I'm sure it's all part of grief and loss that so much has changed for me this year. I'm sure it is part of the circle of life. It is part of getting older. Of becoming aware of one's own mortality. All normal. Maybe. I don't know. It's the first time I've experienced such extremes of emotion. Life is precious. That has become so obvious to me this year. More than ever before. Is that because I've lost someone so dear to me? I don't know. Relationships with my family and friends have become a priority in my life. Particularly my family. We've always been close and it's not so much that they weren't a priority before. It's about perception, I guess. I'm seeing things so differently.
Monday, 6 December 2010
With the death of my Dad, I realised I had become my parents. I am a new generation. I've moved up a generation. Standing back. Silent. Watching. Letting Go. Listening to all the family hubbub around me, I see myself as my parents. Especially when I'm with my grandchildren. That's how I've been able to cultivate a sense of wonder in my life this year. Sadness, wonder, joy. Side by side. Truly part of life. Truly the meaning of family.
Letting go of hurt. I realised only today that I've let go of so much emotional pain this year. I thought I'd been so consumed with the death of my Dad and aunt and so much more this year, that there wasn't any space in my emotions to be aware of anything else. It's been all too consuming just dealing with grief. And yet, somewhere along the way, the pain of my divorce and my first marriage has left me. It's gone.
I let go of my first husband and marriage. I let go of the pain and hurt. I don't know when they happened. Although I only truly realised today that I've let go, it's been a gradual process. My ex-husband and I meet for coffee and a chat every couple of months. At what point did I start becoming aware that I actually enjoy those times with him? That it feels like two old friends sitting and catching up? At what point did I stop thinking about the pain of our separation, divorce?
My ex-husband is transgendered. It was the main reason we separated and divorced. It is truly complex. Not an easy situation at all. It has huge ripple affects across the family. It's complicated beyond belief. My heart was broken and torn apart when he told me. A lot of my hurt was that we'd been married for 20 yrs. We were friends as kids. He was the "boy next door". Why didn't he tell me before we got married? Why didn't he trust me "to come out to me"? These were all my questions and hurts. I understand now. I've learned so much since then.
We would've drifted apart and ended up divorced for other reasons. Both of us recently admitted that to each other. That was a relief somehow. No blame. We have four children. All grown up in their twenties. It has been so hard on them. Complicated. Emotional. Difficult. They still have a lot to face and hurdles to jump. In the back of my mind I always knew that I didn't want to make it even harder for them by "fighting" with their Dad. Why? To what purpose? You're right. I'm wrong. No I'm right. You're wrong. And so it could go on. It's so complicated. Fragile. Emotions. Heartache. Pain. Why make it worse? Worse for them. For him and me.
I had to let go. And I did. I don't know how. Maybe it was with my Dad's death. What's the point of holding a grudge? Nothing can change the past. Why hold on to it? It's all done. I'm trying to be clever or say "look at me, look what I can do, I'm a saint". No. It's about moving on. Living in the moment. Being accountable. Not sitting in judgement. Actually trying to view things from another person's point of view. What would you do if the shoe was on the other foot? I don't know how many times I've heard that over the years. It's not just the big hurts.
I'm not sure I consciously let go other than being very aware of wanting to enjoy my life now. And not hurt any more or hold on to the emotional pain. It can actually be comforting. To hold on to horrible emotional pain. It is hard to let it go and be free from it. Because what do you do then? You have to live your life. I think it comes in time. I think time is a healer. It's been over 5 yrs since the divorce and 8 yrs or so since I knew about his transgender issues. That's a long time. Letting go doesn't happen over night. And maybe that's why we're not aware of it when it does happen.