Tuesday, 1 September 2009

So, Where has the past Three Months gone?

September 1st. Today. Is it really possible? It's almost shocking to me that time has gone by so fast. And it's not like I haven't lived life to the full over the past 3 months or so. I vowed that I would live life to the full as much as I can. Each and every day. My life has been full that's for sure as the photos will show.

It's been a time of change. Moving house. A new home.

Exciting. Tiring. Exhausting even. Settling down. Settling into new surroundings. Routine. But not being afraid of pushing out the tent pegs. Changing routine. Being flexible. Allowing change in the every day stuff. I'm looking to try some new things in my life now we're in our own home. Now we know that we don't ever have to move again (unless we want to, of course).

I'm looking for more spiritual changes too. Aching for answers. Aching for a freshness of spirit. Not sure how, where or why but I feel it. Searching. My spirit is searching.

It's been a bittersweet time over the past months. The joy of moving house. Making house a home. The joy of my children and their families. Summer sunshine. But also illness. Sadness. Facing up to the fact that my parents need help. They've changed. Through ill-health. It's heart breaking actually.

The generations have changed. My parents just can't do the things they've always done. At one point over the summer, I was completely overwhelmed by the grief of realising how much my parents have changed. How much I am now my parents. Middle aged and needing to help them. I'd do anything for them. Anything.But I realised I just wanted them back how they once were and it wasn't that long ago. It wasn't that long ago that you'd go to their home and Dad would jump up and make a sandwich for us. Or peel some fresh fruit he'd just bought. Pour a nice ice cold drink. Mum would be fussing round in the kitchen or garden. Running around with her youngest grandchild. Not so much now. It's so different. And when did it happen? It's so cruel that it creeps up on you. They're frustration is evident. They're pain and frustration and not being able to do the things they used to. Relying on help. They're proud. It's a delicate balancing act. Helping them in such away that doesn't make them feel powerless.

And then there's the other extreme of age and relationships in my life. Being a grandmother. Watching my two grandchildren grow. That I'm so young at just 45yrs to have grandchildren. That's a blessing. I know how much that's a blessing in my life. I can't even begin to describe the joy. And taking them to my parents. Watching Jorja at 2 yrs old running around chasing fairies and dragons in my parents garden.

It's also been a time of great times. Fun. This Summer. In my parents garden. They had their annual Summer Party. Got caterers in. My sister and I did everything else that was needed. It was a pleasure to do. And I loved that my parents could just relax and not have to think about it at all. But to just enjoy. Enjoying seeing their children. Their grandchildren. Their great-grandchildren. It was a lovely time for us all. Treasured memories.
Steve and I also managed to go on holiday for a couple of weeks. Camping in Cornwall. It was a strange time. Special. Difficult. Sad. Happy. Exciting. Funny. So very funny. We went with my sister and her family, my parents, a family friend, my sister's in-laws, my daughter and her boyfriend as well as my parents. It was during this time that I realised just how ill my parents have become. They'd kept it fairly well hidden. Soldiering on.
In spite of that though, we had a lovely family time. Steve spent time bonding with my sister's husband which was great. We all got on so well and it was a chance for them to really get to know Steve. We had a lot of moments of just madness. So funny. Evenings that went on deep into the night. Drinking Cornish cider; lots of rum. Wearing several layers of clothes to keep warm. And many nights listening to the rain!! Praying that the tents would withstand such Summer down pours!

During these past three months I've also realised how blessed I am in my marriage. Steve. My husband. Friend. Deepest soulmate. I don't say that lightly. It's not a word that can be banded around. It's a way of describing how much he means to me. "I love you" just doesn't seem enough some days. And yet I don't know what else to say to him. I tell him that it's not enough. He feels it too. Just out of the blue he'll suddenly take hold of my face in his hands and look right at me and tell me that he's so in love with me... and then he'll say it doesn't come close to how he feels but doesn't know what else to say.

How can it be? How can you love another human (unrelated) like that so much? What is it that brings that kind of love into your life? And how does that love grow stronger every day. I thought I loved him alot when finally admitted our feelings to each other 3 yrs ago. But no. That's nothing to what it's like today. The foundation of our love is a deep friendship. It's laughter. He makes me laugh every day. Every. Single. Day. I smile. He makes me smile. It's trust. I trust him. Implicitly. Emotional support. Protection. I feel protected. Safe. Yes. Safe.

He sees me through my dark moments. When my self esteem takes a huge nose dive and I fill my mind with self loathing and feel frustrated at my own inability to "snap out of it". He's gentle and kind. He talks to me. He listens. He listens as I weep and weep. He's strong and direct. He sets me straight back on the right path. There are so many little things that when you add them all up, it makes a soulmate.

And so that has been the past few months. A joy for sure. It's gone by so fast. I'm now looking forward to this new season in my life.


mystele said...

it's so nice to see where you are now. what a nice home!!!...and the answers that you really need to know will come in due time. until then, you know the Answer. :)

Ursula said...

I'm so glad to see you back, Diane! HUGS! :)

Sarah said...

Hi Again-have just replied to your Ning message! It is lovely to read your update. Your new house looks lovely and those photos of the house with the different skies are beautiful-that is the house isn't it?
It is hard to accept change as people get older isn't it-especially when all our memories are so strong and time passes so quickly. Your family holiday does look great-it is lovely to go away in a group like that and have such funny times.
Last of all-I love your description of your relationship-so beautiful and it is amazing when we find the right person-such a chance really so all the more special.
Thanks for your comment on the wooden headed doll too!

Shalae said...

Hey Di, could you email me. I don't have your email(unless it's still the same?) and something in this post made me want to really talk to you, not just in comments. :) satippetts@gmail.com