I keep thinking that I'll just get everything done. That's it. Business up and running. Done. House all nice and clean and tidy. Done. Coffee with friends. Done. Time with family. Done. But it's not happening. I know its early days. Early days in setting up my business with Steve. So much to do. My "to do" list just goes on and on. I'm not overwhelmed by it. I guess I'm just frustrated. Its certainly a little like two steps forward and one step back. I think that's ok actually. Progress is happening.
More than ever before I'm aware of the fraility of life. How fleeting it is. Its learning what's truly important in life. Its only very recently that I realised the true value of being a stay at home mum. For so many years I kept thinking I'm not doing enough. I should be out working. I should be more ambitious. I should have a career. The hardest time came when my children started to become more independent and then slowly left home. Their father and I divorced and I struggled for so long thinking I'd somehow lost over 20 yrs of my life. It was truly heartbreaking. It was complex. It wasn't a "normal" divorce. There were some truly deep seated self-esteem issues I had to deal with due to my ex-husband being transgendered (and I didn't know!). One day, I'll write about it. Suffice to say it was a rough time in my life.
What I do know is that being a mum and raising four children was exactly what I was meant to be doing at that time. Regardless of the state of my marriage - good times & bad; the pressures from society and well meaning friends to be more, to do more. I now know that my greatest achievement was my children. With age and a lot of experience comes wisdom. I'm learning to use that wisdom and my gut instincts much more. To stop doubting myself. To believe more in who I am and to learn wisely from my failings and mistakes. Its ok to be me. Diane.