Saturday, 5 February 2011

Looking for my Authentic Self

 As I journey onwards & forwards, I realise what I'm searching for is my authentic self.  In all my creative efforts, endeavours, goals and dreams, I'm looking for Diane.   I recently made an impromptu decision to do an online course dealing with personal growth and living "wholeheartedly". Through the various exercises, without realising it at the time, I now know I've been lost. Lost in the roles of motherhood, daughter, wife, sister, aunt. Lost in looking for myself in all the wrong places. Trying too hard to be something I wasn't meant to be. A people pleaser.

 There is no doubt that my greatest role to date has been Mum to my four beautiful children. And continues to be. Do we ever really stop being parents??!! Alot of that parenting came fairly naturally to me. I didn't think a whole lot about what I should or shouldn't be doing. And thank goodness. I had four children aged 3 yrs and under, at one point. If I had stopped for one minute or more to think about the sheer enormity of that fact, I'm fairly sure I would've somehow drowned in the hugeness of it. There were moments when I thought I couldn't cope. Moments when I lost my temper and yelled at my kids inappropriately. Moments when I thought I'd never survive the experience of bringing up four kids.

I survived. They survived. And I'm so proud of them. They are well rounded, stable, happy and well adjusted young adults. It wasn't just me. They were brought up by the rest of the village too. Their grandparents, my sister, their Dad as well as close friends. All had amazing influences on their lives. Still do.
In all of that time, when my children were young, like so many other women, I didn't feel equipped to stop for one moment and wonder about who I was meant to be. As far as I was concerned, I was meant to be a Mum. And I truly believe that to be a fact for my life. However, as the children headed towards independence, I started to question my life. I started to look inward. I realised I had dreams and goals. I knew I wanted to do something creative. To creatively express myself. But it was a battle.

I was going through a difficult, complex divorce. The reasons of which left me devastated and questioning my very being. As a woman. As Diane. I had no idea in the midst of all of the trauma and heartache where I was. Who was I, even?

On top of that, I've been battling a weight problem. Complex. Needy. Emotionally eating. Happy. Sad. Joyful. Grief stricken. Excited. Food was the answer. And to some degree, it still is. Getting less and less now as I move towards wholehearted living. I felt trapped in a fat suit. This isn't my authentic self.

Slowly. I'm hearing the whispers of my heart. Of my authentic self. Practising self-compassion. Believing in my goals and dreams. Taking action to see them through. Learning to take care of me and in turn, knowing that will have a positive and loving affect on those I love. Family and friends.

It's a journey. Self discovery. Rich. Rewarding. Frightening. Loving. Scary. Enlightening. Truthful. Finding my authentic self.


Boo said...

It sounds like a platitude, but I mean this. I am so very proud of you x

honey said...

Your efforts, Di, are inspiring. God bless.