Sunday, 12 December 2010


That time of year, again.  Harder than I thought.  Each day is a trial to get through for one reason or another.  I guess it's that first year when you lose someone that is the hardest.  The first this and that.  This first Christmas.  It's silly things like going into a card shop.  Couldn't do it.  Thought I could.  Looked at a couple of cards and realised I just couldn't do it.  Part of it is that I can't be bothered.  Trying to stay strong.  And the other big part of it is not being able to send my usual card to Mum & Dad.  To my aunt.

I'm overwhelmed more than I thought.  I had it in my mind that it would all be ok.  What's the big deal?  It is a big deal.  I love Christmas.  Our family loves Christmas.  We're huge fans of togetherness and family Christmas.  It took me a few days to put the tree up.  I started it but couldn't finish it.  I asked my beloved girl to come and help me which made that much better.  Had to do it.  I'm doing the same this afternoon at my Mum's.  She's struggling horribly.  I've got my grandchildren (aged 4yrs and nearly 2yrs) and so I'm taking them with me and meeting my sister there with her kids.  It'll be fun.  Kids make a difference.  I love their innocence.

Although I wanted to take time out and reflect on this past year using the Reverb10 prompts throughout December, I've founder it harder than I thought.  I think my first couple of posts reflecting on the past year, more or less sums it all up.  I can't get away from the fact that losing my Dad and my aunt and everything else that happened this year has made 2010 the worse year ever for me and my family.  1973/74 was a similar time when my baby brother died. I was 10 yrs old.  He died 3 weeks before Christmas.  Another reason this time of year is so important to us as a family.  Why it's so hard for my Mum.

I'm pushing through.  Tears are healing.  Frequent tears.  Random tears.  Unexpected tears.  I laugh when I cry.  Sometimes.  What else can you do?  Especially when you're caught off guard.  I can only assume that it is this run up to Christmas and the grief that makes it all so emotional.  I think it's a healthy emotional place though.  Why hold it back?  Why pretend that it doesn't hurt?  To what end?  I think it's brave and strong to be true to your real emotions.  No matter what they are.

So Christmas.  I'm excited.  I'm sad.  Today will be a good day.  Any day that involves being with my grandchildren is a good day.  Made even more special when that time is also shared with my daughter, my sister and my Mum.  We'll get through.


honey said...

Di, This is a beautiful post. I loved how you said you think "it's brave and strong" to be true to your real emotions. Your words helped me. I'm wishing you many moments of love and laughter this Christmas.

Sarah said...

Happy Christmas Di. I know it is not as happy as most and for good reason, but like you say, you have your family around you and being strong is a good thing to do for them. Lots of luck with 2011! x