Thursday, 24 June 2010

Its Just Me

I keep thinking that I'll just get everything done.  That's it.  Business up and running.  Done.  House all nice and clean and tidy.  Done.  Coffee with friends.  Done.  Time with family.  Done.  But it's not happening.  I know its early days.  Early days in setting up my business with Steve.  So much to do.  My "to do" list just goes on and on.  I'm not overwhelmed by it.  I guess I'm just frustrated.  Its certainly a little like two steps forward and one step back.  I think that's ok actually.  Progress is happening.

I've let go of housework.  I do what I can, when I can.  I'm not anal about it like I used to be.  Everything clean and tidy.  Perfect.  I just can't do it all.  As women, I think we have a tendancy to believe we should do it all.  We should be able to have it all.  Family, career, creative time.  Be the best friend.  Best wife and lover.  Best daughter and Mum.  Its just not possible.  I believe that we should aim to be ourselves.  To be true to who we're meant to be.  I believe we should use our gut instincts more.  Not doubt them so much.  As we move forward to being the person we're meant to be, I think the rest will fall into place.

I know I've got to stop being so hard on myself.  I can't be everything to everyone.  I want to but I can't.  Somewhere along the way, I lost sight of my own dreams and goals. I was so busy saying "yes" to everyone else.  I was too busy worrying what others, including my closest family members, would think of me if I said no.  I didn't want to be a bother to anyone.  I don't want to cause any problems or upset anyone.  Its going to happen.  I can't please everyone all of the time.  It's not going to happen.  I want to be gentle about it though.  I still want to do my best.

More than ever before I'm aware of the fraility of life.  How fleeting it is.  Its learning what's truly important in life.  Its only very recently that I realised the true value of being a stay at home mum.  For so many years I kept thinking I'm not doing enough.  I should be out working.  I should be more ambitious.  I should have a career.  The hardest time came when my children started to become more independent and then slowly left home.  Their father and I divorced and I struggled for so long thinking I'd somehow lost over 20 yrs of my life.  It was truly heartbreaking.  It was complex.  It wasn't a "normal" divorce.  There were some truly deep seated self-esteem issues I had to deal with due to my ex-husband being transgendered (and I didn't know!).  One day, I'll write about it.  Suffice to say it was a rough time in my life.
~ Jennifer, Daniel, Kristian and James - my kids ~ 

What I do know is that being a mum and raising four children was exactly what I was meant to be doing at that time.  Regardless of the state of my marriage - good times & bad; the pressures from society and well meaning friends to be more, to do more.  I now know that my greatest achievement was my children.  With age and a lot of experience comes wisdom.  I'm learning to use that wisdom and my gut instincts much more.  To stop doubting myself.  To believe more in who I am and to learn wisely from my failings and mistakes.  Its ok to be me.  Diane.


mystele said...

i've been taking a blog reading break, and was pleasantly surprised today to read this post. praise God, di! i am so happy that you are seeing the art and the dignity in the person that you are. xo

Noël said...

It is so difficult to balance all we as women and especially mothers! I am inspired by reading your story. Thank you so much for sharing part of yourself.