone call to Jan. And my Dad. I wanted Dad to know that I was like Nan, his beloved Mum. I wanted Dad to know that the blankets on his beds as a little boy were being turned into a beautiful quilt to be passed onto his grandchildren and great grandchildren.

I thought of how the years had flown by. That I am now my Nan. That I have a little granddaughter with whom I can share so much. To teach sewing. Crochet. Baking. Painting. Just time to be creative with her. To pass on the love.

It's been a healing time. A healing process. Simple. Without even thinking about it or trying. Yes, I'm still grief stricken. I miss my Dad so much. I'm so sad to have lost Jan as well. And yet the sadness ebbs away somehow and turns to joy. Not really sure at what point I went from crying through loss and sadness to realising I was feeling surrounded by love, memories flooding back to me and thoughts of tomorrow. All threaded together with love. Yes, it may sound corny but my goodness me, that was my experience. And it has inspired me. Inspired me forward to tackle more creative pursuits. To just do it.

It was unintentional but creating this quilt has somehow saved me. A change of pace. A break in the heaviness of grief. A new journey began.

Healing

2011-01-17T18:52:00.000Z

I'm not big on "New Year's Resolutions". Just never really got into it and actually never really given them much though. However, I love the promise and hope of all things new... a new day, a new week, a new month, a new year. Especially a New Year. With promise and hope of a New Year in my heart, I always create a list of goals. They become the benchmark for what I want to do and achieve in the following months. I don't always reach my goals. To me its a way of reminding myself of what I want to do and achieve. That list is like a motivator when I'm feeling rotten, downhearted, lethargic or just plain lost. It actually inspires me to move forward during those times.

As for having a word to set the tone for the following year, I've never really done that or thought about it until this year. I went through previous year's goals and realised that it might actually be a good idea to have a word for this New Year. It's not something I've done lightly but thoughtfully and prayerfully and the word for me for this year is "Healing" - emotional, physical, financial, spiritual.

And so this year I have a list of goals and a word to set the tone for what I want to achieve following the next few months.

Gifts + Surprises

2011-01-05T22:01:00.000Z

So today I'm 47yrs old. Whoa! How did that happen?? In a blinking of an eye. It feels like it was just yesterday I was this little girl so happy on her 5th birthday to get a blackboard and lots of gorgeous coloured chalks. And suddenly I'm celebrating my 47th birthday?!

I'm not one of those people that get depressed on birthdays. Or that says "21 again". I honestly don't mind getting older. I feel I have a wisdom now that I didn't have in my 20's or 30's. Ok so there are days that I wish I still had the figure I had way back when but in all honesty that's my fault for allowing myself to get overweight and whatever else. Either way, it's fine to be turning 47yrs old.

It's been a good day. Last night I couldn't sleep. I was so tired but the events of yesterday - very stressful - left my mind racing and worried about alsorts of things. And so 4am this morning, Steve suggested that I open my card and gift from him. And that's what I did. Fun, fun, fun. I finally drifted off to sleep and then woke only a couple of hours later to the alarm and the beginning of phone calls from my beloved family wishing me a happy birthday. Truly I am blessed. Got some lovely gifts including a lovely handmade necklace from my daughter, digital photo frame and some fab books. I love books!

My sister took me out for lunch and my daughter was there too. It was just so nice the three of us. The afternoon was spent on the sofa under a duvet dozing on and off, reading, watching tv, writing notes for my 2011 goals (will share here soon). And then I heard the voices of little children and came too to realise my daughter-in-law was here with my grandchildren. What a wonderful surprise and utter joy to see them. And they were a delight. My 4yro granddaughter was really cuddly and her little brother was his usual happy, sweet self. What a joy they truly are.

And then this evening my beloved Steve cooked the most fantastic Italian meal I've ever had. Seriously. I love that this man enjoys being in the kitchen, cooking. Good food. He loves cooking with good ingredients. Healthy options but lots of taste and love! We had a bottle of Pinot Grigio and watched a James Bond movie. Yep, I do love action films. Ha. A perfect day.

Happy New Year!

2011-01-01T09:55:00.000Z

It seems obvious that I would be glad to see the back of 2010. So much sadness, loss and just bad things happened in 2010. But that's life. In all its complexities, life happens and sometimes it's challenging and difficult. In the midst of the heartache, loss, grief and pain, there were moments of bliss. Moments of happiness, laughter and joy. I can't dismiss them out of hand just because the overall picture seemed so horrible. Each day is to be treasured. I am grateful and feel blessed to be surrounded by my lovely family. My friends. Sunsets. Sunrises. A clear night sky. Lying in bed listening to the rain pelting down on the roof. The silence of the snow. A kiss goodbye from my baby grandson. Cuddles with my granddaughter while snuggled up watching Disney dvd. A look of love from my husband. A gentle touch of his hand. His arm around my shoulder. Strong and sure.

Those moments were also part of my 2010.

My hope for 2011 is more of the same. All the little moments to treasure. And healing. Financial healing. Emotional healing. Physical healing. Spiritual healing.

Wishing you all a very Happy New Year!

Christmas

2010-12-12T10:58:00.001Z

That time of year, again. Harder than I thought. Each day is a trial to get through for one reason or another. I guess it's that first year when you lose someone that is the hardest. The first this and that. This first Christmas. It's silly things like going into a card shop. Couldn't do it. Thought I could. Looked at a couple of cards and realised I just couldn't do it. Part of it is that I can't be bothered. Trying to stay strong. And the other big part of it is not being able to send my usual card to Mum & Dad. To my aunt.

I'm overwhelmed more than I thought. I had it in my mind that it would all be ok. What's the big deal? It is a big deal. I love Christmas. Our family loves Christmas. We're huge fans of togetherness and family Christmas. It took me a few days to put the tree up. I started it but couldn't finish it. I asked my beloved girl to come and help me which made that much better. Had to do it. I'm doing the same this afternoon at my Mum's. She's struggling horribly. I've got my grandchildren (aged 4yrs and nearly 2yrs) and so I'm taking them with me and meeting my sister there with her kids. It'll be fun. Kids make a difference. I love their innocence.

Although I wanted to take time out and reflect on this past year using the Reverb10 prompts throughout December, I've founder it harder than I thought. I think my first couple of posts reflecting on the past year, more or less sums it all up. I can't get away from the fact that losing my Dad and my aunt and everything else that happened this year has made 2010 the worse year ever for me and my family. 1973/74 was a similar time when my baby brother died. I was 10 yrs old. He died 3 weeks before Christmas. Another reason this time of year is so important to us as a family. Why it's so hard for my Mum.

I'm pushing through. Tears are healing. Frequent tears. Random tears. Unexpected tears. I laugh when I cry. Sometimes. What else can you do? Especially when you're caught off guard. I can only assume that it is this run up to Christmas and the grief that makes it all so emotional. I think it's a healthy emotional place though. Why hold it back? Why pretend that it doesn't hurt? To what end? I think it's brave and strong to be true to your real emotions. No matter what they are.

So Christmas. I'm excited. I'm sad. Today will be a good day. Any day that involves being with my grandchildren is a good day. Made even more special when that time is also shared with my daughter, my sister and my Mum. We'll get through.

Wonder & Letting Go

2010-12-06T17:48:00.000Z

I'm sure it's all part of grief and loss that so much has changed for me this year. I'm sure it is part of the circle of life. It is part of getting older. Of becoming aware of one's own mortality. All normal. Maybe. I don't know. It's the first time I've experienced such extremes of emotion. Life is precious. That has become so obvious to me this year. More than ever before. Is that because I've lost someone so dear to me? I don't know. Relationships with my family and friends have become a priority in my life. Particularly my family. We've always been close and it's not so much that they weren't a priority before. It's about perception, I guess. I'm seeing things so differently.

With the death of my Dad, I realised I had become my parents. I am a new generation. I've moved up a generation. Standing back. Silent. Watching. Letting Go. Listening to all the family hubbub around me, I see myself as my parents. Especially when I'm with my grandchildren. That's how I've been able to cultivate a sense of wonder in my life this year. Sadness, wonder, joy. Side by side. Truly part of life. Truly the meaning of family.

Letting go of hurt. I realised only today that I've let go of so much emotional pain this year. I thought I'd been so consumed with the death of my Dad and aunt and so much more this year, that there wasn't any space in my emotions to be aware of anything else. It's been all too consuming just dealing with grief. And yet, somewhere along the way, the pain of my divorce and my first marriage has left me. It's gone.

I let go of my first husband and marriage. I let go of the pain and hurt. I don't know when they happened. Although I only truly realised today that I've let go, it's been a gradual process. My ex-husband and I meet for coffee and a chat every couple of months. At what point did I start becoming aware that I actually enjoy those times with him? That it feels like two old friends sitting and catching up? At what point did I stop thinking about the pain of our separation, divorce?

My ex-husband is transgendered. It was the main reason we separated and divorced. It is truly complex. Not an easy situation at all. It has huge ripple affects across the family. It's complicated beyond belief. My heart was broken and torn apart when he told me. A lot of my hurt was that we'd been married for 20 yrs. We were friends as kids. He was the "boy next door". Why didn't he tell me before we got married? Why didn't he trust me "to come out to me"? These were all my questions and hurts. I understand now. I've learned so much since then.

We would've drifted apart and ended up divorced for other reasons. Both of us recently admitted that to each other. That was a relief somehow. No blame. We have four children. All grown up in their twenties. It has been so hard on them. Complicated. Emotional. Difficult. They still have a lot to face and hurdles to jump. In the back of my mind I always knew that I didn't want to make it even harder for them by "fighting" with their Dad. Why? To what purpose? You're right. I'm wrong. No I'm right. You're wrong. And so it could go on. It's so complicated. Fragile. Emotions. Heartache. Pain. Why make it worse? Worse for them. For him and me.

I had to let go. And I did. I don't know how. Maybe it was with my Dad's death. What's the point of holding a grudge? Nothing can change the past. Why hold on to it? It's all done. I'm trying to be clever or say "look at me, look what I can do, I'm a saint". No. It's about moving on. Living in the moment. Being accountable. Not sitting in judgement. Actually trying to view things from another person's point of view. What would you do if the shoe was on the other foot? I don't know how many times I've heard that over the years. It's not just the big hurts.

I'm not sure I consciously let go other than being very aware of wanting to enjoy my life now. And not hurt any more or hold on to the emotional pain. It can actually be comforting. To hold on to horrible emotional pain. It is hard to let it go and be free from it. Because what do you do then? You have to live your life. I think it comes in time. I think time is a healer. It's been over 5 yrs since the divorce and 8 yrs or so since I knew about his transgender issues. That's a long time. Letting go doesn't happen over night. And maybe that's why we're not aware of it when it does happen.

Reflection

2010-12-03T16:47:00.001Z

I've been thinking about why Reverb10 jumped out at me and spoke to me. The past 12 months have been horrible. Hands down, it has been the worse year of my life. It's not just that I lost my Dad and my aunt although quite honestly that would make this year bad enough. There's been a lot more. By reflecting and using the daily prompts of Reverb10, I'm hoping to get something more from these past months than just an overall "2010 was a bad year". I want to be able to write about why it was bad. I want to be able to find some moments of joy. Happiness. I want to look back and learn from the whole "bad year" experience.

And so for the next couple of weeks I'm hoping to do just that.

Reverb10 | Day 3 Prompt: Moment. Pick one moment during which you felt most alive this year. Describe it in vivid detail (texture, smells, voices, noises, colors).

A few weeks after my Dad passed away, we celebrated my eldest son's birthday. It was his 26th birthday. I knew it was going to be hard. Everyone there, mainly, and so Dad not being there would be so obvious. As a family we were still very much in shock. It all felt so surreal. Although Dad had been ill for a while and we knew his cancer was terminal, you wouldn't know it to look at him. He wasn't in hospital. Up until the last week before his death, he was still working. Yes, he was weak. Yes, he was on lots of drugs. And 4 days before he died the cancer spread to his brain.

Dad with my sister, her daughter and my hubby, Steve. This was about 6 weeks before Dad died

He didn't die a "normal" cancer death. I guess we were spared that. So the hospice specialist nurses told us. We were lucky. Dad was lucky. He decided to stop taking morphine as he wanted to be lucid and didn't like the hallucinations. They gave him steroids which gave us a miracle 2 days with him. The symptoms of the cancer going to his brain - loss of us of his right side, couldn't walk, etc.. - just disappeared. Dad was "back" with us. 2 precious days. It was March and very cold out still. He wanted to sit in the garden and have a cigar and he did. All his grandchildren and us 3 kids were with him those last 2 days. And his sister. My aunty Janet. She was staying with us.

And then without warning that evening while sitting in his favourite chair, he died. My brother was in the kitchen doing dinner. I'd been sat with Dad in the living room. We were watching the news and laughing at Mum as she breezed through the living room telling me off making sure that I was letting Dad watch whatever he wanted to watch. We laughed because my Mum always seemed to have the "control" over the TV. Dad had to watch what she wanted. We smiled at each other. Dad never minded. He was so easy going, happy go lucky and he absolutely adored and loved my Mum. Whatever made her happy made him happy.

My brother asked me if I would get Dad's medication ready for the night. Me, my brother and my sister had been staying at Mum & Dad's for the past several weeks "dawn to dusk" to help look after Dad but also Mum. She has her own health problems and the reality of Dad dying was too much for her. She lived in a little pretend world that all was ok. I think all the while us kids were there dealing with the reality, she felt somehow protected from the truth.

I was waiting for Steve to pick me up that evening and while waiting was just sat with Dad in the living room. I got up and passed my brother in the doorway and only managed a foot in the kitchen before he yelled at me. I turned and immediately knew that Dad had died. I saw it in a split second. His eyes were dead. He was gone. I knew it. In the split second I was standing in front of my Dad. I touched his face and told him it was ok. That Peter and I were there. It was ok.

And then suddenly something else took over and we called the paramedics and my brother and I got Dad on the floor to try and resuscitate him. It was all happening so fast. Mum was suddenly there and screaming at Dad not to leave her. I was grateful Dad was already dead at that point because I know if he were in that half state of dying, he would've heard my mum and been so distressed. Mum was desperate and then just as quickly it was like she realised it was too late. Dad was gone. Her beloved husband, best friend, life companion for the past 48yrs was gone. She seemed resolute.

I walked away. I remembered that Dad had signed some forms a few days before that he didn't want to be "resuscitated". I couldn't cope with it. The paramedics arrived and then the police and so the evening went on. They "called" Dad's death almost immediately.

And so it was. Dad died suddenly. Unexpectedly. We were in shock. For a long time. He was only 68yrs old. He was still working. He ran his own software business. He was vital and alive. He shouldn't have died then. He was brave and courageous. He never once got angry. He never once questioned his prognosis. My Mum asked him one afternoon why he wasn't angry or frustrated that he had cancer and was dying. He told her that when he was sat having chemotherapy, he would look around the room and see young people. Teenagers. Young adults in their twenties. Young mums. He'd had a good life. He had 68yrs. He had a life. A good life. How can he be angry when he looked around and saw these much younger people, just starting their lives, being robbed so young?

Fast forward a few weeks to my son's 26th birthday. My son is the eldest of my four kids. He's the eldest grandchild. He and my Dad were very close. He looks like my Dad. We celebrated his 26th birthday at a local country pub in their garden. A place familiar to us. Happy memories. It was the middle of April. Spring. The sun was shining. White, soft fluffy clouds gently dotted a beautiful blue sky. My granddaughter and my niece ran around. Playing. Squealing with delight. Blissfully unaware of the sadness and shock of the past few weeks. Just happy to be together. Just happy to be playing.

A lot of this past year has been surreal to me. Stressful. Sad. So very sad. Lots of very strange moments. But on that day, celebrating Daniel's birthday, I looked around and realised we were smiling. We were chatting. We all looked relaxed and happy. The grass seemed suddenly greener. The sun shine was brighter. As I looked over at everyone I realised the true legacy that Dad had left. It was real moment of truly feeling alive. Alive and happy. Alive in the realisation that although Dad was gone, he'd left so much for us. So much he'd taught us. Family. A real family. Good moments. Bad moments. So much love. Real love. That mattered most. I stood there and looked at everyone. His presence was there. He was there. I saw it in my son's face. I saw it the way my other son moved. I saw it in my mother's eyes. And in the youngsters running around playing.

That was a small moment in the past year I felt most alive. And I knew as I stood there that Dad would be so happy to see us celebrating. Enjoying our family time together. Laughing. Eating. Drinking. I couldn't bare the thought of us not celebrating. Of wallowing in our sadness and grief. And missing out on real moments of being alive and of experiencing joy. Dad would've been sad. And that's how I try to cope when I feel grief overwhelming me. I imagine Dad watching and willing me to enjoy my life. To live. To make the most of every moment.

Reverb 10 | Prompt 1 | One Word

2010-12-02T23:13:00.001Z

It's extremely rare for me to take part in online challenges. However, I came across this one, Reverb 10 via Ali Edwards blog, and it jumped out at me. Hit the inspired button so I'm giving it a shot.

Prompt 1: One Word
Encapsulate the year 2010 in one word. Explain why you’re choosing that word. Now, imagine it’s one year from today, what would you like the word to be that captures 2011 for you? (Author: Gwen Bell)
One word to describe 2010. Grief. It could've been loss, tragedy, sadness. All of them apply but honestly, "grief" is it. It's the one word. From January 1st 2010 right up to this minute, grief has dominated my life this year. Grief at having to watch my beloved Daddy die. Die before his time, in my opinion. Grief at seeing my Mum heartbroken. My whole family, heartbroken at the loss of my Dad. Grief when my beloved aunt died a few weeks later, my Dad's only sibling. I stare at a photograph of my grandparent, my Dad and my aunt. A whole dearly beloved family gone. It was like being repeatedly punched in the stomach. Grief losing my Dad's business. Fighting for my Mum's home. I really could go on.... my husband's cancer scare (not out of the woods yet), our car crash in France (we were unhurt), my daughter's brother-in-law almost fatal car crash just a few weeks ago. So yes, 2010 has been about grief and working through it.

My one word to describe 2011. It would have to be Healing. Soul healing. Physical healing. Financial healing. Emotional healing. Healing has to be the one word for my life for 2011.

Past Weeks in Photos

2010-11-30T17:23:00.003Z

Not sure where the past few weeks have gone. They included a very much needed holiday at Center Parcs, crocheting some Christmas presents, creating some Victoria Doves - hey U, I used some of your beautiful collage bits and pieces you sent me, to make one of the doves - hope you like, family time, creating a memory display using a printers tray as part of a truly great craft weekend over at Pickleberry Papercrafts, walks in the snow and Christmas/New Year planning.

It's the Journey

2010-11-09T00:22:00.000Z

There is a change. I sense it. I know it. I believe it. Just as Autumn is slowly slipping into Winter. More than anything else this past eleven months, I've learned that I need to live in the moment. Embrace the challenges. The changes. I'm excited about the new happenings in my life. They're on the horizon and are positive, uplifting and joyous. It's a little bit of respite in the middle of the sadness and grief.

For a while, it seemed to me that it meant I couldn't really dare dream for the future. Make plans. Have hopes and aspirations. But it doesn't mean that. Live in the here and now means we have to embrace the moments while hoping and dreaming for the "what's next". Don't miss life while planning your next great thing. Don't dream your life away.

Make those dreams, aspirations and hopes count now. Enjoy the hope and excitement of planning your future. Whether it's meeting a beloved friend next week for coffee, an upcoming holiday or a huge change in your life. The next day, month or a challenge for the coming year. Enjoy it. Embrace it. I'm pretty sure now that it's the journey that counts not the destination.

October 31st & Breakthrough

2010-10-31T10:20:00.002Z

The end of another month. Only two months left of 2010. I'm feeling reflective about this past year and hopeful for the new year coming up. With hope in my heart, ideas in my head and a newness of spirit, I've even bought a wall calendar and desk diary for 2011. I'm usually reflective like this at the beginning of January. I wonder if I'm trying to get this year over and done with? I don't want to really. More than ever before, I want every moment of my life to count. Each day means something. Each day has substance and beauty for me. I have to hold on to that. Even in the midst of the grief, sadness, frustrations and sometimes anger, I find moments of beauty. It may literally just be a moment, but it's there in that particular day.

Last night I wrote a list of new goals in my journal. I've even been thinking about having a "word" for 2011. I'm meditating and reflecting on that at the moment. A word immediately came to my mind as I started to write in my journal and I think I'm going to claim that word but ponder on it a bit more. As January and the new approaches and I make a decision, I'll share more about it here.

As I continue to struggle with my creative block particularly in regards to my work, I made a small breakthrough a couple of days ago. It was very late Thursday night and a close friend of mine challenged me in such a way that I felt upset and angry and reduced to tears. I sensed her frustration with me at not just "getting on with it". Strangely though it had the required effect. Although I lay on my bed and sobbed my heart out, within a couple of hours I was in front of my computer creating. The tears were long and hard. I sobbed and sobbed. It was more than the frustration of having a creative block. Steve came and laid with me and we talked and talked. I was exhausted afterwards but I felt the immense breakthrough.

My friend was right. She knows me well. Better than I realised actually. And I'm grateful for her words, her pushing and her frustration with me. I realise now that she only wanted the best for me and also knows what I'm capable of. I didn't create a masterpiece or anything too exciting but I opened Photoshop, I created some Photoshop styles. I created some promotional graphics and uploaded them to a store where I've started to sell again. Dana, the store owner is a close friend and she encouraged me to upload some of my previous work/products just to get me started selling again and then hopefully it would trigger something in me to get more creative.

It has worked. I'm making tentative improvements and moving forward. Slow but sure. Again. It's healing actually.

Random Thoughts

2010-10-28T23:02:00.000+01:00

I'm in a tiswas. Don't know how else to describe how I'm feeling. I don't know what I want half the time and the other half, I'm focused, excited and raring to go. I feel stuck. Creatively paralysed. I'm reading "Messy Canvas" over and over. I'm reading Kelly Rae's "Taking Flight" over and over.

Truth is, I think I'm being too hard on myself. I keep thinking I just need to be "over it". My Daddy has gone. It's been almost nine months. The grief is still raw. And I think that's why I don't know what to do with myself. I'm eating too much again. Comfort food. I cry for no apparent reason.

Upside down. Inside out.

Daddy, why did you have to go?

Messy Canvas - FREE Artist eBook by Mandy Steward

2010-10-22T10:18:00.000+01:00

I recently downloaded an interesting eBook, Messy Canvas, and just wanted to take a few minutes to tell you about it. It's written by one of my online friends, Mandy Steward. I first met Mandy several years ago when I joined the Scrap Girls Design Team. Over the years, after I left Scrap Girls, I continued to follow Mandy's blog and also shared more intimately with her through her Angry Homemade Noodles group.

I've always loved Mandy's deep, uncompromising honesty about her life and embracing imperfections. I think most of us would agree that we all would like to be perfect. Perfect wife. Mum. Homemaker. Artist. The list goes on. And you could be easily fooled into believing that your peers are living perfect lives. Start blog hopping and very soon you could find yourself trapped in a world where you believe all your fave artists, writers, photographers, website designers, digi scrap artists etc.. are all perfect. "Wow! How are they so prolific? And they make such wonderful "from scratch" meals. Look at their homes. They're spotless".

I've been there. It's one of my faults. My weaknesses. Comparing myself to others. Believing that they're lives are somehow more blessed than mine. That they've got more talent. More time. Perfection is easy for them. It's all lies and it can literally paralyse you. It has me, in the past. And more recently since my Daddy died.

Through reading Mandy's blog, she unwittingly helped me face some of those untruths in my life. I found it odd really as she's quite a bit younger than me. I have 4 grown up children and 2 grandchildren so I was a little bit fascinated that this young woman could teach me so much and inspire me so strongly just by sharing her life's experiences. It made me realise that you should have your hearts open, pliable and ready to learn from anyone and any situation. Learn. Embrace. Move forward. Share.

It was about embracing imperfections. My imperfections. Her raw honesty about her anger took me back 20 yrs when I was at home with 4 small children under 5. I remembered those days as if it were yesterday.

Mandy spoke about her anger. Her frustrations and her imperfections in a new and refreshing way. Rather than hide these usually negative emotions, she embraced them and shared them. Rather than hide it and pretend to the world that she had it altogether, she wrote candidly about it. Sharing like this opens up hearts and minds. It helps you realise that you're not alone. That there is someone else out there with the same issues. The same human frailties.

These issues may seem unrelated to being an artist but believe me, they are intrinsically related. Being true to yourself and learning to embrace the good, the bad and the ugly is freedom. That freedom will then reach deep into your soul and help you be who you want to be. Whether you want to write, paint, draw, play the piano, sew, knit, illustrate... the list goes on.

I'll be honest with you, those of you that are regular to my blog already know this, but I'm still struggling with finding "myself". Diane. Life has thrown me a few curve balls over the past 10 yrs. And I had the biggest crisis of identity after my first husband "came out" about being transgendered. It knocked me for six. 20 odd years of marriage. Gone. And so much more. I guess one day I should write about it. Anyway, slowly though, I've moved on. Little by little. Getting there. And then my beloved Daddy got sick recently and died. For some reason that sent me into another emotional tailspin.

Searching again. Who am I? Why am I feeling so paralysed? Why am I finding it so hard to get back to my life? To create. I want to create. I want to draw. Paint. And so on and on... That's kind of where I've been stuck for a little while. I know I'm still in the throes of mourning and grief counselling has been a huge blessing in my life.
And then I read "Messy Canvas". Mandy unwittingly gave me something magical and soul boosting. My creative soul is awakening. I can feel the yawning and stretching. She reminded me to embrace those imperfections. Her book is a massive kick-start. Whether you're a seasoned professional creative soul or someone who is just feeling a little lost. Perhaps you have "blank canvas" syndrome? Or you just have that yearning to create but don't think you have the talent and yet it's all you think about. All you dream about. Try reading Messy Canvas. It's an extraordinary read.

Mandy, thank you! Keep on doing what you're doing!

Past Week or So

2010-10-21T23:00:00.001+01:00

Unravelling the Past I

2010-10-08T04:07:00.005+01:00

When my Dad's sister died back in July, I don't think we were prepared for the emotional rollercoaster about to hit us. We were still grieving for the loss of Dad. And then to lose our aunty Janet as well just seemed so cruel. Janet had never married or left home and as we were her only family, everything was left to me, my brother and sister.

The past weeks have been spent sorting through everything. It's been some journey. Not only were were sorting out all Janet's things but found ourselves unravelling the lives of our grandparents.

Dad's Baptism Certificate 1941

[click on photos to enlarge]

It was so strange. Almost like they had also just died. We were always close to my Dad's family. Just the way it was. Our grandparents were so beloved. So loving. We were there only grandchildren. Some of this process has been quite comforting in light of Dad's death. It has been a real insight to the kind of people my grandparents were when they were younger. The kind of parents they were to Dad and Jan. Their love story. Their devotion to each other. Their lives during WWII.

Inoculation papers, a letter from my Grandad's best friend Reg who was fighting in France in WWII. The card with the baby on it was bought after my grandmother lost a baby in September 1942.

These are so beautiful. It's a collection of WWII postcards.

Couldn't believe it when I found these. Reciepts for my grandmother's engagement and wedding rings from 1939/1940.

Telegrams sent to my grandparents for their wedding

Reciept for their wedding cake and catering

And piles of photos. I've never seen so many photos.
These are only scratching the surface of what we found!

These photos are mainly of my Dad from when he was a baby in my grandmother's arms with my grandad proudly looking on to Dad as a teenager.

We know all this due to the fact that they kept so much. Its not even like they were hoarders. Everything looks like it was kept for real sentimental reasons. Carefully preserved to tell a story. WWII ration books; my Dad's 1st birthday cards; beautiful WWII post-cards; reciepts for my grandmother's engagement and wedding rings; reciept for their wedding cake; my granddad's driving licences dating right back to 1931 and oh so much more all kept to reveal so much of who they were long ago.

At the moment, I'm sorting everything out into some kind of order. We decided to create a big "Rooney Family" scrapbook to preserve these precious items and to tell "the story". I think I may have to actually make the scrapbook as I'm having problems finding the kind of one that I want and need for such a big project.

Next, I need to sort through all my grandmother's sewing tins... buttons galore, scissors, thimbles, crochet hooks, fabrics... and on.

In the meantime, I'm completely enthralled in the discovery of my family's history.

Creative Journey Goals

2010-10-05T14:52:00.000+01:00

Following on from my previous posts, I decided to make some realistic "to do" lists and new "daily goals" lists so I had something concrete to follow. I've been so bogged down with legal stuff, grief and goodness what else since my Dad died and still so much to do for the foreseeable future, that I think I just couldn't see how I could fit everything into my day. It seems to totally paralyse me.

So after a long chat with a couple of my closest friends as well as my beloved hubby, I made some headway and have been back in the saddle creating my little heart out. Steve & I are back on track for getting our own online store up and running.

I've been re-packaging and re-doing promotional graphics and uploading products to the store. Steve's been doing the same as well as working on new products.

Daily goals. It works. It doesn't have to be rigid. For me, I just had to have some structure to my day. I wanted to get back to work and so I needed to fit everything else around that. I'm at such a wonderful time in my life. My time, for intents and purposes, is my own. My family have grown up and flown the nest. I'm truly blessed to be married to a man who believes in me and encourages me in my artistic pursuits. Probably helps that he's an artist too! ha! I'm truly blessed to have a lovely little home with a neat little office/studio space.

Creating art. I also have a weekly goal of creating something just for me. For the creative process. It includes creating scrapbook pages, card-makeing, photo editing, painting, crocheting, sorting out my grandparents things - we trying to create a big scrapbook of all the photos and ephemera found when my aunt died. There's a lot to do for sure but breaking it down into specific goals seems to make it all less daunting.

Doorways

2010-10-01T18:39:00.001+01:00

There's an interesting fascination to me about doorways. Maybe I'm nosey. Curious? Whatever the reason, I love doorways. Windows too really, but mainly doorways. I want to know what's going on behind them. Where would they take me if I walked through them? Are people who live behind some of these doorways happy or sad? And on a more spiritual note as Maria Von Trapp once said, "whenever God closes a door, somewhere He opens a window". A message of hope in a time of trouble or when one is feeling hopeless.

It's something I'm claiming for my life at the moment. I feel like I'm at a creative impasse. I can't seem to go any further. In truth, it's been like this for a couple of years now. It's not just because of the awful year I've had. Forced into a sabbatical due to circumstances from which I'm emerging. I get fits and starts of inspiration and start to make headway and then I get hit by something unknown which stops me dead in my tracks. I've taken numerous online workshops/classes to try and get passed my impasse. Ha! Most of them were perfect for me and got me inspired. It was only temporary though.

I've got to figure this out soon. I need to work. Financially. I know I can make money from being creative. I know I'm a good digital artist. I'm a good graphic designer. I can say that and yet I can't practice it. I keep getting scared. Am I procrastinating for some reason? Am I feeling sorry for myself? Am I distracted? I just don't know.

I need a door or a window to open soon. Wide open. Clearly marked for me to go through.

A Choice To Be Positive

2010-09-20T18:20:00.000+01:00

I can barely believe that it's almost two months that have passed since I last posted in my blog. I've always considered myself a consistent blogger. So what has kept me from my beloved computer and blogging? Alot, I suppose. My aunt's funeral; an extended stay in Cornwall to try and sort out all her things and the legal stuff; a trip to France; helping my sister look after our Mum and so it goes on.

I want to sit here and say that "I'm back". I really want to be. I can't scream loud enough how much I need to get my life and routine back. It's been one thing after another. As well as losing my Dad, my aunt and fighting to save my Dad's business, we're struggling to save our Mum's home. Just before we went to France, Steve had tests done for Renal Cancer. He's been having some discomfort and mild aches on his right side and it appears that he has cysts on his right kidney but one of them looks "suspicious" and so they want to rule out renal cancer. We should know in the next few days one way or the other.

That was a couple of days before we left for France. My sister's in-laws had very kindly offered their holiday mobile home to us for a few days r&r. It's in a pretty little town called Chef-Butonne... near La Rochelle. Anyway, as we were travelling down to our destination, we were stopped at some red traffic lights and suddenly ploughed into by a bus. Yep. A bus hit us in the rear. Smashed the back of our car good and proper. Wont bore you with the rest of the story other than to say we weren't injured. Shocked. Yep. Injured. No. Miracle, for sure.

We somehow managed to salvage what was left of our holiday and had the most amazing peaceful time. Some incredible moments of togetherness. No TV. No DVDs. Just us. Just the wonderful surroundings. Peace. Nature. Quiet. Sunsets. Good wine. Good food. Steve taught me to play chess. We played scrabble. We talked and talked. We loved. We needed that time together. And it was during this time that I had a kind of an epiphany moment.

I realised that I couldn't control what was happening in my life. I suddenly realised the blessing it is to live in the moment. To live for today. There's nothing I could've done to stop my beloved Dad dying. My aunt. Nothing I did seemed to stop the problems with Dad's business. I can't fix my Mum's shattered, broken heart. I couldn't stop that bus from crashing into us. And if Steve does have cancer, there's nothing I can do about it. It is what it is.

What a relief. Somehow. To live life each day the best way I know how. To live as much as I can in the moment. I'm not silly. I still know that there are certain aspects of life that need planning. My diary is still full of appointments. I have dreams and aspirations. Steve & I have our dreams for the future. The difference is I'm not allowing the circumstances to pull me down and paralyse me. Yep. At many moments back there I was beginning to feel paralysed. Like I couldn't breathe. Panic stricken. Heartbroken. I had thoughts of death. I'm not being dramatic. I honestly wanted to just curl up in a ball and die.

That's all gone now. I know there will still be sad days. Bad days. For me though, I've got to look up. Stay focused. Remembering my Dad's sunny and positive disposition. It helps me to move forward. Each problem tackled when and if it arises. No matter what. I don't want any more of this tragedy to rob me of the joy of living. The joy of my family; my beloved husband; my grandchildren; my creativity;

I choose to live. I choose to be positive. I choose to look up.

A Glimpse into The Past

2010-08-09T18:30:00.000+01:00

I've been in Cornwall staying at my aunt's house. As she never married or had children, we're her "next of kin" and are now Executor's of her Will. Jan never left home and so we have been sorting through not only her belongings but all my Grandparents things since they died over 15yrs ago. It's been so sad, poignant and fascinating. They kept so many interesting things including my Dad's 1st birthday cards including a Walt Disney one from 1942. And so many letters. It has given us a glimpse into the lives of our beloved Grandparents and aunt beyond anything we knew of when they were alive.

My grandmother did indeed talk about her younger days and about when she met my granddad. We knew of our great-grandparents. We knew that my grandmother worked for Garrads (the Crown Jewellers). But nothing prepared us for the incredible documents we found. A letter from my grandad's best friend fighting in WWII telling of his love of the French ladies as well as descriptions of catching German soldiers. And so it goes on.

I'm overwhelmed. There's so much still to do. A constant round of legal processes, a funeral to arrange and Probate to sort out. The list goes on. I can't even begin to explain what my daily life has been like since before my Dad died. It's an extraordinary life at the moment. I'm exhausted. I'm sad. I'm grief stricken. But I'm also happy. I have hope. There's something so amazing in finding so much history of my Dad's family. Of our very beloved grandparent's. So many sentimental things we've found. Things that have jogged a childhood memory. And more.

It all has to be catalogued and some of the antique items need to be valued for insurance. There's a lot to do on top of everything else we're already working through since my Dad's death. What we do know is that we're going to put together several scrapbooks of all the letters, documents and ephemera. There's a story to be told. A legacy that has been left. My Dad, his parents and his sister. Gone from this place. Gone from us forever, here. A whole family. They deserve to have their story told. And it is our responsibility to tell it. To take those glimpses into the past and seal them forever so they can be passed on.

Shock

2010-07-29T22:01:00.000+01:00

I don't really know what to say other than I'm in shock. My aunt died suddenly yesterday. She was only 64yrs old. She was my Dad's only sibling. She never got married or had kids so we're her only family and were all close. I just wonder if she was heartbroken after her beloved older brother died??!! None of this makes sense.

In either case, I'm off to Cornwall to our family home where she lived, with my sister and Mum to arrange a funeral and sort out the home etc.. I can't believe we're arranging another funeral in such a short space of time??! Is this really happening??!! Hubby is staying here keeping the business ticking over. I'm packing up my laptop etc.. although the internet connection where I'm going is not that great. Still, I'm hoping for some time in the evening to at least do some design work, if for no other reason than to keep my mind busy and not thinking of all this grief.

It's all so very sad.

R.I.P Jan - we loved you so very much and you will be so very missed. x

Social Networking

2010-07-27T11:14:00.000+01:00

One thing my Dad always used to bang on about was networking. Networking. Networking. It's not what you know but who you know. Although I always kind of got it, it's only recently that I realised seriously what he meant by it.

Hubby & I have been slowly building our new business website. I'll be the one tackling the marketing and increasing our online presence and that's one of the reasons I took Kelly RaeRobert's e-course about starting an online creative business. I pretty much was clued up about creating a blog, Twitter, Facebook etc.. but have never realised the full potential of any of these social networking tools.

Within the past month I've made a lot of valuable contacts and new friends. I'm excited about it, not only for the possibility of increasing our online presence and therefore sales, but also the human aspect of socialising. Talking with like minded souls. Interacting with like minded souls. Sharing, dreaming and goal reaching with them.

And then there's the "oh what a small world" aspect of it. Through Twitter I met someone who was a teacher at a school I used to go to. She wasn't there when I was a student but nonetheless it was a fascinating conversation and connection. Again, through Twitter, I met someone who lives just up the road from where I lived 4yrs ago. Weird. I love these kind of connections.

There's so many stories in the news/press about the dangers of the internet and we have to be completely "eyes open" and sensible about them but my heart is glad that there's also a lot of good out there and going on. A lot of people connecting for good reasons. Business, friends, charity sponsorships, awareness campaigns. It's a good thing.

So Dad, thank you. You taught me well and your words are deep in my heart and I'm taking heed. It is who you know and not what you know. x

On the Up Side

2010-07-15T10:32:00.000+01:00

Out of nowhere and with no warning my beloved computer decided to stop working a few days ago. Nothing. All I got was a "black screen" and mouse cursor. Safe Mode. Re-boot after re-boot. Nothing. After several hours of troubleshooting, Steve suggested that I do a fresh install of Windows and "start over". Aaarrrggghhh NO. Surely not. Do you know what that means? Double and triple checking my back-up external hard drives are up to date. Double and triple checking I've remembered to back up everything including all my Photoshop presets, tools. Documents. iTunes playlists. And on and on.

And so in the early hours of Sunday morning I started the process. Back-ups all checked. C: formatted. Windows Vista reinstalled. And then a whole day of re-installing software. Finding all the serial numbers. Setting up folders. And the list goes on. I lost about 4 days.

I was so frustrated that this happened now while trying to upload products to our online store, creating new products and still working on our website. Aaarrgghhh. Not a good time. However, I had to be positive. I find just lately that I very easily spiral downwards to a depressed state of mind when things appear to be "going wrong" for me. I try to always search for the up side in every situation. And I found it. A fresh start. A clean slate. A faster computer. A new folder set up. Suddenly I went from frustration and annoyance to being excited and almost giddy with delight at having a "new computer!".

So I'm now very happily back to my creative state of play!

Good For the Soul

2010-07-08T14:48:00.000+01:00

That's what my husband said to me on our walk this morning. We try to go for a good 20 min walk every day usually first thing in the morning. Today we had to take the car for its MOT and chose the village garage as we're doing our best to support local businesses. Anyway, it meant we had a nice long walk home via the local church. It's amazing the things you notice on a walk that just pass you by when in a car?!

It truly was a beautiful walk. The sun was shining in a clear blue sky. I knew why Steve turned round to me and said it was good for the soul. It was. You could feel it. Although we live on a brand new housing estate, it is on the edge of the countryside. Within a minute of leaving our front door we are walking through the English countryside. Its such a wonderful setting and inspirational beyond words. After our walk this morning we both came home feeling motivated and inspired for work for the day. Doesn't get much better than that.

Creative Business in the Making

2010-07-04T01:25:00.000+01:00

Lately, my bedtime reading books are business topics. This is a fairly new thing for me and I find it ironic that I can't phone my Dad and tell him about my latest read. He would be so delighted and happy to discuss what I'm reading. What I'm creating. What accountant I'm using. It's strange somehow that I've had my epiphany moment now. Why now? Was his death somehow a kick up the backside for me? I'm doing what he always told me I could do but I never believed I could.

My own fears of failing and lack of self-confidence got in my way. Time and again. I've tried this before. I've always know this is me. I've always known what's been in my heart. I've heard the whispers and I've had the inspirations. But I would always find a reason not to "go for it". Everything from my kids were too little. My kids are teenagers. I'm going through a divorce. I'm moving house. My life is complicated. Everything. Every excuse under the sun. I was scared. I admit it. Failing was the biggest fear that crippled me from starting in earnest and soldiering on.

I don't know why now. It might be related to losing my Dad. I honest don't know. What I do know is how different it feels. How driven I am. There is a complete feeling of joy and pleasure in setting up the business. Creating the website. Product development. Working on marketing strategies. I love it! I've always loved the creative side of what I do. The designing. The creating the art. Making pretty papers. Creating stunning digital art. I get that. But creating a business? Doing accounts? Keeping reciepts? Marketing? Nope. Somehow though I've completely embraced all of it. And its truly exciting and is "so me". I feel like I've found my vocation. It suddenly makes sense.

Don't get me wrong, I'm still scared. I still have moments of when I think "Who do you think you are? Why would anyone be interested in your work? Why would anyone buy anything from you? What makes you think you can design? What makes you think you're an artist?" Ugh!! It's ok though. I know I'm a good artist and designer.

I know that I've had a good foundation through education and also through my parents. As well as a successful business man, my Dad was an accomplished artist. Mum is also a creative soul. I'm sure I've mentioned many times on my blog how I was the luckiest little girl as my Mum made lots of wonderful furniture and clothes and accessories for my Sindy doll. In true Blue Peter styles. Mum is also a beautiful poet and published. It's in the genes. That fact alone gives me a boost when I run up against one of my fears or a sudden knock down of self confidence.

I know this birthing stage is hard. Early days. Tiring. Painful. But oh so exciting. A creative business in the making.

Its Just Me

2010-06-24T12:38:00.000+01:00

I keep thinking that I'll just get everything done. That's it. Business up and running. Done. House all nice and clean and tidy. Done. Coffee with friends. Done. Time with family. Done. But it's not happening. I know its early days. Early days in setting up my business with Steve. So much to do. My "to do" list just goes on and on. I'm not overwhelmed by it. I guess I'm just frustrated. Its certainly a little like two steps forward and one step back. I think that's ok actually. Progress is happening.

I've let go of housework. I do what I can, when I can. I'm not anal about it like I used to be. Everything clean and tidy. Perfect. I just can't do it all. As women, I think we have a tendancy to believe we should do it all. We should be able to have it all. Family, career, creative time. Be the best friend. Best wife and lover. Best daughter and Mum. Its just not possible. I believe that we should aim to be ourselves. To be true to who we're meant to be. I believe we should use our gut instincts more. Not doubt them so much. As we move forward to being the person we're meant to be, I think the rest will fall into place.

I know I've got to stop being so hard on myself. I can't be everything to everyone. I want to but I can't. Somewhere along the way, I lost sight of my own dreams and goals. I was so busy saying "yes" to everyone else. I was too busy worrying what others, including my closest family members, would think of me if I said no. I didn't want to be a bother to anyone. I don't want to cause any problems or upset anyone. Its going to happen. I can't please everyone all of the time. It's not going to happen. I want to be gentle about it though. I still want to do my best.

More than ever before I'm aware of the fraility of life. How fleeting it is. Its learning what's truly important in life. Its only very recently that I realised the true value of being a stay at home mum. For so many years I kept thinking I'm not doing enough. I should be out working. I should be more ambitious. I should have a career. The hardest time came when my children started to become more independent and then slowly left home. Their father and I divorced and I struggled for so long thinking I'd somehow lost over 20 yrs of my life. It was truly heartbreaking. It was complex. It wasn't a "normal" divorce. There were some truly deep seated self-esteem issues I had to deal with due to my ex-husband being transgendered (and I didn't know!). One day, I'll write about it. Suffice to say it was a rough time in my life.

~ Jennifer, Daniel, Kristian and James - my kids ~

What I do know is that being a mum and raising four children was exactly what I was meant to be doing at that time. Regardless of the state of my marriage - good times & bad; the pressures from society and well meaning friends to be more, to do more. I now know that my greatest achievement was my children. With age and a lot of experience comes wisdom. I'm learning to use that wisdom and my gut instincts much more. To stop doubting myself. To believe more in who I am and to learn wisely from my failings and mistakes. Its ok to be me. Diane.

Beyond Measure

2010-06-21T01:30:00.001+01:00

I am an artist. I'm a creative soul. I believe that we are all creative souls. Each and every one of us were born to be creative in some way or another. I'm choosing to let my light shine. Imagine. Dream. Believe. Create. Do. I saw how my Mum's light shone in her creative endeavours whether it was her writing poetry, drawing or making doll furniture for my Sindy. My Dad let his light shine. He was an artist. He painted. I watched him sketching and painting. My parents set that example for me and I don't think they even realised it. They let their lights shine. They were true to their creative souls. Somewhere along the way I lost that part of me. I found it again. Beyond measure. Blossoming. Unleashed. Free.

~a little owl sneak peek of downloadable paper craft pack I'm working on ~

The e-course, Flying Lessons, has further helped me realise that dream. To know that it's ok to say "I am an artist". To be true to my creative soul. It's liberating to be in the company of so many other like minded souls not afraid to take that leap of faith. To step out and make that transition from dream to reality.

Reaching Skyward

2010-06-12T00:56:00.000+01:00

It's almost a year since we moved into our new home. A year on and we've just set up our own business. Together. Steve and I are working side by side. It was like that when we met. Our shared passion of art, computers brought us together. I've dabbled in and out of my creative dream over the years. Never being consistent. My fears getting the best of me at every turn.

I knew deep in my heart that together we have great potential. Together our brainstorming sessions are electric. Inspiring and exciting. We see the same things in the clouds. On our walks in the woods bring further inspirations and excitement about "what's next". Wanting to work from home with my beloved. Watching him every day drawing, writing, designing wanting me beside him. He's been patient with me. I feel weird that my turning point was the loss of my beloved Dad.

Just the way it is I guess. A series of events led me down this path to such a time as this. To fulfilling my dreams. It's more than just setting up a business. It truly is living my dream. It doesn't get better than this. It's hard work. I'm not sitting here saying it's easy. It's not. My grief is still raw and painful. My Dad was a successful businessman and so each step of setting up our creative business journey, I want to call him and tell him.

This week has been pivotal. Our store is just about set up. We rec'd our incorporation certificate. We stood in the kitchen after opening our mail, just grinning like cheshire cats. Maybe not terribly excting to others but for us it was all legal. Stedi Arts Ltd is real. In the midst of all our hard work this week we even came up with my product ideas. So many ideas. So little time. We honestly have a lifetime of art to create. I'm not kidding. We have notebooks, sketchbooks and diaries full of our idea. Some going back years when we first met and first talked about working together... long before we were romantically involved.

One of my fears has been the diversity of what we create. Steve's work is predominantly 3d content and very "blokey". Mine is very much "girlie", more 2d and graphical. I kept trying to convince Steve that the business should be about him and his creative work and I'll do all the admin but no. He would gently encourage me and tell me that my art is just as important, just as good and valuable. The creative business we wanted to set up was about us both. I know it was my fears speaking to me and taunting me.

Slowly I've been able to overcome these fears and we've even come up with great product ideas that combine both our styles and work. It really is a dream come true for us both. We are complementary. He sees things I don't and vice versa. We love that even on our walks and trips out, we get new ideas. So much inspiration around us.

I know. It sounds corny. It really isn't. Steve was brave to give up his normal "day job" 10 yrs ago and start to live his dream for working for himself creating art. Not long after that, when we met, I was in the "empty nest" stage of my life. Going through a divorce. My beloved children growing up and leaving home. I didn't know what I wanted to do. I'd been a stay at home since I was 19yrs. All I really knew was that I loved being on my computer. I loved my art. I loved my crafts. I loved helping my Dad out with his business over the years when my children were little. Dad set me up with a little computer way back in the early 90s. Somehow, when I met Steve and we realised we shared so many passions, all these things came together.

And now I'm reaching skyward. Staying focused. Staying committed. The e-course that I'm doing and mentioned before, is perfect timing. So much great information and a lot of inspiration. Alot of what I'm learning, I'm able to actually put into practice there and then. Today, is 3 months since my Dad died. I had an emotional breakdown earlier on this afternoon. I think it was culmination of the pain of grief and the coming together of so many great things in my life. And I can't tell the one person who would be the most proud and most excited for me.

Comfort

2010-06-06T18:50:00.000+01:00

I've been thinking about what brings me comfort. You know, the kind of comfort people talk about when you've lost someone close. The comfort in a time of loss kind of comfort. I'm not entirely convinced that there is such a thing. From my perspective, I feel marginally better for a moment.

Solitude. I recently went away with my sister and my mum and had many moments of solitude. It was bliss. I was completely alone with my thoughts. Sitting with my favourite coffee in the middle of a forest overlooking a lake! Me and my thoughts. It was somehow comforting. Fleetingly. I so quickly get jarred back to reality. My thoughts go quickly to my Dad. Happy thoughts. Fond memories but then the pain of the loss punches you in the stomach. Unawares. Winded. Ugh! Oh yeah... food. Food brings me comfort. It's momentary and in some cases, costly. Ugh! Moment on the lips and all that. Oh well.

An image of days gone by. Comforting. I think of my grandparents. My Dad's parents. Again, I feel such warmth and comfort thinking of them. I know that one day, I'll be able to think of my Dad that way and not feel this pain of loss so acutely that it almost paralyses me.

Innoncence of children. I love watching my granddaughter and my niece. They are the same age and the best of friends. They play. They talk. They're almost oblivious of the pain around them. Of course though they're not silly. Suddenly one of them, both of them will for no apparent reason come up to me, hug me and tell me that they love me. Back to play. Its comforting somehow that their little worlds just carry on regardless.

An unfinished portrait. An unfinished painting. Sitting waiting for me to pick up my brushes again. I like it like that. At the moment, I don't want to finish it. Something's stopping me. I think I know what it is but I can't say. I love to just walk past it every day as I go to sit at my computer. She stares at me all day. Please finish me. I know I will but for now, I'm happy how she is.

Working. I'm really working. For the first time in my life I've started to breakthrough some major fears and do what I've always wanted to do apart from being a Mum. That was my goal in life when I was a child. Be a Mummy.

For a long time, I've not known what to do since my beloved children flew the nest. I've been up and down like a yo you. Depression. Low self-esteem. Severe lack of self confidence. All I've known is that I love creating art. I love working on my computer. I met my husband through my love of art and computers. He's always told me how good we'd be together - working. He has the same dreams and passions. So guess what?? I'm working with him doing what I love. Art. Computer. Turn my passions into a business. I'm setting up a limited company. I'm doing accounts. I'm building a website. I'm doing administration. I love it. I'm sad that I can't phone Dad and tell him. I want to tell him we're using his accountant. I want to tell him I'm learning about SWOT analysis. Oh and I'm doing a business plan and profit and loss forecasts. Its a small business - just me and Steve - I need to do all these things though. They're not vital to our success. We're already successful. The very fact we're working together already is enough. The measure of our success isn't about pounds ££££ and pence. It's about the passion in creating our art. It's the passion we feel about what we do and why we do it. One day, very soon, I need to share "our story"!

I do these things because they're helping me overcome so many fears. I'm doing them so I can prove something to myself. I love the feeling of this comittment. The start of something fresh and new. A promise to ourselves is coming to fruition. Working through the fears has been happening slowly over the past few years. Dad dying seemed to be a catalyst in me facing the final hurdle. And jump it!

There is comfort in what I do every day. Small comfort. But its there and tangible.

Following Dreams; Making Goals; Staying Committed

2010-06-02T01:00:00.004+01:00

My life is moving on. So many changes have occurred since my Dad died. I can't believe the changes in me, personally. Challenging. Uplifting. I also feel strangely free. It's not in a mean way against my Dad. He was a kind, loving and generous man. He was an amazing father. He was someone I looked up to and someone that I always wanted approval from. I wanted to always make him proud. I know I disappointed him when I dropped out of business college; got pregnant and married at just 19yrs. I went on to have another 3 kids in as many years and so my greatest achievement for making Dad proud of me was the four grandchildren I gave him.

Over the years, I dipped in and out of working for him. He helped me and encouraged me to always be creative and reach my goals. To have goals in the first place was quite an achievement. I never went out to full-time work. My main job was always being Mum to my kids. Raising four of them close in age was no mean feat, I can tell you.

I've always been proud of the fact that I was at home looking after my children. No matter how hard it was financially. No matter how hard it was when I thought I couldn't stand it another moment. To want to have a normal adult conversation... deep down, I knew that my highest calling was being Mum at that point in time to those children. I also knew that one day I would want to find out more about me. I've always been creative. It was a passion. To be creative. And to maybe even be successful in my own right. As Diane. Not as a wife or mother but as my own person. Somehow.

I was crippled with a low self-esteem and a severe lack of confidence. I suffered from horrendous post-natal depression for years due to it not being properly diagnosed. Once my kids were grown and starting to leave home, I went through a difficult divorce. Well, let's face it, no divorce is easy. During all this time I had dreams. I had an online presence in some shape or form. I was always being creative in some shape or form. I was never away from my books, computer or drawing for very long. I did small bits of custom graphic work here and there. Never really amounted to much. I was always scared of it moving forward. I was scared of running my own business. I was scared of the administration and so much more.

I wonder, though, if more than anything, I was scared of letting my Dad down? Of never really reaching my full potential and so failing somehow. I also know that if he were reading this now, he'd be cross with me and tell me I was being silly. But it's true. I wanted him to be proud of me. How could he be proud if I failed at my own business?

The truth is quite different. I've never been ready to make a full committment to following my dream. I've shied away from it at every turn. Just when I think I might be ready, something has happened in my life to stop me. In the past 10 yrs, I've coped with my brother being sent to prison for a crime he didn't commit; I've moved house 5 times; I've struggled with a failing marriage and had to face the horrible truth (for me) that my ex-husband is transgendered and had been since before we met; I met and married the love of my life not long after leaving my ex: I've had to cope with my Mum developing lung disease as well as my Dad's illness and then death. In the middle of that has been the joy of my grandchildren being born and my children moving on with their lives and becoming wonderful, reasonably well balanced young adults in spite of all they've had to deal with as well.

It's been a roller coaster ride, for sure. I'm not saying this all as an excuse. I guess I'm actually talking to myself and explaining to myself why I've never really fully committed to seeing my dreams and goals fulfilled. How could I?

So why now? In all honesty, I don't know other than it feels right. I'm settled into a new marriage; we've bought our first home which means no more having to move from rental accommodation. More than that, my decision to move forward now seems to be inextricably linked to losing my Dad. I don't know if it's because I was forced to deal with some major business problems as a result of his death. I was put in situations that would've normally left me in a cold sweat and running a million miles away. But I had to do it. My sister and I had no choice. We had to fight for my Dad's business and his estate for our mother's sake. And to keep a roof over her head.

I found it challenging, frustrating, exciting all at once. I felt my self-confidence soaring. It seemed I wasn't going to die or the ground swallow me up when I walked into a room full of businessmen. I could face a bank manager with confidence. I could do a VAT return and nothing untoward would happen. And so it goes on.

In the middle of all this, Steve and I started talking again about our own goals and dreams. We met 6 yrs ago online in an art community. I loved his work. We emailed and started a friendship. We then started working together. It was still very part-time for me but nontheless we realised that we had a lot of skills and talents between us that meant we worked so very well together. We then fell in love; moved in together and got married. Our dreams of working together kind of got left by the wayside.

Until now. Our dream was to set up our own business creating quality graphics - 3d digital models, textures and 2d images, photo art, photo references as well as offering various custom graphic services. Basically just putting all our skills and passion for creating graphics into a business package. Steve has been doing very well as a self-employed 3d digital content artist for the past 10 yrs or so and as such was recently advised to go from being self-employed to setting up a Ltd company. And so we started talking, researching and planning.

We are in the early stages of the business set-up. Lots going on behind the scenes. We are both committed. Excited and happy to finally seeing our original dreams coming to fruition. I love that Steve and I can do this together. He already made that jump and committment. Giving up a "real" full time job to step into the unknown world of becoming a self-employed artist. He knows about having dreams and reaching goals. For him, setting up a business where we are both working together is just another goal on his list to cross off.

During the past week while working on getting the business up and running and surfing my fave blogs, I came across an e-course about setting up an online creative business - "Flying Lessons-Tips&Tricks to Help Your Creative Business Soar" by Kelly RaeRoberts. This course is perfect for me, right now. Perfect timing. Perfect content. I chatted with Steve about it and decided to sign up immediately as it was about to start that same day!

I'm so glad I did. Its re-affirming all I've been thinking about and hoping for. I'm excited and know I've got a new found faith in myself, my abilities, my creative endeavours. I feel at one with my husband. I feel like we're working towards the same goal again. It's like we were just bobbing along. Drifting somehow. We've moved back to each other. The way we met.

Yes, I know life is up and down. I can't think about tomorrow. Right now, today is here and now. I'm making short term goals, immediate in the next 2 week kinda goals. I'm making medium term goals and I have long term goals. I'm committed to making this work and moving forward.

I'm still sad. I'm still grieving for the loss of my Dad. I have moments every single day where I'm overwhelmed by the loss. Somehow though I have this very strange sense of freedom from myself. I've kept myself locked up and unable to move forward very far. I feel like Dad is somewhere being proud of me. Somewhere somehow excited that I'm finally finding out who Diane really is; dreaming big; making goals and staying committed to the promise of being who I need to be and want to be.

Boardrooms, Painting and Grieving

2010-05-13T19:11:00.000+01:00

Not in any particular order but that's essentially been my life since my Dad died. Dad was a businessman. Along time ago, back in the late 70's, he had an idea for simplifying the procurement process for managing materials in the oil/gas industry which he worked in. Think big. North Sea oil rigs. Anyway, he then spent several years designing a system (CAPS - computer aided procurement system); got a top notch software programmer on board and started his own business. It has greatly evolved since then obviously.

Today, things are very different. The other two shareholders are in the middle of a corporate punch up. We're in the middle and its not nice. I can't go into details for legal reasons. Suffice to say that I know more about Company Law (UK), cash flow forecasts, profit and loss, swot analysis, shareholders agreements, Articles of Association and sat round more boardroom tables than can be good for a simple woman like me! ha! I kid you not! My sister is the same. Being Executors/Trustees of Dad's estate we've literally had no choice but to fight this fight. Either that or lose everything including a lifetime of my Dad's work and my Mum's financial security - no exaggeration!

It's the strangest thing, I've risen to the challenge. I have a strength I didn't know I had. I'm exhausted beyond anything I've done before even raising 4 children of similar age. Not joking. I've cried and cried through frustration, exhaustion and anger of the situation we're in. I love it. I hate it. I feel to some extent, I've found my vocation. I'm not scared of business and its complexities. I'm not scared of walking into a board room full of "suited and booted" men. I was, at first, terrified and if I'm honest, intimidated but then suddenly something changed. I don't know what. I don't know when. My eldest son runs his own business and he's been a tower of strength with his advice and support. That's been a great help. Just when I thought I couldn't take any more, he'd tell me not to worry, the adrenaline will kick in, "you can do it, Mum", he tell me. And it did and I could.

My son, Daniel at his business in London, with my Dad - taken just 5 weeks before Dad died

It's not over. We're still negotiating. It's slowly moving forward. We have a fantastic corporate lawyer. He's been amazing and worth every single penny. He's been encouraging to me and my sister. We've been told by him and experienced businessmen involved in this, how proud we should be of ourselves for our conduct and professionalism. For our behaviour in the boardroom and of our emails, letters.. etc.. Not bad for 2 middle aged housewives!! hahaha!

More importantly to us, is the knowledge that Dad would be proud of us. His girls. I've often had people say to me, including my Mum, that I'm "my father's daughter". Oh yes indeed. It appears that I may well be! Just a little bit anyway. His shoes are too big to fill. I'm not saying I could ever be who he was in his role as a businessman but I know I'm more capable than I believe I ever could be. I know I can achieve more than I ever thought possible. It means I can reach for my goals and dreams with a new gusto.

In the middle of all that, I managed to find a little time to paint. Slow but sure. I've found a new love... painting portraits. Again, something from my Dad. He was an artist. I have the most wonderful memories of him sketching and then painting. The smell of oils will always remind me of my Dad! I now have a new goal. I want to do portraits of my kids and my grandchildren. Ambitious, yes. I'm excited about it. It's something so far removed from my every day life at the moment so is a great escape. And a nod to my Dad. Another way to remember him and honour all that he taught me when I was little and in my teens but only now can appreciate!

Somewhere in all of this, I'm grieving for my loss. Not sure how or when but I think its happening. I get moments of being overwhelmed with the pain of the loss. I go to call him when I've got a question about his business and it's only as I pick up the telephone, I remember that he's died. Today would've been his 69th birthday. My thought processes are strange. I guess it's grief. But today, I thought to myself that I could buy him a birthday card every year and then just save them and give them to him when I see him again. When he comes home. And then I realise, he's not coming home. I think it's my frustration at wanting to acknowledge his birthday. To be able to tell him "Happy Birthday, Dad". And I can't. I guess it'll get easier with each year that passes.

I'm deeply sad. I feel a huge depth of emptiness. He's gone. I don't want him to be gone. Where are you, Dad? Where did you go? I hear myself say this almost every day. I wake up and forget for a split second that he's died and then I remember and all I can do is just sigh so heavily, it hurts.

It seems appropriate to me today to make this post. His birthday. I love you, Dad and I miss you so much. Happy Birthday!

Life Changing Decisions

2010-04-25T17:46:00.000+01:00

Its shocking to me how life can change in such a short space of time. I can't share completely what's going on at the moment. I'm up for the challenge though and although the situation itself is not what I would've wanted for my life, I'm doing my best to make it worth my while. And I can see that this may well be exactly what I've needed for a long time now. I mean a very long time. Watch this space.

A Flicker of Hope

2010-04-17T15:14:00.000+01:00

I've been feeling like I want to paint. Or do something. Anything creative really. It makes me feel like life will eventually get back to some kind of normality.

No Words

2010-04-12T09:01:00.000+01:00

I've been thinking that I want to do a new post here but words fail me. I don't know what to say. Grief overwhelms me. Its a day-by-day thing. Good days. Bad days. I keep saying to myself.."where are you, Daddy"? Because I can't believe he's gone. Surely not. Even when I visit his grave, I can't quite work it all out. He's gone. But surely not. I know it'll get easier.

Numb

2010-03-12T08:38:00.002Z

My Dad died.

Standing Still

2010-02-25T13:46:00.000Z

Life's on hold. Most days I'm on some kind of automatic pilot. Just getting through each day and doing my best not to think too much about tomorrow. I hope tomorrow never comes. I know really that it will. Dad's cancer has progressed. My sister and I spend our days doing what we can to be with our parents; to help wherever we can. And you know what? It's an honour and a privelege. No matter how tired I am; no matter how drained I feel, every day that I'm with my parents, I consider to be a privelege. They gave me life. A good childhood. Wisdom. Love. And many good values, morals and so much more.

Helping my Dad and my Mum get through this horrible time is the very least I can do.

One day, I will pick up the pieces of my life and carry on. Right now, I'm standing still in a place where I'm needed most.

Past Few Days

2010-02-05T14:35:00.002Z

So much has gone on in the past few days. Don't know where to start so here's a list in words and photos of my recent thoughts, emotions and what I've been doing.

Digital Piracy

2010-01-29T18:57:00.001Z

A friend of mine has been repeatedly fighting a major digital piracy problem. People buying her digital products and then giving them away to online and email groups. She's also suffered a number copyright violations and the situation is getting out of hand and serious. I could say more but instead I'll post a link to her website where you can read more about the problem and what her and her husband are now doing to tackle it. It's interesting reading especially if you're a digital artist. Well worth a read.

http://www.jaguarwoman.com/

Splash of Colour

2010-01-25T21:47:00.001Z

I love the studio and boutique shop, Pickleberry Papercrafts, where I'm taking my art journal workshop. It's an inspiring and creative space. Surrounded by beautiful art supplies, paper crafting goodies in an array of colours and textures. So yummy! I come away wanting more. Motivated and inspired.

These colours are out of my comfort zone. I guess sometimes you just need colour in your life. Real colour. Positive emotional colour. Uplifting. So bright and bold. And I'm not really sure why I chose them to work with for my art journal. I was drawn to them and loved working with them. I usually choose muted tones. These bright and bold colours are happy. I need happy at the moment. It somehow balances out the sadness that's in my life. I don't know how my art journal will unfold. I don't have a theme in mind. I want it to be organic. Already though, I'm excited about the choices I've made and how its evolving.

Happy. Yes. Happy. Bright and beautiful.

Website

2010-01-20T12:04:00.000Z

After ummming and ahhhhing for eternity about whether or not to put my website back online, I finally bit the bullet, updated it and uploaded last night. Just my little home on the web. Mainly my digital art. I'll add a gallery for my mixed paintings soon. Actually feels good to have it back online. I've had a website online since late 90s so just felt right to update it and be back online. I'm still tweaking so be sure to let me know if you find anything wrong or not working properly.

Diane Rooney's Digital Fine Art and Design

Clean, Tidy, Cosy

2010-01-18T13:24:00.000Z

I love the promise of a new day. And a new week. New things. Maybe good. Maybe bad. Either way, I want to embrace this day, this week. So I started my day by doing all the housework. I always feel so good once I've finished and everything is spic and span! I can now happily launch myself into my week. Working on a lot of new creative endeavours! More about them soon. Hope everyone has a good week.

An Apple a Day

2010-01-16T13:21:00.001Z

According to new research, eating an apple a day can help significantly reduce the risk of bowel cancer. I have no reason to doubt this. However, one thing I'm learning very fast is that every person is different. Cancer is aggressive and shows no mercy whether you've eaten an apple a day or not. My burden of grief that I spoke about previously is related to my Dad. He has advanced stage cancer of the colon a.k.a bowel cancer. He was diagnosed 15 months ago and although he's had chemotherapy and surgery, the cancer has returned to such a degree, they're now only offering him palliative treatment.

Dad and Mum on Dad's 68th birthday (May 2009)

We only found this out a few days ago. It's still sinking in. I don't actually know what to do with myself. This is from my perspective. I can't even begin to talk about how this is affecting my Dad and my Mum. That's a whole other blog post. Or my siblings and my children.

For me, I need something to get into. I have great goals and hopes for 2010. More crafty projects. More art to create. Revamping my website (its nearly finished). New friends to make. I'm overwhelmed by the blessings in my life. And yet, I do have this huge burden of grief. I can't stop for a moment and think about how it could engulf me. I need to keep moving. I know one day it'll catch up but for now. I have to keep busy and carry on as normal. My Dad said to us that we should all live our lives "one day at a time". Enjoy that day. Tomorrow's not promised to any of us. I'm honouring my Dad now, through the coming days, weeks, months, by living for today as best I can.

You may recall a recent blog post here about an Art Journal course I signed up for at Pickleberry Papercraft. It started Thursday and I actually didn't know whether to go having just found out about my Dad. I knew though that it would do me the world of good to go and I might even make some new friends, which I need to do, and enjoy myself. Just a few hours not to think about what's ahead for my Dad and coping with my grief. I was somewhat nervous at the thought of meeting new people and venturing out.

My life's been a roller coaster ride for a good 10 yrs now with one thing and another. In and out of various seasons. Some quite painful. Some resulting in me ending up more or less as a hermit, in my own little world. It was time for me to step out and meet new people. I shouldn't have worried as everyone made me feel welcome including Kate, who owns Pickleberry Papercraft, and Jane, who is teaching the workshop.

I loved the workshop. It was so satisfying to work in such a creative environment. I was focused and got right into it. It was what I needed and it inspired me forwards for all my other creative endeavours. Maybe even new friendships in the making and new opportunities for me. More about that another time.

Oh and I'm eating an apple a day.

On my Mind

2010-01-14T22:52:00.000Z

Burden of Grief

2010-01-12T21:43:00.000Z

I got some really sad news today. I can't talk about it because I don't know what to say but I wanted to log it down here somehow. When I read this back in months to come; years to come I'll know what it is. This heavy burden of grief that I don't know what to do with. It's mine. And I guess I need to claim it; see it through and then let it go. How long that's going to take is anyone's guess.

Today is now. Tomorrow is not promised to any of us.

Camera Woes

2010-01-11T12:37:00.000Z

I'm not a photographer. Ha! I love photography and like to think of myself as a casual hobbyist photographer. I've always embraced the new digital technology starting out with a Sony FinePix something or other many, many moons ago. I upgraded as and when I could afford to and moved with the times. At some point those cameras weren't enough and I was desperate to try a digital slr. I used to have a Canon SLR a hundred years ago so decided to try looking at the Canon range first and after much ado, I bought a beautiful Canon EOS 450 D. What fun! I learned loads and took some great photos.

It served me well but last year I realised that I needed a little "point and shoot" camera that was easier to take around with me and also for taking those instant magic moment shots as well as those fun candid ones. Everyone knows you're around taking photos when you get out a hunking big digi slr!! ha! Well, it's big compared to a little "point and shoot".

So my gorgeous hubby bought me a little Panasonic Lumix something or other with all the bits like bag, sd card etc.. He got it for my birthday and I was so excited. And what a fab little camera. This whole past year it hasn't been from my side. I took it everywhere and have 1000s of photos on my hdd to prove it. But now it's gone and I'm sad. I've been sad for 2 months now. Back in early November I went for my usual walk, camera in hand. I remember taking some photos of autumn foliage, red berries etc.. I remember coming in the back door, walking into the kitchen and putting my camera (in bag or so I thought) on the side.

And then I just went on doing whatever until I remembered I needed to take the photos off the camera. Could I find that camera??!! Nope! Nowhere. No how. Not to be found. I hunted high and low. I started looking in stupid places. Truth be told I was getting silly by now. So that was that. I was actually very upset. Mainly because Steve bought it for me. He knows how much I love my photography. And he bought me what I wanted. He kept reassuring me that we could get a new one. But no, I insisted on looking for it. It wasn't the point anyway. It was how stupid I was feeling. Where was it? Did I drop it? Did someone pinch it??! Ugh!

So that's what I've been doing on and off for 2 months. Looking for my camera and kicking myself for losing it. I've been using Steve's camera. Sometimes. It's a digital slr. It's big and posh and cost a whole load of money and I hate, hate using it. I'm terrified of using it. So the other day after another half hour of crying and searching for my camera, I relented. I asked Steve if he would get me a new one.

Of course he said yes. I put some of my Christmas and birthday vouchers towards it (thanks to mil, Janice!) and we ordered a new Panasonic Lumix. The next model up, of course. I'm happy. My new camera will be here any day depending on the adverse weather conditions! ha! I know that was a long way round to basically saying, I've got a new camera. I just needed to talk about my camera woes. I needed to get this off my chest so I could "let it go". ha!

Check back soon for some new spiffy photos taken with my new camera! :)

Time to just Be

2010-01-08T22:28:00.001Z

Steve and I have been sick on and off for almost six weeks now. Today was one of our better days and we decided to go out. We wanted time away. Time on our own. Time to just be. And it was beautiful. We took a very slow nice drive out to the countryside, found a little village and went for a lovely much needed walk.

We talked. We held hands. We talked some more. We laughed. We always laugh. Every day. We took photos. We planned. And we talked more! And we just enjoyed being still. In the moment. In the stillness of the snow. The quiet.

Perfect Birthday

2010-01-05T22:40:00.000Z

46 today! It's been a day of bliss and blessings! I have the most precious family! And to end the day, it's started to snow. I mean really snow. Coldest Winter in over 30 yrs, apparently. Looking forward to a good old fashioned snow day tomorrow.

Fresh Start

2010-01-04T00:52:00.003Z

I love that feeling of newness. The opportunity to start fresh. New. To startover. New goals. New dreams. It doesn't matter if you do that every single day. That's the wonder of a new day. And a New Year. New resolutions. New beginnings. For me, I want to look at the here and now. Maybe a little forward but not much. I have the need to live in the here and now. That's what my New Year resolution is. Live in the here and now. Stop looking back. Make new memories.

There are a million things I want to do in 2010. Some big. Some not so big. All, though, are me. About me. My family. My beloved husband. It's about me and them. Simple. Nothing too remarkable. And no pressure. Day by day goals. They're open ended goals. I can move the goal posts if I need to. I don't want to feel pressure this year. I want this year to be about moments. Making momentary memories. Not stressed out days filled with "oh, if only I had more hours in the day"!!. Nope. I want to eeeeek out the hours in each day. Make them count. What isn't achieved in any particular day can spill over into the next day. Simple.

Yes. Fresh starts. Perfect.

Happy New Year!

2009-12-31T18:54:00.000Z

Thinking of all my family and dearest friends, near and far, this evening as 2009 comes to a close. So much to say about the past year... so many thoughts...and oh so many hopes and dreams for the New Year!

Peace on Earth

2009-12-21T23:51:00.000Z

'Tis the Season

2009-12-11T23:10:00.001Z

To be Jolly.... Fa La La La La La La La La

Oh yes... 'tis the Season... and oh how I love this time of year. I'm a traditionalist. I love old fashioned values and ideas. I don't like the commercialism. I love the simplicity of the Season. Family. Friends. Food. Hope. Lights. Candles. Wreaths. Evergreens. Red. Berries. Cold frosty mornings. Warm cosy, dark afternoons indoors. Lists. I love sitting in my chair snuggled up in my throw writing "to do" lists. Christmas cards. Oh I love sat writing them out while watching/listening to "It's a Wonderful Life" or some other similar old Christmas film. Yes. I'm totally into the Season.

Building on the Dream

2009-11-26T11:58:00.006Z

I've recently been reading a fantastic and inspiring book called, "Taking Flight" by Kelly Rae Roberts. In one of the chapters she talks about taking courses and art workshops. Getting together with like minded people. Learning and sharing together. And I've really been aching to do that. Taking it to the next level. I've enjoyed doing a few online courses and made lots of friends. I know doing a local art/craft course would be working on the foundation I've built through these other courses online.

However, when I did an initial search for local art courses and workshops, I just couldn't find anything. There were plenty of holiday courses but they cost £££ and I can't do that right now.

So I let it go.

And then the other day while reading a blog, Jane Dean, that I'd not visited for a long time, I clicked on a link to Pickleberry Papercrafts (love that name). What a great little online store! I had a good nose around and then saw that they're about 15 mins up the road from me. Cool. Oh and then I saw that they do workshops and courses and there it was. An Art Journal Workshop. Could it be any more perfect?! I signed up there and then. And I can't wait til it starts!

Creating, Thinking, Being

2009-11-26T02:07:00.002Z

Not in any particular order, my thoughts over past few days:

Steve
art journals
grandchildren
leaking roof
Ikea
drawing faces
making dolls
my children
my grandchildren
pilates
needing a new pc
opthamologist appointment
my brother
digital product development
Disney movies
finishing my website
crafts
looking for art classes/workshops
Christmas
New Year
my Nan
snowglobes
dishwasher
gingerbread house
Jesus
old friends
country walks
Autumn weather
granddaughter's birthday

Bobbing Along

2009-11-16T12:34:00.000Z

Doobie, doobie, doobie doo...just bobbing along... lots of love, family, Christmas planning going on around here! x

In the Moment

2009-11-08T23:02:00.000Z

In no particular order, I'm

looking forward to getting my eyes tested this week
loving my family and feeling so blessed by them
dreaming big
going to be writing lists for Christmas shopping
excited about having my 2 yr old granddaughter staying next weekend
totally, utterly and so very completely in love with my husband
moving forward
going to paint a robin this week
hoping my blinds will arrive soon
creatively flying high
praying for the health of my family
happy
wanting more art supplies
letting go
believing in miracles
loving Yankee Candles frosted pumpkin
hoping for some dark, grey days this week
going to curl up and read good book (if there are some dark, grey days this week)
still wondering what on earth happened to my camera? where could it have gone?
looking forward to this new week with much joie de vivre

Remember, Remember 5th November

2009-11-05T12:10:00.000Z

Remember, remember the fifth of November

Gunpowder, treason and plot

I see no reason why gunpowder treason

Should ever be forgot

Home Being Me

2009-11-02T18:24:00.000Z

It's where I'm happiest. At home. Family. I'm slowly beginning to accept that it's ok to be like this. To be a homemaker. It's ok to love being home. Society tells me that I'm not busy enough. That I should be out working towards a career. Or working. Full stop. Society tells me that I don't have enough friends. More friends. More coffees and chats. Nope. I don't have that in my life and I'm happy. I'm happy being a wife and homemaker. I'm happy being mum to my kids. I'm happy being grandmother. There is no greater joy for me. It's really quite simple.

I'm in a new season. I have been for a while now but fighting to stay in the old season. Only because I felt that's what I should be doing. I'm well aware that one of my character "flaws" is being a "people pleaser". I fear what other people will think. And as such, I know I've made some really silly choices over the years. Putting other people's opinions above my own. Thinking of how people will judge me and making decisions accordingly. Ugh! I think I was scared of the empty nest. People will be expecting me to go out to work now. Pursue a career, maybe?

I'm learning to not worry about what others think. That my choices in life are about me and my family. My absolute nearest and dearest. I know part of the problem for me is that I'm quite a sensitive and caring person. I do care what people think. I can be over sensitive about things for sure. Its time for me now to turn this all around and be balanced about it. Accept that its ok to want and desire being at home. Its ok that I'm not a career woman. That even with an empty nest now, I would still rather be a homemaker than pursuing a career.

I've worried that I was somehow "missing" something. That I didn't have any "get up and go". That I didn't have my father's business acumen. I tried. I thought I could do it but I couldn't. I remember a time when my first husband and I swapped "roles". I went out to work and he stayed home with the children. I was so unhappy. I tried to hide it and be "business like". Career minded. But no. I wanted to be home. It's a choice.

And I'm absolutely well aware of how blessed I am that I don't have to financially go out to work. Of course, that's a choice too. I could go out and make much more money for us. I get that. But I know it's not me. And its not about me not wanting to work. Its not about me being "lazy", as anyone who knows me will testify! ha! It really is about a higher calling on my life. It really is about being who you really need to be. Being the person you were born to be. Just as much as the woman who pursues a career to the enth degree. To be that lawayer. That doctor. That business owner. That photographer. That designer. Whatever it is. Whatever the calling on her life. That's what its about.

The freedom to be the person you know you were born to be.

Art Therapy?

2009-10-29T16:22:00.000Z

I've often heard the term "art therapy" but not really taken much notice of it before now. Never really explored it or given it much thought when I've heard the term used. Until now. These are just my thoughts tumbling onto this page. Nothing I've researched. It could all be utter rubbish. However, I've noticed a change in me since I started the Gut Art workshop. Every time I sit down to draw or paint, my mind becomes flooded with alsorts of memories, hurts, emotional mixed media. Happy, sad, lonely, delighted, wistful, ecstatic, hopeful, dreamy, frustrated, alive, real, deep sadness, grief, and so it goes on. Not every time. Not every emotion.

I feel open and exposed somehow. My humaness seems frail and fragile. I've always wanted to paint. I've always wanted to do something creative. I've always loved being a homemaker and enjoyed making things. Never really looked seriously at painting as a hobby though. Too much to think about. Too much when trying to raise 4 small children. From babies to teenagers. Now that's a huge undertaking. You'd think after doing that, I could take on pretty much anything! ha! And I believe I can. My precious children are in their early twenties. Flown the nest. Now this mummy needs to find a way to fulfil those hopes and dreams of wanting to paint, sculpt and so much more. And she is.

So why then, is it so difficult? Is it this particular workshop? Is it because we're exploring how to find our authentic voices? My authentic voice. What is my groove? What is it that makes anything I create, "me"? Trying to find me in my creations. My style. Its there somewhere? And in all of that, somehow, ghosts and goblins are being exposed and exorcised out of my life. I'm excited. I know this is a good thing. However, it's tough some days. The tears just flow for no reason. Some days I'm just staring at a "blank canvas". Not knowing how to even start. Where will it go? And then there are pages of just paint. Nothing more. Layers of colours and texture. No subject, no meaning, nothing but paint. My paint. My brush strokes. My healing.

Is this art therapy?

Work & Play

2009-10-15T13:34:00.000+01:00

Still can't find my camera. Ugh! I miss it so terribly. Steve has dragged out his very old Fuji Finepix for me so I'm going to use that one for now. We've bought a new card for it and just need some more batteries and then good to go. Been busy working on new products for Christmas/Winter. These will be available at my Daz store in November.

And playing too. Still working on my art journal. A journey to find my authentic voice with the help of Mystele's online art workshop, Gut Art. I'm just learning so much and also going through so many emotions. Art is healing. There's no doubt. Moving forwards and it feels so good. Making connections and having lots of penny dropping moments. Will sort out photos to upload once I've got the camera up and running!

Soul Stretching

2009-10-07T22:42:00.000+01:00

"Not everything you do is going to be a masterpiece, but you get out there and you try and sometimes it really happens. The other times you’re just stretching your soul". Maya Angelou

I stumbled upon the above quote while doing some research for the online art workshop, Gut Art, I'm taking and it just spoke to me so loud and clear, I felt stunned for a minute. I read it again and again. Perfect for me just at this point in time. Yay! Creative freedom. Lots of soul stretching. That's all I'm wanting to do while moving towards the masterpiece!

An Artist at Heart

2009-10-05T01:55:00.000+01:00

So today I've been working on my art journal for the "Gut Art" online workshop I'm taking. Only a couple of days into the workshop and I'm already learning things about myself and my creative expression.

As I was sorting out my various art supplies and organising what I would need, I realised that my water spray mister was broken. Now that might not seem a huge deal but for someone that uses a spray mister alot while working, it's a big deal. Sunday afternoon. Not many, if any shops open. I need a water mister. Can't do without one. I know it.

Improvise. There must be something in the house that can be used as a water mister. Looking around my bedroom, there it was. The absolute perfect water mister. Oh but the bottle was practically brand new and had produt still in it. A bottle of Elle McPherson Body Mist! Luxurious when getting out of the shower or bath! Hmm what can I put it in? Nothing. Couldn't find anything and so without thinking any more of it, I tipped the whole lot in the toilet!!

I cleaned out the bottle. Twice over. And there it was the perfect water mister. Yay! Definitely an artist at heart. When I was telling Steve, I told him it seems I'd rather have art supplies than be beautiful using beauty products... and his answer... awww so sweet... Apparently, I don't need beauty products. I'm beautiful just the way I am! hahaha!

Today

2009-10-01T00:33:00.004+01:00

walking
autumn
candlelight
weight loss

loved
sketching
touched
inspired
domestic bliss
day dreaming
warm
working
cooking
baked
telephone calls
creative
colouring
waiting
sons

It's a New Day

2009-09-28T12:11:00.003+01:00

I love the hope of a new day. A new week. I can put all that has happened in the past couple of weeks behind me.

I'm well again. My body feels healthy again. Well, healthier than before any way. Steve and I are working on getting healthy. We're slowly changing how we eat and exercise. Nothing fanatical. Just keep chipping away at bad habits and replacing them with good ones. More water. More walking. Less processed food. Actually hardly any processed foods. We've been doing as much cooking from scratch as we can. And it feels so deeply satisfying.

No shop bought desserts, cakes etc. Been doing them from scratch too, if we fancy them. It's good. We've been reading labels when we go shopping. Trying our best to avoid over processed foods with lots of additives. And trying to find a good butchers and greengrocers so we can buy organic meat, fruit and veg where possible.

During this time of recuperating, I've been doing more doodling in my sketch pad. I've been drawing little whimsical pictures that I'm now scanning and selling in Dana's online store. They just started out as little doodles but I realised that actually some of them would be neat as card toppers and such like so I asked Dana what she thought about me "packaging" them up and selling them. It's been so therapeutic actually. I love using my caran d'ache water colour pencils. They are so lush... I love painting and seeing how the colours run and blend. Love it. Love it.

It's funny really because although I've always been arty and crafty, in the past years, all my art was created on my computer using digital art/photo editing sofware, Photoshop and Painter. I love my computer and I love creating my photo montages and doing digital art but since I've been with Steve, and I guess, since my children have left home, I've found that I love using more traditional tools. It feels so earthy to me.

Natural. Somehow I get a greater sense of creative freedom. Its giving me more confidence to try new things. I also wonder if its because Steves a fine artist. He has greatly inspired me and is my encourager. I'm feeling like my low self-esteem demons are fleeing at last. My low self-confidence is no more. Creative freedom is part of my every day life. And that has slowly made in-roads to boosting my confidence in myself as an artist and as a person. I have the right to be who I am and not try and mould myself to what I think others want to see or hear.

That's also the wonder of a new day. Each new day brings hope and a chance to start again. Move forward and not look back. Hello new day. Hello new week. I'm ready for what you have in store for me!

Rollercoaster of Emotions

2009-09-20T23:56:00.001+01:00

So much in so little time. I've hit every kind of emotion you can imagine in just a few days. It was surreal. It started off last Sunday with me feeling a little unwell. Nothing major, just a few niggles. In the middle of the night I suspected I had cystitis. By Monday lunchtime I knew I had cystitis and hubby went to get some magic medicine from our friendly pharmicist. Didn't work. I'm getting worried. I had a major school reunion to go to. Not just any school reunion. I went to a private boarding school and these people were like family to me from the ages of 14 - 16 yrs. Important. I needed to get well enough to go at the weekend. I'd not seen most of them since 1980!

So yeah, medicine didn't work. By Wednesday, I'm feeling so ill. Doubled over in pain ill. Crying ill. Temperature high and shivering ill. Just plain rotten. Steve took me to the medical centre and I found out I had a urinary tract infection which had just gone everywhere. Zapped it with antibiotics. After two days I was beginning to feel so much better but incredibly tired. So tired. Still tired.

Woke up Saturday and felt well enough to go to the reunion but big mistake. After a couple of hours I was feeling so weak, tired and in pain. My back especially was just so achy. Like a horrible nagging dull ache feeling. I had to go home. I burst into tears... ugh! I felt upset. Relieved. Sad. Rejected. Just a gamut of emotions coursing through me.

Somewhere in that week I also got news that one of my closest friends Dana aka Jaguarwoman, wanted to do an exclusive business arrangement with me whereby I create scrapbooking kits with her design resources. This came about after she had suffered one copyright and filesharing violation after another. Constantly. Most of the culprits being in the digital scrapbook community. And so she decided she wanted to create the kits herself. Perfect opportunity for me. I love designing the kits, she just wants to create the design resources and so put our heads together and hey presto! Yay! I've always loved her work and she's been like a second mum to me over the past 10 yrs. Wow! What a privelege to be working with her as well. It inspired me so much, I just started doodling in my sketch pad and came up with a load of product ideas.

Oh the absolute joy of just doodling... drawing..colouring...! I know that's where my heart is. Being creative in this way. I love my computer and creating graphics in Photoshop but there's something very deep and meaningful when I create using more traditional tools. It honestly feels my heart with joy. Ok, I know that sounds so lame. I don't really know how else to explain it. It's frustrating sometimes too because I can't always translate from brain to paper. I'm learning though. Retraining my brain. Trying to let go of my insecurities that tell me I can't draw and that I'm wasting my time. That's it. It's just come to me. It's like being a child again. The smell of the crayons and pencils. That feeling of drawing and colouring on fresh paper. Excited about the colours and shapes dancing in front of you!

And somewhere else in that week, my eldest son got mugged. He's ok. A bump on his face and bruised plus his iPhone stolen. So stupid. Wont be much use to the thugs that stole it as his phone service put a stop on it immediately and blah blah. Its not about the phone being stolen. I don't think these kids necessarily want to steal the phones. It's about being violent and bullying. Gang mentality. Ugh! Anyway, my son is safe and well and thats all that matters. It could've been so much worse.

Somewhere else in this week I also signed up to do an online art course. Well, it's more about learning to be happy in your own creative skin. Learning to create in your own style. I'm sure its going to further my hopes and dreams of being more proficient and free to be a creative soul without feeling the constraints of adulthood! ha!

This week, I want to rest. I want to just be. I want to draw and paint. I want to clean the house and read my books. But mainly I just want to be still. No pain. No excitement. Just stillness and peace. We'll see!

Photos soon.

Blech...!!

2009-09-15T22:25:00.000+01:00

I've had a pretty rough few days. Extra bad period and then I got cystitis. Too much information??! Sorry! Its made me feel so unwell. I can't believe how horrible it is. Painful. Uncomfortable. Depressing. Tired.

Will be back in a day or two. I've got a lot to share but just don't feel well enough right now to give the good news justice.

Home is Where the Heart Is

2009-09-11T23:14:00.001+01:00

That really sums up my week.

Being at home. Comforting. Spiritual. Loving. Inspiring. A time of baking, crafting, creating art. Cleaning, tidying. Walks with my beloved. Lunch on the seafront. Healthy food. Good food. Reading. Sleeping. Telephone conversations with my children. My youngest son's been unwell and called us for advice re: medicines so we went shopping and took him some good food, drink and medicine. Time with my second oldest son and his family. They invited us for dinner. Bathing my grandchildren. Getting them ready for bed. Reading a story to my 2yr granddaughter. Enjoying a meal with son and daughter-in-law when the kiddies were all tucked up in bed and then fun playing scrabble. So special.

New haircut. Time with my mum. Sitting in the garden with her and then at the kitchen table. Just talking. Being together. Chatting to my daughter on the phone. Making plans for a "chick flick" night next week and a trip to Hobbycraft. Talking to my eldest son on the phone about his plans for coming home to visit this weekend. I spoke to all my children this week. Yes.

Seeing friends. Talking about painting, art, sculpting. Sharing tales of holidays. Warm embraces. Giving birthday gifts. Oh the joy!

Meeting new online friends. Going deeper with God with them. A new small online fellowship group of like-minded women. All searching. Helping. Encouraging. Praying. For each other. Sharing. Honesty. Humility.

And then today. Being unwell and cared for by my Steve. Lovingly caring for me. Feeling frustrated at not being able to take away my pain. But just holding me. Loving me. Cleaning the kitchen. Doing the dinner. Cleaning the kitchen again.

It doesn't get better than this. Truly. It's been a good week.

Freedom of Self. True to Self.

2009-09-07T10:38:00.003+01:00

I'm wanting to achieve this. It's not a huge deal but it's what I'm feeling. Freedom to express myself without fear. Freedom to just be me. To dream big. Aspire. And inspire. To be healthy, fit and happy without it having an hidden agenda i.e the world tells me I'm too fat (so therefore I have to lose weight). I just want to be healthy. If that means I lose weight (which I am) than that's great. The motivation is about me and my family.

I want to be true to myself about my Faith in Christ. I believe in God. I believe that Jesus is Lord. Saviour. I don't have all the answers. But I know they're there somewhere. I know what I know in my spirit. In my heart and my mind. I want to move forward in that. I'm searching more. I know I have to increase my Faith and not be so self-doubting.

Freedom to creatively express myself. My hopes, dreams and Faith. Who I am. Diane. To draw, paint, sculpt, crochet, cook, bake and be a homemaker. Whatever. It's who I am. Part of that is to create to please too. I want to make people in my life happy. But the creative process and style is about me.

It's time to put aside all the shame. The past is the past. Moving forward and living in the here and now. It's exciting times.

So, Where has the past Three Months gone?

2009-09-01T10:43:00.039+01:00

September 1st. Today. Is it really possible? It's almost shocking to me that time has gone by so fast. And it's not like I haven't lived life to the full over the past 3 months or so. I vowed that I would live life to the full as much as I can. Each and every day. My life has been full that's for sure as the photos will show.

It's been a time of change. Moving house. A new home.

Exciting. Tiring. Exhausting even. Settling down. Settling into new surroundings. Routine. But not being afraid of pushing out the tent pegs. Changing routine. Being flexible. Allowing change in the every day stuff. I'm looking to try some new things in my life now we're in our own home. Now we know that we don't ever have to move again (unless we want to, of course).

I'm looking for more spiritual changes too. Aching for answers. Aching for a freshness of spirit. Not sure how, where or why but I feel it. Searching. My spirit is searching.

It's been a bittersweet time over the past months. The joy of moving house. Making house a home. The joy of my children and their families. Summer sunshine. But also illness. Sadness. Facing up to the fact that my parents need help. They've changed. Through ill-health. It's heart breaking actually.

The generations have changed. My parents just can't do the things they've always done. At one point over the summer, I was completely overwhelmed by the grief of realising how much my parents have changed. How much I am now my parents. Middle aged and needing to help them. I'd do anything for them. Anything.But I realised I just wanted them back how they once were and it wasn't that long ago. It wasn't that long ago that you'd go to their home and Dad would jump up and make a sandwich for us. Or peel some fresh fruit he'd just bought. Pour a nice ice cold drink. Mum would be fussing round in the kitchen or garden. Running around with her youngest grandchild. Not so much now. It's so different. And when did it happen? It's so cruel that it creeps up on you. They're frustration is evident. They're pain and frustration and not being able to do the things they used to. Relying on help. They're proud. It's a delicate balancing act. Helping them in such away that doesn't make them feel powerless.

And then there's the other extreme of age and relationships in my life. Being a grandmother. Watching my two grandchildren grow. That I'm so young at just 45yrs to have grandchildren. That's a blessing. I know how much that's a blessing in my life. I can't even begin to describe the joy. And taking them to my parents. Watching Jorja at 2 yrs old running around chasing fairies and dragons in my parents garden.

It's also been a time of great times. Fun. This Summer. In my parents garden. They had their annual Summer Party. Got caterers in. My sister and I did everything else that was needed. It was a pleasure to do. And I loved that my parents could just relax and not have to think about it at all. But to just enjoy. Enjoying seeing their children. Their grandchildren. Their great-grandchildren. It was a lovely time for us all. Treasured memories.
Steve and I also managed to go on holiday for a couple of weeks. Camping in Cornwall. It was a strange time. Special. Difficult. Sad. Happy. Exciting. Funny. So very funny. We went with my sister and her family, my parents, a family friend, my sister's in-laws, my daughter and her boyfriend as well as my parents. It was during this time that I realised just how ill my parents have become. They'd kept it fairly well hidden. Soldiering on.
In spite of that though, we had a lovely family time. Steve spent time bonding with my sister's husband which was great. We all got on so well and it was a chance for them to really get to know Steve. We had a lot of moments of just madness. So funny. Evenings that went on deep into the night. Drinking Cornish cider; lots of rum. Wearing several layers of clothes to keep warm. And many nights listening to the rain!! Praying that the tents would withstand such Summer down pours!

During these past three months I've also realised how blessed I am in my marriage. Steve. My husband. Friend. Deepest soulmate. I don't say that lightly. It's not a word that can be banded around. It's a way of describing how much he means to me. "I love you" just doesn't seem enough some days. And yet I don't know what else to say to him. I tell him that it's not enough. He feels it too. Just out of the blue he'll suddenly take hold of my face in his hands and look right at me and tell me that he's so in love with me... and then he'll say it doesn't come close to how he feels but doesn't know what else to say.

How can it be? How can you love another human (unrelated) like that so much? What is it that brings that kind of love into your life? And how does that love grow stronger every day. I thought I loved him alot when finally admitted our feelings to each other 3 yrs ago. But no. That's nothing to what it's like today. The foundation of our love is a deep friendship. It's laughter. He makes me laugh every day. Every. Single. Day. I smile. He makes me smile. It's trust. I trust him. Implicitly. Emotional support. Protection. I feel protected. Safe. Yes. Safe.

He sees me through my dark moments. When my self esteem takes a huge nose dive and I fill my mind with self loathing and feel frustrated at my own inability to "snap out of it". He's gentle and kind. He talks to me. He listens. He listens as I weep and weep. He's strong and direct. He sets me straight back on the right path. There are so many little things that when you add them all up, it makes a soulmate.

And so that has been the past few months. A joy for sure. It's gone by so fast. I'm now looking forward to this new season in my life.

Back Again

2009-08-19T15:21:00.000+01:00

Will update in the next week... just happy to be all moved into our new home and sorted out the internet. It's been awhile and a lot has happened. Hope everyone's having a great summer ;)

Hiatus

2009-05-15T21:58:00.002+01:00

Taking a little break for a few weeks or so due to moving house soon!

Digital Scrapbook Creations

2009-05-08T19:02:00.002+01:00

After lots of thought, prayer and conversations I've taken the decision to close my online store. And it feels so good. I need more time for my family and really - money isn't everything! ha! I'm grateful for my husband and blessed so much that he works so hard for us both that I don't need to work. I need to look after our home. I need to be there for my kids and grandchildren. I need to be able to help my parents, sister and brother. I need to be there for my friends. That's what I need to do in my life at this point in time.

Family, Moving and Stuff

2009-05-08T18:41:00.001+01:00

So much happening right now. Still not moved yet. Hopefully in the next few weeks. Got a lot of family birthdays and celebrations this month as well as sorting out, packing and get ready to move.

May

2009-05-02T00:03:00.002+01:00

So May is here already? May Bank Holiday on Monday and another Bank Holiday at the end of May! Brilliant. Praying that we get a completion date for our new house in the next couple of weeks. We would really love to be in by end of May!

Homemade Home

2009-04-26T09:44:00.002+01:00

I've been watching Channel 4's "Kirstie's Homemade Home" the past couple of weeks and am inspired and motivated to create a "homemade home" in our new house. It's so refreshing to see an "interior design" programme that says it's ok to break the rules. It's about what you like and what you want for your home and how it works for you and your family. I love the idea of making things for my home whether it's curtains, cushions, stained glass light catchers or even a candle. It's personal. And buying old furniture that's rubbish to someone else but perfect for you. Love it!

Things are changing for me again. All for the good. This house we're buying is much more than simply buying a new house. It's about creating our first home together. It's about the long term and having our family surrounding us. It's about setting down roots. And as such the interior design has to be about all those things. About us. Fortunately Steve and I have very similar tastes so there won't be any long discussions about colour or style. We love the same things.

I've started a scrapbook and mood board for each room. Adding ideas, photos, pictures, swatches, and much more as and when we come across something we want for our home. I've always loved all the "style and home" programmes on TV but "Kirstie's Homemade Home" is the first one that has inspired me so deeply. I think it's the "hands on" crafting she does that hits the right note with me. I love getting hands on. I've made curtains, cushion covers, bed spreads...etc... etc. all before and it's very rewarding. I also love the idea of being "thrifty" while creating a home. Even more personal to us. So yes, I'm looking forward to moving in and getting our my sewing machine, paint brushes, crochet hooks and getting stuck in. Making a homemade home.

Garden of England in Spring

2009-04-14T18:19:00.013+01:00

We had a wonderful Easter with lots of quality family time, food, chocolate and beautiful Spring sunshine.

Today we took time out and decided to go for an impromptu drive into the country. Well actually we had to go to the accountants and took the scenic route home. We decided there and then that we wouldn't rush home but instead take some very much needed time to just be together. And so glad we did. The weather was beautiful and we stopped off a couple of times to take photos and just enjoy the English countryside and each othere's company.Ever since Steve and I met, we've talked time and again about where we wanted to settle down together. It's been difficult as I really feel the need to be near my children and grandchildren. We moved back here (my hometown) back in October more out of the need to be near my parents and especially my Dad who's got cancer. The longer we've been here though the more we've been feeling that this is our hometown.

This is where we're supposed to be. And to confirm that, we committed ourselves to buying our first home together. Today, as we drove through the Kent countryside, we knew more than ever that this is home. Finally. It felt right. It was good to suddenly realise we're exactly where we need to be.

Easter Blessings

2009-04-09T16:37:00.003+01:00

Update: our new house purchase is going along slowly but surely. Please continue to pray for all the mortgage process and God's perfect timing!

We're looking forward to a weekend of Easter celebrations including seeing my son leading praise and worship songs in their town centre on Good Friday. And then my sister and I are organising an Easter Egg Hunt at my parents on Easter Monday for the little ones in the family although I'm fairly certaing some of the bigger ones will be joining in too.Hope everyone has a blessed Easter!

Bedside Reading

2009-04-02T12:58:00.002+01:00

A Sudden Thought

2009-03-31T14:08:00.003+01:00

Thinking about why this new house move is so important to me, I realised its because of my need for security. Living in rented accommodation over the past 3 yrs has been ok but I'm finding that I need to create a home that's ours. A home where I know I can hang our art and photos on the walls. A home where I can decorate and know it's not a waste of money (don't have to move in 6 months or so). A home to really be home. Ours. Starting anew. Don't have to worry about being forced to move on in a few months or a year.

I want to create a space where I can do my art and craft again knowing I don't have to pack it all up soon. So much more but you get the picture.

Yes, that's why I feel this need to move and buy that little house so keenly.

Moments of Spring

2009-03-31T09:42:00.002+01:00

I love the Seasons. Each one brings with it something new and special. Right now, I love the warm sunshine and the cool breezes of a Spring day. Seeing all the buds on the trees and flowers rising up to the sun. It's so pretty. And the longer days. Not getting dark until much later now. I love it.

Steve and I are working a lot. Well, he's working and I'm helping him as much as I can. We desperately need funds to come in to secure this house we want to buy. So please pray it all pans out. I'm learning to be more faithful and let "things" go. I can't control the situation even though I want to. I'm scared of having my heart broken or having to live here longer than necessary. We both now have our hearts set on that little house. I'm praying that money will in on time and will be just the right amount. Faith. Letting go.

These Spring days help when going through something exciting but also stressful. How can it be so exciting - buying a house but also feel stress levels rising? Oh well. I guess it's the uncertainty and being at the mercy of other people. Letting go. I have to just let it go.

Walks in the sunshing help and bring inspiration back into our lives on a daily basis. Fresh air and exercise. It's invigorating and calms the soul.

Being Me

2009-03-23T11:00:00.008Z

I know I say this all the time. Alot. I have to say it again: where does the time go? My days are full, blessed and rich. We're hoping to make some big changes in the next 2 to 3 months. More on that soon. In the meantime, please pray for our finances (getting a mortgage in this current economic climate won't be easy) and think of us as we make important decisions.

I've been thinking more and more about who I am and my role in life. Since my children have grown up and fled the nest, I've struggled with who I am. What am I supposed to be doing? A lot of things have changed in my life and in essence, I'm having to start again. Good thing. I'm blessed with a good husband. Someone who not only loves me passionately, adores me and supports me but he also wants the best for me. So why do I have these inner struggles?
Struggles about work. About going out to work. In my heart, I just want to be a homemaker. I want to be a wife, mum and grandmum. I want to be a daughter, sister and aunt. I am all those things but I want to continue to fully embrace those roles and not feel guilty. That I should somehow be outside the home working? Especially since my kids have flown the nest. I should be a career woman and do a 9-5 job. I don't want to. There I said it. I do work. At home. Mainly helping Steve with his work. Nothing grand. Nothing to shout about. I enjoy what I do. I know I'm truly blessed that Steve earns enough that I don't have to work if I don't want to. What I do earn is a bit of pin money (under the tax threshold) for my own treats which includes spending on my grandchildren!

So why the struggle? I feel that I'm somehow letting "women" down if I admit that I love being a homemaker. I feel this pressure to be out in the workplace. What is that pressure? Is it somehow imagined or is it real? I remember so well being a little girl and dreaming of growing up and having babies. That's what I wanted to do. And I did. Now they're having babies of their own, I don't know what to do.

My days are full. In between looking after my home, husband and working, there's visiting my parents, helping out when they need it, seeing my kids and grandchildren as well as friends and generally being me. And I'm happy being me. I just have to somehow convince myself that my life is ok. That I don't have to go out to work if I don't want to. To somehow fulfil a misplaced call on my life to do the modern women's thing and be everything to everyone.I love to be creative. I love to paint, draw and work on my computer. It's a wonderful creative outlet but I've realised recently that it was becoming a chore. I felt the pressure that if those hours I spent creating didn't result in hardcore sales, then it was wasted. I kept thinking to myself that I have to justify those hours spent being creative by making a career out of it. But I don't want a career being a digital painter, creating art or teaching art or selling my hand made wares. If I make the odd sale, that's exciting and a little bit of pin money to buy more supplies.

Why have I put myself under so much pressure to the point of frustration and tears? I want to enjoy what I do. I want to have time to look after my grandchildren when I'm needed. Or just to look after them for fun. I want to be able to sit with my mum in her back garden and not feel guilty. That that time should be spent working. I want to go and visit my sister and her little girls and just sit together and put the world to right like sisters do. I love washing clothes and sorting out cupboards. Cleaning my house. Making cups of tea for Steve while his working. I love the smell of the washing as I pull it from the washing machine. I love being a homemaker. And in the end, I honestly think and believe that's who I am. Who I am supposed to be. It's enough and I'm going to work hard to accept this role. To grow with it as it changes over the years. To be me. I'm not anyone else. I'm Diane. And I want to be me. Warts and all.

One Step at a Time

2009-03-16T00:11:00.000Z

Things are changing. Again. Lots to talk about but not right now. Please think of us and pray as we make some life changing decisions. All good stuff!

Noah David Smith

2009-03-05T13:02:00.005Z

My new grandson, Noah David born Tuesday 3rd March 2009 weighing in at 9.5lbs and I was there! Yay!I felt honoured and priveleged to be asked by my son and his wife to be with them as she went through labour and birth. It was so exciting to be there. I loved it. My daughter-in-law was incredible. I'm so proud of her. So proud of them both. A wonderful couple and fantastic parents.
It was an extraordinary night. She did so well. She's very small and Noah's a big baby and yet she gave birth without any intervention. Also helped that she had a midwife that totally believed in her and encouraged her to "hang in" there. There was an obstetrician "hovering" who wanted to intervene but fortunately Noah was born before she had a chance! ha!
He's a beautiful, healthy little boy and much loved by us all not least of all his excited mum, dad and big sister!
I know how incredibly blessed I am to have been with them during such a personal and special time! What a deep joy. Something I'll never forget.

Moments Moving On

2009-02-27T01:05:00.002Z

So fast. Time moving so fast. I'm spending my days working between new products for my online store. Card making. Yep. Card making. I've been creating a new printable range of patterns and embellishments and needed to get them all printed up so I can "test" them and get some cards made. Will show photos soon. I've also been helping out with my family as and when I'm needed. Including babysitting my niece and granddaughter.

What else? Oh yeah. More exercise. Losing weight. Yay! Talking and planning our next step re: moving home next year. Buying or renting? Reading. Lots of home and country magazines. Art and design. Crafting. And I've been meeting up with my college friend brainstorming new greeting card designs. So much. All good. Keeping my head above water. Working through issues. Staying positive. Focused. Hopeful. Mustard seed Faith. Faith nonetheless.

Feeling of Spring

2009-02-22T10:57:00.003Z

I know there's a wee while to go yet before Spring but right now it feels so lovely outside. It smells like Spring is around the corner. Little bulbs are peeking through the earth and the air feels warmer and fresher somehow. I'm inspired. I need to go create pretty spring graphics on my computer.

Happy Sunday!
x

Times Like These

2009-02-20T08:27:00.002Z

These past few days has been a time for friendship, family and creativity. I met up with one of my college friends and we both realised that every time we meet up we get inspired to create and have the most amazing brainstorming sessions. She's a brilliant "ideas" person and multi-media designer. Our styles are different end of the poles ha! But we seem to compliment each other perfectly. And so we've now decided to meet regularly once a fortnight at a local hotel that has a beautiful lounge with inspiring art on the walls. It's quiet and has a good relaxed but business like atmosphere that just makes it perfect for us. Laptops, pads, pens and pencils in hand, we're going to brainstorm and also look at each other's work as well as encourage and push each other forward.

I'm working on more products for my online store including lots more digital craft packs. Papers and embellishments that can be printed out for scrapbooking and card making. Digital products that are perfect for traditional application. Each day as I work I do wonder if I'm mad. We're in a recession. The world's in a recession. Why on earth would anyone part with their well earned cash to buy my products? And then as I think about it I realise why they do part with their cash. The same reason I do. The same reason I buy craft products. Creativity. Joy. Relaxation. Escapism. Making pretty things. Making things to give away. Making things to preserve memories. It's joy in a moment of world madness.

Steve and I have talked about this often in the past couple of months. Our sales remain the same as they've always been. There's not been any downturn and we've been wondering why. We're grateful and feel incredibly blessed and praying that they remain bouyant!! We think it maybe the fact that most people still have a need to create and even more so in times of stress and upset. Such as the world is right now. It touches us all. You only have to watch the news each day. It's depressing. I know, as I sit at my computer working up a storm, creating, working it helps. My soul feels renewed and refreshed when I create. Just the same if I'm in my craft room painting, sewing or whatever else. It's at the heart of who I am and as such is a positive thing to do. It is escapism but not in a "bury your head in the sand" kinda way. It's a refresh your soul to cope with another day escapism.

And I'm sure I'm not the only one that feels like that. No matter what you do to create. My husband is a 3d digital content designer. His customers use his products to create animations and art. Some are professionals, other are hobbyists. Either way, that's what they love to do. It's no different. It's being inspired and creative. And sometimes even in times like these, we part with our well earned cash to buy that "can't do without at this point in time" product. Something that sparks our imagination or inspires us forward to something ne

I get moments every day when a niggling feeling of fear, doubt and worry try in invade my being. (And sometimes they succeed!!) I know it's because of the unsure world we live in. It's because my family are suffering with serious illness. These are the moments that I work extra hard to guard my heart and delve deeper into my work. My creativity. To be able to express myself through my work is a joy. Truly I'm blessed in that. And I know in times like these it's saved me more than once or twice.

Today we're going out for the day. Just to drive through the Kent countryside. We're also going to visit our little granddaughter and have a nice pub lunch somewhere. Time out. Time out to get refreshed together. It's a different kind of need for refreshing and has the same result. We come back home excited and fired up about work and each other!!

Where's It Gone?

2009-02-11T00:00:00.003Z

Another week has disappeared. I don't know where it's gone. I do know that I've not stopped for more than 5 mins. I've worked very hard on my digital scrapbooking store, creating new products and generally doing behind the scenes admin. Oh and I've spent some precious time with my granddaughter, my kids, my sister and parents. What else? Oh yes, my man. Time with my Steve. Much needed time. Even though it's stolen moments, it's time well spent. So all in all a crazy week. And another one coming up.

Photo art (digital scrapbook page) created using a new kit that I've just finished putting together!

I'm happy. In spite of so much emotional wreckage that I'm still dealing with, I'm happy. Moving forward. Heading towards the goals. Guarding my heart. Being me. Loving each day. I'm excited. I've even started outline concept for a book as well as lots of new ideas for my online store. Nothing concrete. All creative. All good. Oh yeah, and I'm losing weight. At last. Working hard on eating healthily and getting more exercise and it's paying off.

Snow Day

2009-02-03T00:24:00.009Z

Got some snow. Yay! Lots of political hooha about how pathetic we are as a country that everything grinds to a halt because we (the UK) get a few inches of snow. It's somewhat true. London was a practical standstill today. However, I just wanted to enjoy the "snow day"! It was good for the soul. It was good exercise. It was good fun and precious moments with my family. Need to go back to work tomorrow. No excuses for me. Working from home actually does mean you can't have an official snow day! ha!

Improvement

2009-01-31T09:29:00.002Z

So much more settled and happy today. Walking was good. It gets rid of pent up energy. I also cleaned the house up and down and that made me feel great. Thank you my dearest friends for your love, support and prayers. And so many words of wisdom. Mystele reminded me to "guard my heart". It's so important and so easy to forget when you're feeling rotten and that's exactly when you need to do it.

Today is full on. Got up early. Going to lunch with my son and his family and then working all afternoon. I'm helping Steve to do some new 3d products. And tonight, I'm going to snuggle down and do some crafting. I really want to finish those fabric journals I started. Yay!

More Friday Ramblings

2009-01-30T09:54:00.003Z

This cold grabbed me hard and fast and so I've been out of it for a few days now. Well, not completely. I've managed to do some doodling and am still working on digital scrapbooking products for my online store.

I can't seem to get comfortable either. Everything is annoying me lately. No matter what I do. I think it's my emotional state as well as generally feeling run down. I don't know what to do first when there's so much to do. Tidy my house. Go for a walk. Have a shower. Do some work. Help Steve with some work. Do some drawing. Do some crafting. Tidy up. Did I say that already? I do need to tidy the house. Ugh! But I don't feel like doing any of it. My frustration level is so high. I want to explode. And it's not even PMT. Ha! I wish it was because then I'd know it was ok.

One thing's for sure, I really hope that it snows like they've forecast. It's due to snow late Sunday and early next week. I love the snow and I know that will boost my mood. For now though, I think I'm going to burn off some energy. Do some housework and then go for a long walk. I think exercise is key to feeling better when I'm like this. x

Days Gone By

2009-01-25T13:08:00.009Z

These past days have gone by so quickly and I've spent them wisely! Just really feeling that each day is precious and doing my best to make the most of every day. Ha!

Anyway, these past few days have been spent mainly with family. Helping my parents. My mum's unwell and Dad's undergoing chemotherapy. He's doing very well and so far the side effects are not too horrific but we've been told it's "early days". Hey ho! I just want to say here and right in this second how much I love my mum and dad. How grateful I am for the wonderful childhood they gave me. How grateful I am that they just love me no matter what. I love you mum and dad! Not sure where that came from but had to say it.

I also babysat my nieces. We had fun doing some bits of art and craft at the table. My 10 yr old niece has a beautiful fashion kit for designing clothes so we had fun with that and her 2yr old sister was just content colouring and cutting out using (safety) shape scissors.And then last night was my daughter-in-law's baby shower. Baby Noah is due to make his prescence in about 4 weeks time. Yay! Can't wait.Oh and spent some much needed time with my daughter, Jenni. She surprised me with a little present - she bought me a lovely cd by Martina McBride and so just copying that to my iPod. Lots of good music to listen to while resting this afternoon. I've woken up with a rotten head cold. I'm fighting it because I need to be able to spend time with my Dad and he's immune systen is shot which he can't be exposed to infections. Praying this is just a silly cold and will go soon.