Thursday, 22 May 2008


I'm reading a fascinating book called "Captivating: Unveiling the Mystery of a Woman's Soul". It talks about who we are and who we were meant to be. Why we dream of fairytale princes, watch rom coms and why we love the dream of knights on shining armour coming to rescue us. It's about who we are; our very souls; the essence of being a woman.
I've found it an interesting read and has really helped me with my extraordinarily low self-esteem. Understanding more about my life as a woman and my role in life and knowing that just being who I am is enough has encouraged me no end.

I'd been debating with myself as to whether or not mention it here on my blog and then this morning I looked on the Her Space | My Space challenge blog and noticed that the word for today is "beauty". How very apt. I'd just read a chapter in the book about beauty. The beauty of women.

It's not just about how we look on the outside. Constantly striving to lose weight. Wanting to wear pretty clothes. Get a facial, manicure, pedicure. Huge business eh? And to some degree, it's a constant battle. If we're honest with ourselves, we all want to look beautiful. And I'm beginning to learn that it's ok for us women to want that but we need to also be beautiful on the inside. And when we can achieve that I believe that is what makes us beautiful on the outside. It enhances our beauty.

And to find peace with ourselves. To get healthy but not to constantly do battle about the outward appearance. To accept the way we are. The way we look. It's who we are. It's who I am. I am who I am. I've always struggled with my weight. Constant battle. Even when I wasn't overweight, it was a battle. And I'm learning to just let that go. I want to be healthy. Don't get me wrong. It's not about giving up and just eating everything in sight. No. No. I eat healthily. I exercise. But I'm just not going to keep belittling myself and thinking I'm less of a person because I'm not a size 10 or 12.

I don't think it's about size or weight. It's self-esteem. I had the same fears and battles when I was a size 10 - 12. Somehow though it got worse the more weight I put on. The older I got. The worse it got. It didn't help to then suffer a lot of emotional pain in my first marriage through my ex telling me he was really a "woman" trapped in a man's body. After 20 yrs of marriage. Ugh! My heart broke for him. I could see his genuine pain but then it hit me like a speeding train. The pain.

Suddenly I was faced with alsorts of issues about my feminity and why he'd "done" this to me. Of course there was a lot more going on. It was complicated, to say the very least. Nevertheless, it was painful. And a huge blow to my already low self-esteem.

It's taken a couple of years and the new love of a really good man - a real man - a confident "in who he is" kinda man - but I'm finally feeling ok about who I am. It's helped a lot to read this book. To accept myself as I am. To feel beautiful without any make-up. To be excited about the dreams I had as a little girl were ok and normal. To fully embrace the fact that I love Jane Austen. That I love romance. That I love things of beauty and I love taking care of my man and not feel that I'm somehow belittling myself by wanting to play a traditional role in our home. Slowly but surely I feel like I'm coming into my own.

And getting back to HS | MS photo prompt, beauty. I had to really think about the photo I wanted to share/take. Yes, I thought of the beautiful things in my back garden. The beach down the road. The flowers in my kitchen in a vase. So much beauty surrounds me. And then I asked Steve (hubby) a simple question - "If I say the word "beauty", what is the first thing you think of?" And he looked at me without hesitating, seriously, looked at me and said "you". Ugh! Me. He really thinks I'm beautiful. To him, I'm his beauty. He is my "beast" - my prince. My knight in shining armour. Ha! Yep.

Well, I thought about putting a photo of me, in light of all that I've just spoken about, having the confidence to put a photo of me under the word "beauty", on my blog but then I thought about my daughter. She's beautiful. She's my child. She's a woman. A beautiful woman inside and out. She's young. Almost 21yrs. But she's suffering. She is in a lot of emotional pain. And sometimes physical pain. But she's strong and I believe she will get better and be the woman she wants to be. To fully embrace who she was born to be and not let society, her father's transgender issues or any of life's roadblocks hurt who she is. Any more. And you can be sure that I'm going to be buying her a copy of that book!


Eleanor said...

Ooh, thought provoking post if ever I read one. Many of us struggle with the inner beauty thing I would think,I know I do, and it's true, the not so nice thoughts make the outside less attractive. Hmm, I think I might need to get your book.
So glad you found your knight.
Oh and your girl has a beautiful glow about her, it's not photoshop either, ;).

Bambi said...


jj said...

Thats a beauitiful post, Mum, and I nearly cried, nearly, at seeing a photo of me under the description of 'beauty'... but I'm blatantly not feeling the double chins!
Loads to catch up on, and in only 4 days too. I'm getting the vibe tomorrow is meant to be and that maybe Liz has perfect timing. Maybe.

Hazel said...

What a heart rending post, and yet a very inspirational one. You have obviously been through mega emotional times, but it has made you all the stronger in the end - and indeed you sound beautiful, as is your lovely daughter. Think I might try and get that book.

amandamagpie said...

An inspiring, intelligent and thought-provoking entry and I can relate to much of what you have written. Your daughter really is very beautiful. x

M. Browning said...

I admire your courage and honesty. Reading your entry was a lovely start to this Sunday morning. :)

Tricia said...

i too admire your courage. thank you for sharing those thoughts with us. your beauty comes through in your writing. and your daughter is beautiful also! she does have a glow.

i will look for this book as i struggling too at times.
blessings to you!

Dani said...

Oh, Di, a beautiful, heartwrenching post! {{{hugs}}} You are in my thoughts and prayers. lots of love, Dani

mystele said...

diane, thank you for stopping by my flickr. i look forward to getting to know you better. i have this book, but i've not read it straight through, sort of in pieces. isn't it wonderful?