My Story

For just over 20 yrs I was blessed to be doing what I had always wanted to do. I was a housewife and Mum to four beautiful kids. As a little girl I loved playing with my dolls. Playing family.  Playing house.  I knew I would, one day, love being a real Mummy. And then, before I knew it, at 19yrs, I was married and within months I'd had my first baby.  I was so young and so happy.  I then had three more babies in quick succession, including twins!  I had 4 babies aged 3yrs and under!

And as happy as I was, loving my babies, being their Mummy, there were days of utter despair. Post natal depression. A failing marriage. More often than not, I was tired. Exhausted. Yes, even doing what you love isn’t always a bed of roses. But the days of bliss, of pure joy being a Mummy to those beautiful children, far outweighed any of the normal bad days that all Mums face.

And then in a blink of an eye, my eldest left for university. I remember sitting at my desk watching him packing his stuff in the car and I silently stood up, closed the door, rested my head in my arms and cried my heart out. I knew it was the beginning of a new era for me. For him. He was so happy. I also knew his siblings would be following him out that door within a very short space of time. I was facing an empty nest. A marriage that was still failing. What was I going to do? Over the following months and into a couple of years I started to make some huge changes to my life.

During the years that my children were little, I’d been given a computer, some software and taught myself to become a web graphics designer. My beloved father had initially got me interested in the internet back in 1994. He and his (then) business partner had just set up the UK’s first Internet Café in Whitfield St., in London. They were also setting up one of the UK’s first internet providers, Easynet. As such, Dad had wanted to me to learn html and how to create web graphics as they needed help setting up various web pages. It was “on the spot learning as you go” work. I loved it. And my love for this new found art and creative outlet just evolved. I wasn’t earning much money. It was more of a hobby with pin money thrown in.

My family was still growing. I was a full time Mum. Little did I know though, that my creative outlet would lead me to a new and wonderful bliss. I’d always been crafty and loved art. Both my parents were artists. My Mum was a published poet and Dad had always painted when we were younger. When I was a little girl my grandmother taught me to crochet. And my Mum spent hours making things for my Sindy doll. From cereal boxes, egg boxes, bits of fabric and odd bits of wool, beautiful accessories would be created. My best birthday and Christmas presents were always the ones that meant I could make something or draw or paint. So using a computer, to me, was just another tool in my creative outlet toolbox along with my sketch books, pens, paints and wool!

After my eldest left home, I went to art school. I started a degree in multi-media design. The creative environment was incredible. I just absorbed it all. I made new friends. I soaked up every lecture in art history, my favourite subject. However, during this time my emotional state took a battering as my 20yr marriage really broke down and I decided to leave. My ex-husband and I spent a couple of years trying to work things out but in the end we both wanted such hugely different things. We parted. It was traumatic. Divorce is horrible even when you want it. Years later, though, we are good friends and we stay in touch. It’s been good for our children (and grandchildren).

Not long after my marriage ended, I’d left my degree course and started working on setting up as a freelance digital artist. I initially worked as a 2d texture artist creating textures for 3d models for a company in USA, Daz3D. During this time I did some collaboration work with other 3d and 2d artists. And then out of the blue, I found myself falling in love with one of them. We had done some work together and just developed a friendship online through work. He lived in the north east (UK) and I was in the south east. To cut a long story short, we met up, moved in together and were married 6 months later. We live and work together 24/7. We just hit it off. Everything just worked. And we believe our deep and passionate love for all things creative and arty was a sure foundation to build a relationship on.

We needed that sure foundation as the following few years proved horribly tragic for me. Within the space of 2 years both my parents got sick and died of cancer. I also lost a beloved aunt during that time. Their deaths were all sudden and unexpected. Grief consumed me. Slowly though with much love, support and some grief counselling I came through the other side. Changed. More determined to live in the moment. To dream big. To not settle for less. My Dad ran his own business. He was a good man with much wisdom. My Mum believed in happy. She collected those yellow smiley faces. I came from great parents. Their legacy was strong and I knew they would want me, my brother and sister and our families, to be happy. And to truly live our lives. To be fully immersed.

In 2011 hubby and I set up our own digital art company and decided to develop our own individual brands. Talking shop is no chore for us. We understand the jargon. We love critiquing each other’s work. Steve is a traditional artist with a God given talent for drawing and painting. He is also a professional photographer and 3d modeller and artist, whereas, I come from a more crafty, “hobby into a business” kind of background. It works so well. Brainstorming new ideas for products or art has often led us into the wee small hours! We have a lot of amazing creative energy between us. He understands my passion and love for what I do and I understand the same in him!

Family is still a huge joy in my life. They are at the core of the why I do what I do. I’m inspired by them. At the end of the day, ultimately what we do is for those we leave behind. A legacy of love. I believe there will be a day when my children and grandchildren will go through my art, my creations and see me. Understand me. They will also see themselves in what I create.

After what has been an interesting and sometimes hugely traumatic few years, I’ve settled into a life of doing what I love. No matter what life throws up at you, I’ve learned to just push forward. Hold onto the dream. Continue you to take steps on the journey. Suddenly you will realise you are living the life you want. Don’t be scared of change. As I continue to build my brand, my business, I still fight past demons that tell me I’m not good enough, I’m not strong enough or what I do is rubbish.

Those days get less and less as I continue to push forward. Stop thinking about it and just do it! I just keep creating. I surround myself with positive words, art and photos. And then there’s the ultimate motivation – when a customer buys a product from us; emails us to show us what they’ve created; or thanks us for an article or tutorial. That tells me I’m in the right place, doing the right thing.

Tell me your story!  Leave a comment and a link to your story.

Fanning the Flames

Sometimes we just need a bit of motivation.  A little kick up the bum.  Something to inspire us.  I know I do.  More so recently.  I'm fairly certain grief plays alsorts of tricks on your mind and affects our emotions in many ways.  It's getting easier.  Every day is better.  My confidence in who I am and what I'm doing is growing each day.  But it doesn't hurt to have a bit of a push.

I've always struggled with a lack of self-confidence.  I think it stems from getting married really young and having kids almost immediately.  Listening to media (at the time - I'm talking almost 30 yrs ago now), that I wasn't "enough" just being a Mum at home with my kids.  Yes, I had a couple of part-time jobs to supplement our income but I never had a career per se.

Me.  Just turned 20yrs. My eldest child, Daniel.  Bliss.

Truth be told, I was blissfully happy at home with my babies.  During those years I pursued my love of colour, art and design through fulfilling hobbies.  I loved my crochet.  Sketching in my notepads or any scrap of paper that was around - it was a crazy household.  Web graphic design on my computer.  Books and books and magazines about Photoshop, art, graphic design.  I absorbed them all.  I had four kids aged 3 and under!  Including newborn twins.  Yes, it was crazy.  Busy.  Tiring.  Blissful. Depressing.  I envied those mums that seemed to juggle career and family.  I just couldn't do it.  Funny thing is, I never really wanted to.  I just had that feeling that I was "supposed" to.

I had many down days.  I lost sight of me.  And now, when I look back, I actually think that was ok.  I was ok.  I still kept hold of my loves and passions even if they were just grabbed moments.  It got easier as they got older.  I was happy to be Mummy.  That time goes by so quickly.

My beautiful children.  Grown up.  This was taken in 2008.

Fast forward to today.  My eldest is now 28yrs old.  My second son is 26yrs old.  My twins are almost 25yrs.  I went to art school as a mature student.  I've been divorced.  Remarried.  Moved away.  Moved back.  Lost both my parents.  And everything in between.  Its been a journey, for sure.

I'm excited about my life right now.  My art.  My designs.  My passions.  My confidence is growing.  I'm learning that it was ok to be a stay at home Mum.  When I look at my children now, as grown adults and all that they are... all that they are achieving, I know I did the right thing.  I know it was right for us as a family for me to be at home with them.  My ex and I are incredibly proud of them.  So now, it's time for me.  To let go of those insecurities and go with my passion.

I'm reading an excellent book by Danielle LaPorte, "The Firestarter Sessions" which I'm finding so helpful, insightful and downright inspiring.  Talk about getting motivated.  Its another little push for me, in the right direction.

I first came across Danielle via her initial online e-course of the same name as her book, early last year.  That was awesome enough.  I had a notebook full of my "to do" and "what to do next" lists.  Ideas, plans.  At the time I was dealing with the loss of my Dad and then Mum got sick and so I was all over the place.  It was all in the back of my mind though.  I knew I'd be reaching deep again once I got through the trauma of that time.

So when I saw she was releasing her book by the same name, I was curious.  A little worried that it would be too much like the e-course and I didn't really want to spend money again.  Having read a couple of reviews, I didn't think twice and bought it for my Kindle - I love the gratificaction of instant download!

I'm about half way through.  I love her energy, love and passion.  It's infectious. Learning that it's ok to go with your passion.  And it's now always about what you can do but what you love to do.  Yes, it's been a great dose of motivation and flame fanning!


I thorougly recommend it.  Oh and it's not just about business.  It's a blueprint for living your life soulfully and with passion.

Celebrating 5yrs of Marriage!

I just celebrated my 5th wedding anniversary with the love of my life!  Yes, I know.  It sounds corny.  However, it is what it is and it's true.  Steve is the love of my life.  Its been an interesting and challenging 5yrs.  We've faced some fairly difficult times.  Difficulties from both sides of our families.  From losing both my parents to cancer, to the joys of grandchildren and Steve suddenly becoming stepdad to my four grown up kids.  It's all been a rollercoaster ride of emotions.

 Family mean everything to me.  My children, their partners, my grandchildren.  My beloved parents.  My sister and her family, my brother.  And Steve has embraced it all.  Was welcomed into the family fully and unconditionally.  I'm sure it must've been so overwhelming at some points but he just took it in his stride.  I'll forever be grateful to him for that alone.

For us, the difficulties and challenges have just made our relationship deeper, stronger.  He's my closest confidente and friend.  He's been my encourager.  My mentor and cheerleader.  I've been up and down like a yo-yo.  Back and forth.  Uunsure of myself.  Heartbroken.  Grief stricken.  And to the other extreme of emotion, celebrating the births of my grandchildren.

In the midst of all that, we decided to set up our own business.  We met through our mutual love of art, design and graphics.  We worked together before we met.  It seemed the natural thing to do.  To continue to work together and run our own digital art company.  I don't know how we managed to do it, but we did.  And we've just celebrated our first yr in business with a nice profit.  Something we're very proud of considering this economic depression.

So yes, we're together 24/7.  We love our life together.  Oh and we don't argue.  We've never argued.  Just the way it is for us.  I almost get embarrassed about admitting that to people.  It's true.  We discuss.  We debate.  We always laugh together.  But haven't ever had a cross word.  We're very similar in personality and I believe that makes the difference.  We love the same things and are passionate about our time together.  I don't really understand it or question it.  I just go with it.

I would say laughter together is so important.  And talking.  Oh boy, do we love to talk.  We've often chatted into the very wee hours and then again into the mid-afternoon.  We have great brain-storming sessions.  We inspire each other. Oh I know it all sounds too good to be true.  It's not.  It's two people that met and were clearly meant to be together.  It's marriage at it's best.  It's, to me, how marriage should be.

Snapshots from My Week

a heart in sunlight on my office floor

Whitstable - i used to live here - love this place

yummy texture

 

love having coffee with my daughter

 

beautiful Spring daffs outside village church

fresh veggies from local farm shop

me - this is a moment of me facing the real me - feeling tired, exhausted most of the time since my Dad died

another self portrait - as I am most days at the moment - no make-up and actually ok with that

working on a new collage - scanned this in "as is" and used it to create a digital paper

Embracing Change

Life looks so different to me lately.  It's honestly almost unrecognisable.  I fought it for so long.  Change.  I used to scream with frustration, "I just want my life back".  So much has happened and continues to happen since my Dad died.  It isn't just that he died.  It's the chain reaction that has death caused.  I'm fascinated by it, somehow.  That so much can change just from the death of one person.

Of course, I'm still in the deep throes of grief.  That in itself is a big change in my life.  I see it every time I look in the mirror.  Grief is etched deeply into my face.  I know what it looks like.

Instead of fighting it, fighting the changes in my life, I decided to embrace them.  Grief is part of life.  It's not nice but it's there.  And you have to go through it.  So go through it I am.  I accept that my life has changed forever.  Through grief counselling, reading and other resources, I'm slowly embracing the changes.

Trying to live a balanced, imperfect but altoghether, authentic life.  Doing what I love to do.  Being there for my family, friends.  Saying "no" when I need to.  Being brave.  I don't say that lightly.  It sounds corny, I guess.  But it's not meant to be.  I'm not brave, normally.  It was about time that I made changes to my life anyway.  I just never had the courage.  I kept procrastinating.  Putting my dreams and goals on permanent hold.  That's why I had the same dreams and goals every New Year! ha!  I was scared of my own dreams.

The irony is that my Dad was my biggest fan (until I met and married Steve!).  Dad was always encouraging me to "do what you love to do".  Set up your own business.  Do whatever it is that you want to do.  You can ahcieve the impossible.  Dream big.  Imagine yourself in that life.  These were just some of Dad's mantras.  Some of what he would tell me.  I was still scared.  And yet, since his death, I found courage.  I've realised the importance of being authentic.  Dreaming big.  And embracing change.

At the Moment

organising
inspired
journey
grateful
installing
decorating
learning
exhausted
loving
relieved
playing
faithful
reaching