October 31st & Breakthrough

The end of another month.  Only two months left of 2010.  I'm feeling reflective about this past year and hopeful for the new year coming up.  With hope in my heart, ideas in my head and a newness of spirit, I've even bought a wall calendar and desk diary for 2011.  I'm usually reflective like this at the beginning of January.  I wonder if I'm trying to get this year over and done with?  I don't want to really.  More than ever before, I want every moment of my life to count.  Each day means something.  Each day has substance and beauty for me.  I have to hold on to that.  Even in the midst of the grief, sadness, frustrations and sometimes anger, I find moments of beauty.  It may literally just be a moment, but it's there in that particular day.

Last night I wrote a list of new goals in my journal.  I've even been thinking about having a "word" for 2011.  I'm meditating and reflecting on that at the moment.  A word immediately came to my mind as I started to write in my journal and I think I'm going to claim that word but ponder on it a bit more.  As January and the new approaches and I make a decision, I'll share more about it here.

As I continue to struggle with my creative block particularly in regards to my work, I made a small breakthrough a couple of days ago.  It was very late Thursday night and a close friend of mine challenged me in such a way that I felt upset and angry and reduced to tears.  I sensed her frustration with me at not just "getting on with it".  Strangely though it had the required effect.  Although I lay on my bed and sobbed my heart out, within a couple of hours I was in front of my computer creating.  The tears were long and hard.  I sobbed and sobbed.  It was more than the frustration of having a creative block.  Steve came and laid with me and we talked and talked.  I was exhausted afterwards but I felt the immense breakthrough.

My friend was right.  She knows me well.  Better than I realised actually.  And I'm grateful for her words, her pushing and her frustration with me.  I realise now that she only wanted the best for me and also knows what I'm capable of.  I didn't create a masterpiece or anything too exciting but I opened Photoshop, I created some Photoshop styles.  I created some promotional graphics and uploaded them to a store where I've started to sell again.  Dana, the store owner is a close friend and she encouraged me to upload some of my previous work/products just to get me started selling again and then hopefully it would trigger something in me to get more creative.

It has worked.  I'm making tentative improvements and moving forward.  Slow but sure.  Again.  It's healing actually.