Sunday, 13 January 2008

Just Me

So I decided that this year I wanted to take part in some kind of daily challenge with the view that it would help me post to my blog everyday. I love to blog but I'm not the most organised of people (although hubby will tell you different) and time just disappears and lo and behold, I didn't blog.

Anyway, so I decided to go for HS|MS but what I didn't realise was that they do a "self portrait saturday" thing. Great! Self portraits. Too hard. Don't like me very much. Have low self esteem. Although it is getting better since marrying Steve.

Long story cut short for those of you that don't me - I was married previously to my "childhood sweetheart" for 20 odd years. We had four children - all now grown up in their early twenties. As my kids grew up, I realised I wasn't happy in my marriage. Could never really put a finger on why. Just felt cut off from my husband. Not the most communicative of people. Oh and anyway I wasn't happy so decided to talk to him about it with a view of fixing it and "starting fresh". But he had other plans. He told me that he was transgendered. He wants to be a woman. He is a woman trapped in a man's body.

Long story. Too much to go into. But one of the results of that was it impacted me as a woman. I suddenly felt very unattractive; self esteem shot to pieces etc... lots of stuff going on with me really. And then I met my Steve. I'd worked with him online. We were good friends for about a year or two and then just met and the rest is history. We've been married for almost a year.

He's been good for me. He is good for me. He's a real man's man. I love men to be men. I like being the "weaker" sex. I like being a woman with a man who's strong but also gentle and kind. Do you know what I mean?

So yeah. Me. After having four kids in 3 yrs (last pregnancy was twins) at just 20 yrs old, I'm now 44yrs old and for the first time in my life, discovering what it's like to be a woman. Being just me. Diane. Who's Diane? Never had a career. Just looked after and brought up my wonderful, beautiful kids! Time for me.

My life is so different now. Just me and Steve. We work together and are together more or less 24/7. I know. Lots of you couldn't stand that but it works for us. It works for me.

He's an artist and graphic designer. He has supported me in my pursuit of wanting to also be an artist/graphic designer. Something I dabbled with for many years just as a hobby. I've always been a crafter..always done something with my hands. And then my Dad gave me a computer when my kids were quite young to help him do some work. Bit of extra pin money. Well, I totally got into computers and the internet way back in 1994 and loved creating computer art.

Self taught digital artist here.

Back to self portraits. No. I don't think so. Yesterday was crazy busy so I didn't have a chance to really get to blog or do a photo. It gave a chance to think further about it and suddenly realised it might be a good thing. Start doing self portraits. Learn to accept me more. And then I thought more. How about a photo of "just me". First thing in the morning. No lotions and potions. No brushed hair. No make-up. No posing. Just me.

Well truth be told. It's quite scary. Scary photo. Scary experience. But necessary. It feels like that's a good place to begin. The beginning. The plain truth. This is me. 44 yrs old. Wife. Artist. Crafter. Mother. Grandmother. Daughter. Sister. Aunt. Niece. Friend Yeah. Yeah. You know the stuff.

I have bad skin. Really bad skin. I got very ill 2 yrs ago with anaemia due to a period from hell. Collapsed. Rushed into hospital. Couldn't breathe. Had anaemia. Who knew anaemia could make you so ill? So then I was given a Mirena IUD to control my out of control hellish periods and the side affects is weight gain and acne - not just spots - it's very red and blotchy. Joy. Great joy. So another reason to not like me. I look horrific. But somehow someone loves me anyway. They saw through this shell of mine. And fell in love with me. They saw my heart. Yay!

Anyway, here's the photo. A day late. And for those of you that have read this far - thank you for your patience and for reading. It's actually been a very cathartic experience writing this all down. A good start to this New Year to be doing this.


Rachael said...

Wow you have a had a time of it. Totally sympathise with the aenemia as my husband has it bad and it can make you so ill. Very brave of you to do the photo, I'm not comfortable doing them either. It is a beautiful picture of you and I haven't spotted anything that even slightly resemble horrific. x

SuzyB said...

Welcome to HSMS Di.

You are beautiful, and from what Ive just read, that goes for inside and out xx

maz said...

Ditto everything Rachael said Di. You've been though so much and come through, sparkling. Brave of you to be so open and honest. It is cathartic, this blogging business, and so worth doing. Well done and keep it up...we'll be cheering for you!

Kirsty Wiseman said...

hi di - what a GREAT read - i love how you right. I can't believe you have been through so much. And Steve - what a knight in shining armour.
I love that you played along.... LOVE IT!

Anonymous said...

You go girl... I find it really hard to do my SPS... no self esteem either :D I think you are really brave, but the photo of you above in your layout is stunning so don't be too hard on yourself for this one.

Sarah said...

Horrific? I don't think so, and not old enough to be a grandmother either. You have been through a really really tough time and somehow it sounds like you've come out the other side ... inspiring. x

Bambi said...

oh wow! what a tale you have there. well i'm happy that you're starting to feel better about yourself (^_^) i'm sure we all feel that sometimes but it's good to have someone there beside you, supporting you right? here's wishing you all the best!

jj said...

Well you look beautiful to me mum!! x