Thursday, 28 October 2010

Random Thoughts

I'm in a tiswas.  Don't know how else to describe how I'm feeling.  I don't know what I want half the time and the other half, I'm focused, excited and raring to go.  I feel stuck.  Creatively paralysed.  I'm reading "Messy Canvas" over and over.  I'm reading Kelly Rae's "Taking Flight" over and over.

Truth is, I think I'm being too hard on myself.  I keep thinking I just need to be "over it".  My Daddy has gone.  It's been almost nine months.  The grief is still raw.  And I think that's why I don't know what to do with myself.  I'm eating too much again.  Comfort food.  I cry for no apparent reason.

Upside down.  Inside out.

Daddy, why did you have to go?


Sarah said...

I think 9 months is a very short time and how you're feeling is not surprising. Don't be too hard on yourself Di. x

Ursula said...

Dear Di,

I wish I could tell you something more uplifting, but since I consider you one of my very few good online friends, I'm trying to be honest. From everything we wrote back and forth over the last (about) 13 years, I think we are very, very similar emotionally. That feeling of sadness, it will never go away, we can only try to live with it. It will get less "deep" and it will come over you less frequently over time. But Sarah is right, 9 months is a very short time in that respect. I think we got to know each other right when my mother died or shortly after her death. On November 25 it will be 13 years. I can't remember one *day* in all those years that I haven't thought of her. Maybe it isn't quite as intense today, but the sadness is lingering. A very silly example, she used to love many movies and sitcoms (just as I do) and her absolute favorite at the time was "The Nanny". Now I use the TV like other people use the radio, it keeps playing in the background. Since The Nanny has been on rerun constantly, I "listen to it" very often. Sporadically I will break into tears, and when I try to find out why, it's because I realize that my mother never saw the last two seasons of it, she never saw the happy ending of a silly sitcom, and yes, I feel a bit embarrassed to write that this can make me cry on some days. But that's just who I am, the silliest things will make me cry. This is getting too long, I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone. The way you feel is totally normal. I believe that learning that grief will never "vanish" is one of the toughest things we have to learn in our lives.

Much love,

P.S. Try to let it out in your art, it worked for me.

Jenni said...

Don't be too hard on yourself, ma!

It's not an easy road and no one said it would be, so you just have to take it a day at a time and not think too much or dwell too much on what you should or shouldn't be doing.

It is what it is.

Breathe. Cry. Smile. He's not here physically, but he IS here. He's gone, but he's not *gone*.

Love you loads! Sorry I've not been there for you much in recent weeks, you know the story. But I do love you and you're not alone :D

Ursula said...

Hi again, Di,

I've been thinking about you so much, and I hope you are well. Did you receive e-mail notification of my replies to your comments on my blog? Just in case you didn't, I wanted to let you know, so you can go have a look. The polymer offer is open ended. ;)

Much love,