Monday, 23 March 2009

Being Me

I know I say this all the time. Alot. I have to say it again: where does the time go? My days are full, blessed and rich. We're hoping to make some big changes in the next 2 to 3 months. More on that soon. In the meantime, please pray for our finances (getting a mortgage in this current economic climate won't be easy) and think of us as we make important decisions.

I've been thinking more and more about who I am and my role in life. Since my children have grown up and fled the nest, I've struggled with who I am. What am I supposed to be doing? A lot of things have changed in my life and in essence, I'm having to start again. Good thing. I'm blessed with a good husband. Someone who not only loves me passionately, adores me and supports me but he also wants the best for me. So why do I have these inner struggles?
Struggles about work. About going out to work. In my heart, I just want to be a homemaker. I want to be a wife, mum and grandmum. I want to be a daughter, sister and aunt. I am all those things but I want to continue to fully embrace those roles and not feel guilty. That I should somehow be outside the home working? Especially since my kids have flown the nest. I should be a career woman and do a 9-5 job. I don't want to. There I said it. I do work. At home. Mainly helping Steve with his work. Nothing grand. Nothing to shout about. I enjoy what I do. I know I'm truly blessed that Steve earns enough that I don't have to work if I don't want to. What I do earn is a bit of pin money (under the tax threshold) for my own treats which includes spending on my grandchildren!

So why the struggle? I feel that I'm somehow letting "women" down if I admit that I love being a homemaker. I feel this pressure to be out in the workplace. What is that pressure? Is it somehow imagined or is it real? I remember so well being a little girl and dreaming of growing up and having babies. That's what I wanted to do. And I did. Now they're having babies of their own, I don't know what to do.

My days are full. In between looking after my home, husband and working, there's visiting my parents, helping out when they need it, seeing my kids and grandchildren as well as friends and generally being me. And I'm happy being me. I just have to somehow convince myself that my life is ok. That I don't have to go out to work if I don't want to. To somehow fulfil a misplaced call on my life to do the modern women's thing and be everything to everyone.I love to be creative. I love to paint, draw and work on my computer. It's a wonderful creative outlet but I've realised recently that it was becoming a chore. I felt the pressure that if those hours I spent creating didn't result in hardcore sales, then it was wasted. I kept thinking to myself that I have to justify those hours spent being creative by making a career out of it. But I don't want a career being a digital painter, creating art or teaching art or selling my hand made wares. If I make the odd sale, that's exciting and a little bit of pin money to buy more supplies.

Why have I put myself under so much pressure to the point of frustration and tears? I want to enjoy what I do. I want to have time to look after my grandchildren when I'm needed. Or just to look after them for fun. I want to be able to sit with my mum in her back garden and not feel guilty. That that time should be spent working. I want to go and visit my sister and her little girls and just sit together and put the world to right like sisters do. I love washing clothes and sorting out cupboards. Cleaning my house. Making cups of tea for Steve while his working. I love the smell of the washing as I pull it from the washing machine. I love being a homemaker. And in the end, I honestly think and believe that's who I am. Who I am supposed to be. It's enough and I'm going to work hard to accept this role. To grow with it as it changes over the years. To be me. I'm not anyone else. I'm Diane. And I want to be me. Warts and all.


Niecey said...

Good for you. I know you were one of the voices that stood out to me, encouraging me when I wanted to lay work aside to just focus on looking after my kids and homeschooling them. And I'm sooo glad you did. I'm enjoying life, I'm loving watching my kids grow and flourish, and being right there with them while they do. I'll never get these years back. Thanks for encouraging me to do the right thing.

I hope you feel proud to have the role you have. It's a God given one, and it's valuable.

mystele said...

you are lovely. seek ye know the rest, and he has placed his desires for you in your heart. he is your life.

Mandy said...

Just the other day I was having a similar discussion with a girlfriend I had over. She's married but doesn't have kids yet. And she's feeling that tug. The tug you speak of. Be a homemaker or do something with my career? It's hard to be a woman in these times. People have fought hard for the freedoms women now have, and yet so many women want to go back to the simpler time when being a homemaker was enough. It's such a struggle. Sometimes I ask, why did I go to college exactly? Have you seen the movie Mona Lisa Smiles with Julia Roberts? I always think of that movie when I'm in this discussion with people.

Anyway, I don't know that the answer is the same for any two women. I think it's something you have to search out for yourself and your own heart. And it's no easy search. I do know that we can't do it all...even though we often try. :)

Sarah said...

Hi Di,
Lovely photos on today's post-especially the last one. If you don't need to go outside your home to work then please don't feel guilty! It's great and you have enough to do without that! Enjoy your many roles-they are important.