Monday, 20 September 2010

A Choice To Be Positive

I can barely believe that it's almost two months that have passed since I last posted in my blog.  I've always considered myself a consistent blogger.  So what has kept me from my beloved computer and blogging?  Alot, I suppose.  My aunt's funeral; an extended stay in Cornwall to try and sort out all her things and the legal stuff; a trip to France; helping my sister look after our Mum and so it goes on.

I want to sit here and say that "I'm back".  I really want to be.  I can't scream loud enough how much I need to get my life and routine back.  It's been one thing after another.  As well as losing my Dad, my aunt and fighting to save my Dad's business, we're struggling to save our Mum's home.  Just before we went to France, Steve had tests done for Renal Cancer.  He's been having some discomfort and mild aches on his right side and it appears that he has cysts on his right kidney but one of them looks "suspicious" and so they want to rule out renal cancer.  We should know in the next few days one way or the other.
That was a couple of days before we left for France.  My sister's in-laws had very kindly offered their holiday mobile home to us for a few days r&r.  It's in a pretty little town called Chef-Butonne... near La Rochelle.  Anyway, as we were travelling down to our destination, we were stopped at some red traffic lights and suddenly ploughed into by a bus.  Yep.  A bus hit us in the rear.  Smashed the back of our car good and proper.  Wont bore you with the rest of the story other than to say we weren't injured.  Shocked.  Yep.  Injured.  No.  Miracle, for sure.

We somehow managed to salvage what was left of our holiday and had the most amazing peaceful time.  Some incredible moments of togetherness.  No TV.  No DVDs.  Just us.  Just the wonderful surroundings.  Peace.  Nature.  Quiet.  Sunsets.  Good wine.  Good food.  Steve taught me to play chess.  We played scrabble.  We talked and talked.  We loved.  We needed that time together.  And it was during this time that I had a kind of an epiphany moment.
I realised that I couldn't control what was happening in my life.  I suddenly realised the blessing it is to live in the moment.  To live for today.  There's nothing I could've done to stop my beloved Dad dying.  My aunt.  Nothing I did seemed to stop the problems with Dad's business.  I can't fix my Mum's shattered, broken heart.  I couldn't stop that bus from crashing into us.  And if Steve does have cancer, there's nothing I can do about it.  It is what it is.
What a relief.  Somehow.  To live life each day the best way I know how.  To live as much as I can in the moment.  I'm not silly.  I still know that there are certain aspects of life that need planning.  My diary is still full of appointments.  I have dreams and aspirations.  Steve & I have our dreams for the future.  The difference is I'm not allowing the circumstances to pull me down and paralyse me.  Yep.  At many moments back there I was beginning to feel paralysed.  Like I couldn't breathe.  Panic stricken.  Heartbroken.  I had thoughts of death.  I'm not being dramatic.  I honestly wanted to just curl up in a ball and die.
That's all gone now.  I know there will still be sad days.  Bad days.  For me though, I've got to look up.  Stay focused.  Remembering my Dad's sunny and positive disposition.  It helps me to move forward.  Each problem tackled when and if it arises.  No matter what.  I don't want any more of this tragedy to rob me of the joy of living.  The joy of my family; my beloved husband; my grandchildren; my creativity;
I choose to live.  I choose to be positive.  I choose to look up.


Ursula said...

Huge hugs to both of you and a ton of positive thoughts winging their way from me to you.....with some extra special ones for your husband.


mystele said...

man, when it rains it pours...and the rains are bound to come, aren't they? di, thank you for being such a radiant example of vulnerability and determination. thank you for being brave and making this choice because it helps me and others in your world to do the same. xo

jj said...

I love you Mum!

honey said...

"Adversity is the diamond dust Heaven polishes it's jewels with" (Robert Leighton) You are a shining jewel, Di, many prayers being sent your way.God bless.

Sarah said...

I am so glad you feel like this now Di, well done you for making that choice. I am glad you had a good time in France, despite the crash. I hope Steve is ok.
Take care, xx